Feeling deeply sad now Mum in care home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by SarahL, Jan 26, 2015.

  1. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    It's been just over a month since my mum went into a care home, after being sectioned, which was so very traumatic. I'm not sure if I've processed everything that has happened over the past years which included volatility, neediness and abuse towards me, but now Mum is in the home I feel so guilty and sad that she'll never see her lovely house again or be my Mum again, who I think I was hoping to have back (irrationally). I feel I could have dealt with things differently, even though I know I tried everything to get help, I just feel like I didn't understand what was happening at all looking back on it, and feel I didn't deal with the abuse well.

    When I see my Mum she still looks like my Mum and she is calmer now after all these terribly sad years, where I have been angry, confused, resentful and downright exhausted but I cannot seem to get things right in my mind as she's not my Mum. I went to her house yesterday to sort out post and now I feel very upset.

    I just wanted to share this as I feel so alone. I do sometimes have a giggle with Mum now in the care home as she's on medication and seems calmer and I do keep telling myself that she is safe from harm, but I cannot shake this awfully sad feeling off. It is early days and a transitional period I suspect.

    Any thoughts or positive feedback would be really lovely thank you.
     
  2. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,042
    Hi SarahL

    I don't think any caring close relative of a dementia sufferer really understands what is happening, as it is happening because the situation is demanding of all of one's physical and emotional energy just coping day to day. It is only when that situation is relieved, by someone else taking the caring reins - in your situation your Mum being in a CH, that your own emotions can really come to the fore, as they are now.

    How can you deal with abuse well? if you are caring alone with no one to support you. I think all you are experiencing is, as you say, a transitional period and it will feel strange as you adapt and come to terms with not only the change in your Mum but also the circumstances. Sounds like its time to start spoiling yourself a bit and do some things you enjoy and knowing that your Mum is being cared for may help you a bit to do that.

    Well done for what you have achieved and got your Mum through, things will brighten for you I'm sure.
    love
    Sue:)
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,319
    Female
    South coast
    Hi Sarah

    My mum is in a care home too. When she went in half of me was upset and the other half was relieved because it was all so awful before. She is now looking so much better and is content, safe and well looked after, but because she looks well a bit of me keeps wondering if she should have gone in there and perhaps she could come back home and maybe if Id done things differently she wouldnt have had to go in at all.
    I know this is just wishful thinking though - there isnt any way I could have done anything to prevent her going in and if she came back she would be back to square one.
    As it is, she is better there, she has put a bit of weight on, she is clean and well fed and she can no longer come to any harm by wandering around the streets in her nighty getting cold, confused and lost. So you see, she is OK - its only me worrying.

    BTW, I know what you mean about going back to her home to collect the post. The first time I did that I sat down and wept as all her things were there, the place still smelt of her and I kept thinking I would find her in the kitchen or sitting on the sofa.... :(
     
  4. Solihull

    Solihull Registered User

    Oct 2, 2014
    97
    West Midlands
    Hi, I am another daughter who after finding a lovely care home for mum where they have made sure she eats, drinks fluids, is kept clean, has company etc... still felt guilty. Like others have said, at first you wonder if you did the right thing. I had dreams that mum would go back to her old home (now completely empty) & carry on like she did a couple of years ago before all the falls, dehydration & almost fatal malnutrition. Five months on and she seems happy, two stone heavier and chatty with the others. I now know, looking back that the decision was one of kindness and have stopped punishing myself.
    It does get better, honestly!
    Love
    Sue
     
  5. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
     
  6. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    806
    North East
    First if all well done you for getting this far. It sounds like your mum is actually happy where she is right now, do take comfort from that.

    You have had an awful build up then a rather traumatic time as your mum was ultimately taken away from you via a section. I think you would benefit from counselling and or medication from your GP.

    I think the feelings of guilt and inadequacy are totally normal at this time however I think a little help by pulling it all to pieces and exploring how you truly feel about it all would do you the power of good.

    (I know I'm talking about myself here and it doesn't work for everyone)

    Thinking of you an hope you feel better soon xxx
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,319
    Female
    South coast
    Mum ended up in hospital after a TIA and she was found to be severely dehydrated and malnourished too so she went into a care home from the hospital. After 6 weeks there was a review at the care home with me, mum, the care home manageress, her SW and a doctor to decide whether she should go home, stay at that CH or move to another one. During this meeting her SW asked mum whether she wanted to go home and mum looked at her in amazement and said "but I thought this was my home". At that point I knew that it was the right decision for her to stay there and that is what happened.

    Im glad your mum is in a good home that you are happy with - it makes all the difference. I think it takes time for both the person staying there and their carer to adjust. Mum has been in the care home for about 6 months now and she has entirely forgotten her old home. I think Im coming to terms with it now.
     
  8. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you Susy. I think I would benefit from some support and counselling as I do feel traumatised by what's happened and I am completely on my own. I think I had almost become immune to the abuse which I know is not normal so I should talk about it but seeing seeing her sectioned was absolutely heartbreaking and I do feel guilty. I am glad it helped you and I really appreciate your support. This forum has been a life saver for me. x
     
  9. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you Canary, that really does help me knowing that after some time things will get better, for both Mum and me. I am really glad your Mum is settled and adjusted now to her care home, that is the best news in our situations. It's all so surreal still, despite me having got to breaking point a number of times over the years, now this has happened I hadn't anticipated this response - I suppose we just do not know how we are going to react. I am so glad to hear you are coming to terms with your Mum being in the care home and take inspiration from you. With best wishes x
     

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