Feeling crushed...and dangerous driving

Hanging On

New member
Oct 5, 2021
7
0
Hi everyone! This is my first post but I'm sure it won't be my last...

I became my husband's carer after he suffered a minor stroke. He was left with severe balance issues. However, he is now showing multiple issues which I believe are due to dementia, possibly vascular?

His short term memory is virtually gone. We've tried lists but he forgets to look at them. He has left his credit card in multiple shops and I'm forever hunting for items that he's put in the wrong place.

He was a very capable DIYer but recently took five days to put up two wall lights - blowing umpteen fuses. He has given up now and they don't work.

He has a bad temper with a very short fuse...which culminates in foul language and throwing things. We were on a ferry recently (which we've done countless times as we live on an island,) and he got fed up queing to get off- marched up to a couple of ferry staff who were talking and said, very loudly "how the **** do you get off this ****** boat?"

He speaks very loudly because he is now flatly refusing to wear his hearing aids and won't (or can't) tell me why.

He often asks me if I remember people, places and/or events that took place with his first or second wife (I'm no. 3) and then tells me I'm being difficult or forgetful when I don't remember these things.

My biggest worry is that his driving has become very erratic to the point of being dangerous. If he looks away from the road, he veers off in the direction that he's looking. A few days ago, he was out for hours and told me (chuckling and shaking his head) that all 6 nuts had fallen out of one wheel and the wheel had come off. He's been getting our car ready (for 9 months) for its' MOT which was due a year ago. I don't think he should be driving at all but if he has to stop, it will be a massive blow to him. Nevertheless, I have finally pursuaded him to come to the Dr with me.

Today, I was crushed by yet another example of his memory loss. We're moving house to be nearer to my grown up children and he's been attempting small jobs (like the lights). We'd discussed how to do a job and this morning it became apparent that he'd done it in the method that we rejected. I know it sounds small but you guys get it. Straw, camel and my back broke.

I've been waiting for an operation for 20 months and can normally cope with the pain and stress but more and more, I'm finding that I just can't get out of bed after one of these incidents. I know I'm depressed and really struggling with his behaviour. I can't wait to see the Dr with him but I know it won't change anything (other than maybe stopping him driving).

I'm sorry this is so long but I badly needed to vent and connect with others who understand. I read the entire thread of 'do you ever feel like leaving?". This man was truly my soul mate. We got engaged after a week and have been married for 21 years. I loved and adored him and he loved and adored me - and I felt it. Now, that man has gone and my heart is broken. But yes, I would absolutely walk away but (like so many of us) I simply can't afford to leave.

I'd like to know how PWD react to not being allowed to drive any more. It worries me as I think he'll give up but maybe I'm wrong?

Help!!!
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,418
0
Newcastle
Hi @Hanging On and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You are certainly facing a lot of stress and uncertainty. The visit to the Doctor may help to confirm what you already suspect (although be prepared for it not to) but may not offer you any solutions. You don't say as much, but I am presuming that your island is in the UK, in which case getting the DVLA to revoke his licence may be necessary. That is not going to be easy. You should also try to get an assessment of his needs and also yours as a carer. Options for a care plan to help you both can then be explored. Keep in touch via DTP and hopefully you will get some helpful support from others who have faced similar challenges.
 

Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
1,214
0
South east
@Hanging On it may be a good idea to write to or email the GP before the appointment with a list of your concerns so they will be aware.
You may need to report your concern about his driving, anonymously to the DVLA.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,016
0
Write down all the things that cause you to be concerned that your husband might have dementia and put them in a letter or email to the GP. If the GP is on notice that there are concerns about your husband's driving then I think that he will have to do something about this. S/he can contact the DVLA him/herself. If you are worried about your husband finding out about you trying to get his licence cancelled then tell the doctor this and mention if you think that this could put you at risk from your husband. Alternatively, you can anonymously file a report with the DVLA. On the practical side, do you drive and does your husband allow you to drive him? Could you take over all the driving? I really think that you need to consider whether it is safe for you to go anywhere in the car when he is driving as he is putting both of your lives at risk.

Some people are very reluctant to give up driving. My elderly friend was ordered to stop driving by the DVLA but wouldn't accept this. Eventually, her surgery called the local police who sent an officer to her house one evening. She couldn't remember what the officer said but he must have got through to her in some way because she agreed to hand over her car keys to me the following morning. I had been trying and failing to get her to do this for weeks.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
744
0
Hi @Hanging On and welcome to this forum, it’s a great place for advice and venting. My OH owned a garage and did long haul recoveries and breakdowns, and after being diagnosed in 2017, he lost his full license in 2019. Not going to lie, but it was hard, I sold our 2 cars, and bought a neutral one, and 6 months later sold our camper van. He is still bitter about it, but it had to be done. If he had injured someone, or me, then I would never have forgiven myself. The PWD will deny deny and deny till they are blue in the face that they are ok, but we know better.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello @Hanging On
a warm welcome to DTP

as you mention living on an island maybe you are in Scotland, if so this site may have some useful info

