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Feeling Down

Bracks48

Registered User
Jun 18, 2016
14
0
Hi don’t think it’s advice I need, just need to vent. My mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia 6 years ago and around this time I had joint Power of Attorney with my eldest brother who helped with financial stuff until he found my mums Will which has excluded him and my other two brothers - leaving everything to myself and my two kids. It has only been me that has been close to my mum over the years and at the time when she wrote her will I did say what about the boys and her answer was they don’t bother, never see them, they never visit. I always felt awkward about it but thought that I’d deal with it once my mum had passed. However my brother decided to stop speaking to me and my mum. One other brother (I’ll call him bro 3) I found had stolen my mums bank card and withdrawn money, ordered things from Amazon and helped himself to whatever was in her purse! So now it’s me alone that is dealing with my mum for the last 5 years, at the beginning of this year I lost my stepfather after he was diagnosed with cancer, I cared for him at home for the four weeks between diagnosis and him passing. My mum was also in hospital with covid when he was diagnosed and hospitalised again 2 days after his death. It’s hard, I work, have four grandchildren. Bro 3 has now been sending me abusive texts saying I am not looking after my mum as I didn’t have a smoke alarm in her house (I have now) and that all I’m after is her money and now have all my stepfathers money (which I don’t). I have told him I don’t care they can have the lot my only concern is that my mum is looked after properly. I’m exhausted to be honest but feel very much alone and worry when she passes what abuse I’m going to get from my so called brothers.
 

Bracks48

Registered User
Jun 18, 2016
14
0
Vent away!! Your mum made her decision on her will, obviously she knew her sons too well to trust them.
Thanks that’s exactly how I feel as she made her Will about 10 years before she was diagnosed. It’s such a shame that so called family “turn” when they should be pulling together. At least I know I have done my best by her and will continue to do so as long as I can.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,555
0
Victoria, Australia
My husband changed his will a few years ago, excluding all of his offspring.

Money and families are always tricky situations and his sons have had nothing to do with him for years. They assumed wrongly many years ago that I was a gold digger and that I was going to grab all the money. However, their appalling behaviour ensured that this is now what will happen. It was all my husband's idea to change his will and events since have not encouraged him to change his opinion.

Many of the problems with his sons existed before I ever knew them. OH wouldn't ask one of them to our wedding 'because he said that he was horrible and he didn't want me to have anything with him.

If all your brothers want is your mum's money, then they don't deserve to have it. You have been working your tail off and you don't deserve the abuse.
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
71
0
@Lawson58 . Oh how I sympathise with you. Your story is almost a mirror image of my life.
How can these (middle aged) “children “ be so horrible.
Makes me feel like cashing in on the house and going on the proverbial world cruise. And I hate sailing.😀
 

Bracks48

Registered User
Jun 18, 2016
14
0
@Lawson58 . Oh how I sympathise with you. Your story is almost a mirror image of my life.
How can these (middle aged) “children “ be so horrible.
Makes me feel like cashing in on the house and going on the proverbial world cruise. And I hate sailing.😀
It beggars belief, it’s disgusting and they are so toxic. She is better off without them near her but got to say it does grate on me when she say “oh xxxx was here to see me he says everything is fine and I’ve not to worry” this of course is all in her mind as he’s not been near.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,766
0
Nottinghamshire
@Bracks48 your brothers sound as horrible as my siblings who I never see anymore (wouldn't want to). I have a friend, twenty one years older than me, who says that her last power is to decide who gets her estate when she passes so don't take that away from your mum.

I was down for a long while knowing that my siblings would react badly to being "cut out" from what they felt they were entitled to - if only they'd cared more about people than money.

My aunt threatened to come back and haunt me if I gave a penny of her estate to my siblings 😱...
 

