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Feeling confused and sad

rubyrosie

Registered User
Mar 28, 2014
24
I went to see mum yesterday in the nursing home and she was asleep when I arrived. I managed to rouse her gently and initially she was chatting about nice things like her cousins visiting from the USA and going shopping in black fog! However her mood switched when I said I had to leave and she became sulky and spiteful. I know it's the illness , not that she accepts she is ill, but after having been told all my life that I am hard, sharp, black and white and why can't we have been closer I have had enough. It all started I think when I was very young and I have always had the feeling that I have always fallen short of how she expects me to behave with her. Yet I am the one who has taken her on holiday , to siblings funerals and weekends away. I know she is at the end of her life and in some ways this would be easier to accept if it was new stuff but it's so hurtful. I have always been there fighting her corner , doing her tax returns , sorting out carers et etc but there has always been something lacking in our relationship and it will. Or change now . I was much closer to my dad, who died at 51 , and my nana (my mums mum) who lived with us when I was a child,. Even my nana said to my mum that we would've closer when I had children of my own andshehas thrown that ack at me over the years too saying we're not. I am so sorry for the rant but this is not all my fault and I couldn't change the way she viewed me when I was child,teenager ...we have never been really close and I would have loved things to be different but they are'nt. I am a very positive person I think and love life and maybe there is envy because my Mum has never been like that, but that's not my fault either ....I am not going to see her for a few weeks now as I am busy with work so maybe the break will be good,but I feel rotten about it ...thanks for reading . It helps to be able to vent sometimes as others know xx
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,077
Scotland
I'm not surprised you feel like that because we all expect from our mothers that they will care for us above all. My own mother was the very best but she had a distant relationship with her mother and a great relationship with her grandmother. So these feelings are not new and due to factors which we often can't see. It is never the fault of a small child though.

I think you are wise to step back as being unhappy with your mother cannot be doing either of you any good. If she sees you only occasionally and you take control of what you will put up with she may be able to limit the spite. Although dementia makes some people nasty I believe you should not become a martyr to that destroying your own self esteem.

Good luck.
 

rubyrosie

Registered User
Mar 28, 2014
24
Thank you

Thank you for your support ...it helps so much to be able to let go on this forum sometimes xx

I'm not surprised you feel like that because we all expect from our mothers that they will care for us above all. My own mother was the very best but she had a distant relationship with her mother and a great relationship with her grandmother. So these feelings are not new and due to factors which we often can't see. It is never the fault of a small child though.

I think you are wise to step back as being unhappy with your mother cannot be doing either of you any good. If she sees you only occasionally and you take control of what you will put up with she may be able to limit the spite. Although dementia makes some people nasty I believe you should not become a martyr to that destroying your own self esteem.

Good luck.
 

100 miles

Registered User
Apr 16, 2015
109
Oh goodness. There must be so many people who feel as you do.

I have been reading messages on Talking Point for over a year now - but yours is the one that made me register to reply.

I don't have any solutions. But you have my sympathy. When my mother was more able to express herself she would complain I was 'too competent. I would just get on and sort out problems.' Families seldom show the basic manners to each other that they would to strangers and once the brain starts failing thoughts are not edited.

Remember...a lot of the rage is probably concerned with loss of control. You just happen to get in the way.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,617
USA
It helps me to hear I'm not the only one who feels a particular way, or is in a certain situation, or is experiencing a sign/symptom of dementia. I hope it helps you, also.

I never had a good or close relationship with my mother from the time I was a teenager, and maybe before that. There were extenuating circumstances, yes, but basically she's not been able to express interest in or concern for me, for many years. I was close to my dad but they divorced when I was little and he died over fifteen years ago. My mother is 72 and went into a care home in February after a hospitalization, during which she was deemed not able to live alone.

So now it's clear that dementia is in the picture, a lot of her behavior makes sense, but she still isn't warm or loving because she never was and that's not going to change, just like what you said about yourself and your mother. It is hard to know that you are being responsible (taxes, arranging care) but will never get any credit for it. But you said the most important part: it's not your fault. It took me years to get to the place where I could accept that it wasn't my fault and it wasn't anything I had or hadn't done, it was just the way she was.

100miles: good for you for responding. I appreciated your story about your mother telling you that you are too competent. (I clearly remember my mother telling me, about age seven maybe, that I was too optimistic! :rolleyes:) If I were your mum, or any of our mothers actually, I would be GRATEFUL for a competent child!