I do worry about your husband driving in the way you describe ... and with no current MOT (this seems to be what you have written) as that, I believe, invalidates his insurance ... might this be a way of getting him separated from the car ... if he has been tinkering with it, it may be dangerous and may fail the MOT, giving you a chance to have it in the garage for repairs for some time (maybe parts just cannot be got with all the current problems around transportation)

look after yourself too ... maybe have a chat with the GP on your own, about you and how all this is affecting you

vent away, any time, that's what DTP is here for
 

Hanging On

New member
Oct 5, 2021
7
0
Hi @Hanging On and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You are certainly facing a lot of stress and uncertainty. The visit to the Doctor may help to confirm what you already suspect (although be prepared for it not to) but may not offer you any solutions. You don't say as much, but I am presuming that your island is in the UK, in which case getting the DVLA to revoke his licence may be necessary. That is not going to be easy. You should also try to get an assessment of his needs and also yours as a carer. Options for a care plan to help you both can then be explored. Keep in touch via DTP and hopefully you will get some helpful support from others who have faced similar challenges.
Hi @northumbrian_k,
Yes, we live in the Outer Hebrides. The medical care here is so good, we are very lucky.
Getting an assessment is a great idea. I didn't know that was an option so I will definitely look into that.
I love your username! My Nana lived in Blyth and we spent all our holidays there.
Thank you for replying and for your help.
 

Hanging On

New member
Oct 5, 2021
7
0
@Hanging On it may be a good idea to write to or email the GP before the appointment with a list of your concerns so they will be aware.
You may need to report your concern about his driving, anonymously to the DVLA.
Hi @Melles Belles, Writing to our GP is a great suggestion and I will definitely do that. I didn't know that I can report anonymously to the DVLA so I will look into that.
Thank you so much for replying and your helpful suggestions.
 

Hanging On

New member
Oct 5, 2021
7
0
Write down all the things that cause you to be concerned that your husband might have dementia and put them in a letter or email to the GP. If the GP is on notice that there are concerns about your husband's driving then I think that he will have to do something about this. S/he can contact the DVLA him/herself. If you are worried about your husband finding out about you trying to get his licence cancelled then tell the doctor this and mention if you think that this could put you at risk from your husband. Alternatively, you can anonymously file a report with the DVLA. On the practical side, do you drive and does your husband allow you to drive him? Could you take over all the driving? I really think that you need to consider whether it is safe for you to go anywhere in the car when he is driving as he is putting both of your lives at risk.

Some people are very reluctant to give up driving. My elderly friend was ordered to stop driving by the DVLA but wouldn't accept this. Eventually, her surgery called the local police who sent an officer to her house one evening. She couldn't remember what the officer said but he must have got through to her in some way because she agreed to hand over her car keys to me the following morning. I had been trying and failing to get her to do this for weeks.
Hi @Violet Jane,
To be honest, I would like our GP to take action about his driving. I think my OH would take it better that way. Yes, I do drive and would be happy to take over the driving. OH won't like it but there really isn't another option.
My daughter visited a few weeks ago and I hired a car. I have stopped riding in the car because scares me!
 

Hanging On

New member
Oct 5, 2021
7
0
Hi @Hanging On and welcome to this forum, it’s a great place for advice and venting. My OH owned a garage and did long haul recoveries and breakdowns, and after being diagnosed in 2017, he lost his full license in 2019. Not going to lie, but it was hard, I sold our 2 cars, and bought a neutral one, and 6 months later sold our camper van. He is still bitter about it, but it had to be done. If he had injured someone, or me, then I would never have forgiven myself. The PWD will deny deny and deny till they are blue in the face that they are ok, but we know better.
Hi @Thethirdmrsc,
Gosh! That must have been hard for you both. I'm at the stage of worrying that he may cause an accident and it's time to take action.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,016
0
Just to be clear, I don’t think that the GP has the authority to stop your husband from driving. He can tell him to or advise him to but I don’t think that he can force him to. As I understand it, only the DVLA or a court can order someone to stop driving. The GP can, I think, report concerns to the DVLA and, if someone else reports a concern, the GP will be consulted. In practical terms, you may need to resort to subterfuge to stop your husband from driving eg hide the keys, tell him the car is out of action but that’s obviously quite difficult if he can see that you are still driving.
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
632
0
My husband was, for many years an advanced police driver.
Even 4 months ago, I still felt safe with his driving until one day he made a very silly mistake.
The following day, I sent his license back to the DVLA.
I had to be very crafty about it and managed to persuade him that it was all his idea. You have to tell a few fibs in these cases.
He is happy with the idea and tells people that he decided to give up driving.
That doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt for me. That was the first time in 30 years that I had to lie to him. I found it traumatic.
 

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