Cazcaz

Registered User
Apr 3, 2021
146
0
Hi don’t think it’s advice I need, just need to vent. My mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia 6 years ago and around this time I had joint Power of Attorney with my eldest brother who helped with financial stuff until he found my mums Will which has excluded him and my other two brothers - leaving everything to myself and my two kids. It has only been me that has been close to my mum over the years and at the time when she wrote her will I did say what about the boys and her answer was they don’t bother, never see them, they never visit. I always felt awkward about it but thought that I’d deal with it once my mum had passed. However my brother decided to stop speaking to me and my mum. One other brother (I’ll call him bro 3) I found had stolen my mums bank card and withdrawn money, ordered things from Amazon and helped himself to whatever was in her purse! So now it’s me alone that is dealing with my mum for the last 5 years, at the beginning of this year I lost my stepfather after he was diagnosed with cancer, I cared for him at home for the four weeks between diagnosis and him passing. My mum was also in hospital with covid when he was diagnosed and hospitalised again 2 days after his death. It’s hard, I work, have four grandchildren. Bro 3 has now been sending me abusive texts saying I am not looking after my mum as I didn’t have a smoke alarm in her house (I have now) and that all I’m after is her money and now have all my stepfathers money (which I don’t). I have told him I don’t care they can have the lot my only concern is that my mum is looked after properly. I’m exhausted to be honest but feel very much alone and worry when she passes what abuse I’m going to get from my so called brothers.
Sorry to hear you are going through all this.

You say you have joint PoA with the eldest brother. Is that “joint” or “joint and severally”?

Either way things could get difficult there if he reacts badly to being “cut out” of the will or takes sides with ‘Bro 3’.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,125
0
Sorry to hear you are going through all this.

You say you have joint PoA with the eldest brother. Is that “joint” or “joint and severally”?

Either way things could get difficult there if he reacts badly to being “cut out” of the will or takes sides with ‘Bro 3’.
I was wondering about this too. The situation could be a fuse waiting for someone to light it causing an explosion. How much control does the PoA brother have of her finances? He has the same responsibility as you, even if he doesn't do anything. Could he be persuaded to resign his role leaving you as the only POA? However that too would come with a risk should you be incapacitated for any reason in the future.
 

Bracks48

Registered User
Jun 18, 2016
14
0
Sorry to hear you are going through all this.

You say you have joint PoA with the eldest brother. Is that “joint” or “joint and severally”?

Either way things could get difficult there if he reacts badly to being “cut out” of the will or takes sides with ‘Bro 3’.
Hi Cazcaz I did have joint PoA with eldest however I had him removed after his decision not to want anything to do with my mum due to his issue with not being in the Will.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,702
0
South coast
It doesn't sound like you have any reason to contact your siblings again.
Just get on with looking after your mum and trust yourself to make the best decisions for her.
 

Cazcaz

Registered User
Apr 3, 2021
146
0
Hi Cazcaz I did have joint PoA with eldest however I had him removed after his decision not to want anything to do with my mum due to his issue with not being in the Will.
If you can be sure that you are SOLE PoA then things are easier. I wasn’t aware that one attorney could remove another I thought an attorney had to CHOOSE to resign their post or had it taken away by the OPG etc, but if you are certain you are now SOLE PoA then I would register the LPA/EPA immediately.

With you as registered sole PoA, you control your mum’s future to a certain extent, without your brother’s being able to interfere.

Then it comes down to which PoA (or two) you have, what you think is best for your mother’s future (and what she thinks if she still has capacity to answer those questions) and if she is self funding. Those areas are important to think about.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,125
0
If you can be sure that you are SOLE PoA then things are easier. I wasn’t aware that one attorney could remove another I thought an attorney had to CHOOSE to resign their post or had it taken away by the OPG etc, but if you are certain you are now SOLE PoA then I would register the LPA/EPA immediately.

With you as registered sole PoA, you control your mum’s future to a certain extent, without your brother’s being able to interfere.

Then it comes down to which PoA (or two) you have, what you think is best for your mother’s future (and what she thinks if she still has capacity to answer those questions) and if she is self funding. Those areas are important to think about.
@Cazcaz is right, one attorney cannot remove another. An attorney can resign. Only the Office of the Public Guardian or the Court of Protection can cancel a POA against the will of the attorney. The OPG would not do so unless the attorney had done something seriously wrong, mere inactivity would not be a reason given that another attorney was looking after the donor. So are you sure that you are now the sole attorney?
 

Cazcaz

Registered User
Apr 3, 2021
146
0
Hi Cazcaz I did have joint PoA with eldest however I had him removed after his decision not to want anything to do with my mum due to his issue with not being in the Will.
If you can be sure that you are SOLE PoA then things are easier. I wasn’t aware that one attorney could remove another I thought an attorney had to CHOOSE to resign their post or had it taken away by the OPG etc, but if you are certain you are now SOLE PoA then I would register the LPA/EPA immediately.