Hang in there, rubyrosie, and everyone else. Thank goodness this is a safe place to let go.
 

Bobtop

Registered User
Mar 19, 2015
11
My heart goes out to you .... you have clearly been very kind and caring to your mum and she is unable to acknowledge this. I really do sympathise as I have seen the start of my mum behaving like this with me!

Like you, we have never been that close but over the years she has become more reliant on my help due to her dementia, now she is in a care home. I feel guilty and very sorry for her suffering from this terrible disease and visit regularly. She is always very emotional, sometimes distressed and upset and more recently got angry and verbally abusive with me. I was extremely upset afterwards for the rest of the day and still constantly am thinking about it. However I was reassured by the carers that she was absolutely fine (just minutes later), having forgotten all about it!

I have decided that if I cannot cope with her behaviour when visiting I will cut short the visit or go less frequently. I am unsure how much of the behaviour is due to the illness or her personality??
 

JackyJ

Registered User
Mar 19, 2013
52
Weston
Put on your armour

Hi I'm so sorry for how your feeling, not that it's any help my Dad is the same.

I hate visiting him, I put on my armour. I was never good enough, yet everyone in his CH thinks he's wonderful. He has Patkinsons and now Alzheimer's, but my mum has advanced Alzheimer's and I love her to bits.

He's so self centred, it's all about him. Like you I have masses of tension from over the years, my younger sister will not visit him and my brother passed 4 years ago. I actually hate my dad for saying that loosing his dog was worse than my brother passing, how can he say these things?

But I put it down to the disease and justify it that he's always been this way and probably always had dementia, which is what a doctor told me in the USA.

Bless you though, and know your not alone, thank goodness for this site.xx
 

patsy56

Registered User
Jan 14, 2015
839
Fife Scotland
I went to see mum yesterday in the nursing home and she was asleep when I arrived. I managed to rouse her gently and initially she was chatting about nice things like her cousins visiting from the USA and going shopping in black fog! However her mood switched when I said I had to leave and she became sulky and spiteful. I know it's the illness , not that she accepts she is ill, but after having been told all my life that I am hard, sharp, black and white and why can't we have been closer I have had enough. It all started I think when I was very young and I have always had the feeling that I have always fallen short of how she expects me to behave with her. Yet I am the one who has taken her on holiday , to siblings funerals and weekends away. I know she is at the end of her life and in some ways this would be easier to accept if it was new stuff but it's so hurtful. I have always been there fighting her corner , doing her tax returns , sorting out carers et etc but there has always been something lacking in our relationship and it will. Or change now . I was much closer to my dad, who died at 51 , and my nana (my mums mum) who lived with us when I was a child,. Even my nana said to my mum that we would've closer when I had children of my own andshehas thrown that ack at me over the years too saying we're not. I am so sorry for the rant but this is not all my fault and I couldn't change the way she viewed me when I was child,teenager ...we have never been really close and I would have loved things to be different but they are'nt. I am a very positive person I think and love life and maybe there is envy because my Mum has never been like that, but that's not my fault either ....I am not going to see her for a few weeks now as I am busy with work so maybe the break will be good,but I feel rotten about it ...thanks for reading . It helps to be able to vent sometimes as others know xx
I feel so much for you, now my mother is going down hill and wants to lean on me I hate it, you said < I was child,teenager ...we have never been really close and I would have loved things to be different but they aren't> I as a child teenager was told to go to my room, she didn't want to see me for the rest of the day or she hit me for something my sister did.........and she wants me to care. I know she is my mother.
 

rubyrosie

Registered User
Mar 28, 2014
24
Thank you to all you lovely people

I just wanted to thank those who have posted a reply to me ...it really does help to read about other's experiences and know that you are not a demon! I have not seen my Mother since she was mean and feel much better for it , although the guilt is still there.
My sister saw her last week and said she was unrousable (not sure if that's a word?) so I guess she is sleeping a lot more ...perhaps that's a good thing.

She is no longer my mum now and I wish her suffering would end like so many others. To witness this cruel disease strip away every last vestige of dignity and personality is heartbreaking.

But, last week I sent a card to my best friends 1 year old son and she had asked for no presents but just words of wisdom...I don't really have those but I said to him " do something everyday that makes you smile " and that's what it m going to do
Thank you x