With you as registered sole PoA, you control your mum’s future to a certain extent, without your brother’s being able to interfere.

Then it comes down to which PoA (or two) you have, what you think is best for your mother’s future (and what she thinks if she still has capacity to answer those questions) and if she is self funding. Those areas are important to think about.
Hi Cazcaz I did have joint PoA with eldest however I had him removed after his decision not to want anything to do with my mum due to his issue with not being in the Will.
do nothing until you establish yourself as sole PoA. If you act, and your brother hasn’t been removed (which it sound like he hasn’t) then he could make life very hard for you and your mother.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,555
0
Victoria, Australia
It beggars belief, it’s disgusting and they are so toxic. She is better off without them near her but got to say it does grate on me when she say “oh xxxx was here to see me he says everything is fine and I’ve not to worry” this of course is all in her mind as he’s not been near.
That is the really frustrating part of caring for a person with dementia. They believe what they want and having no empathy for the carer makes it so much harder.

At least my husband's kids live on the opposite side of the world so don't intrude. But there's never a call, never a card at birthdays or Christmas. Totally self centred and plain greedy.

However, his siblings are great.

I hope that things settle down for you.
 

Bracks48

Registered User
Jun 18, 2016
14
0
If you can be sure that you are SOLE PoA then things are easier. I wasn’t aware that one attorney could remove another I thought an attorney had to CHOOSE to resign their post or had it taken away by the OPG etc, but if you are certain you are now SOLE PoA then I would register the LPA/EPA immediately.

With you as registered sole PoA, you control your mum’s future to a certain extent, without your brother’s being able to interfere.

Then it comes down to which PoA (or two) you have, what you think is best for your mother’s future (and what she thinks if she still has capacity to answer those questions) and if she is self funding. Those areas are important to think about.
Hi yes you can apply to the office of the public guardian to have someone removed. This letter needs to be signed by and agreed by GP/solicitor.
If you can be sure that you are SOLE PoA then things are easier. I wasn’t aware that one attorney could remove another I thought an attorney had to CHOOSE to resign their post or had it taken away by the OPG etc, but if you are certain you are now SOLE PoA then I would register the LPA/EPA immediately.

With you as registered sole PoA, you control your mum’s future to a certain extent, without your brother’s being able to interfere.

Then it comes down to which PoA (or two) you have, what you think is best for your mother’s future (and what she thinks if she still has capacity to answer those questions) and if she is self funding. Those areas are important to think about.

do nothing until you establish yourself as sole PoA. If you act, and your brother hasn’t been removed (which it sound like he hasn’t) then he could make life very hard for you and your mother.
He has 100% been removed as I have the amended PoA and letter from Public Guardian.
 

Cazcaz

Registered User
Apr 3, 2021
146
0
Hi yes you can apply to the office of the public guardian to have someone removed. This letter needs to be signed by and agreed by GP/solicitor.

He has 100% been removed as I have the amended PoA and letter from Public Guardian.
Ok, so the OPG removed him. @MartinWL and I both thought YOU yourself had removed him. Which of course you can’t do.

So, as I said before, it’s not down to which PoA (or two) you have and is it self funded? That will decide a lot of the future.
 

Bracks48

Registered User
Jun 18, 2016
14
0
Ok, so the OPG removed him. @MartinWL and I both thought YOU yourself had removed him. Which of course you can’t do.

So, as I said before, it’s not down to which PoA (or two) you have and is it self funded? That will decide a lot of the future.
Sorry I should have made myself clearer. Yes self-funded.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,125
0
I found this puzzling so I looked up revokation of lasting PoA. The court of protection only has powers to revoke a lasting power of attorney under section 22 of the Mental Capacity Act 2005 where the donee has done some misdeed or other. There is no power to revoke it at the wish of another attorney. The attorney himself can resign. Perhaps there is information that we do not have here but I would suggest that @Bracks48 checks and double checks. Maybe the brother did give consent amounting to a resignation? There are also circumstances such as bankruptcy in which an attorney's role ends but I don't see that as relevant here.