Hi need to tell someone Peter has always dealt with the money side of thing in the house and if I wanted any he would always give it to me no questions asked, well now he won't give me any so I have been taking it out his wallet he always has a lot and he has not noticed ,I am feeling so bad about it I have never done everything like this before but I need it . Am I doing the right thing he won't let me deal with the money I have talked about it but he said he can do it ,all the bills are paid direct debit thank God so I don't have to worry about that , but it making me so sad I have to do this,we have a joint bank account but I dare not use it .'m From Christmas x
feeling bad
- Thread starter christmas
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Hi christmas, so sorry you are feeling upset and "sneaky" in order for you to have some housekeeping money, an obsession with money in different ways can go hand in hand with dementia, we have had this with both my mum and mum in law
hopefully it may be just a phrase Peter is going through, I am hoping someone here may have gone through the same situation and offer advice, I just didn't want to "read and run" so can only send you a hug and fingers crossed that something can be sorted to ease your mind.
Chris x
hopefully it may be just a phrase Peter is going through, I am hoping someone here may have gone through the same situation and offer advice, I just didn't want to "read and run" so can only send you a hug and fingers crossed that something can be sorted to ease your mind.Chris x
You are a grown woman with a joint bank account and presumably a bank card. Go to the bank and lift your own money. If you have a pension or other income open up a separate account in your own name and have everything paid into that. If your husband does t like it then let him lump it. In this age of independent working women I am aghast what women will let their partners away with.
Come on - be a big girl!
Come on - be a big girl!
As his dementia developes you are going to have to do more and more for him - particularly with regards to things like finances.
Losing the ability to understand about money - where it comes from, how much its worth, or even that you have to pay for things - is a symptom of dementia. Many people hoard money and refuse to spend anything. This may be what is happening to your husband.
You are going to have to start taking control of the finances. Take the money you need from the bank and if it would upset him to know that you are doing this then dont tell him. He probably wont even question where your money is coming from.
I would also go through his pockets every now and then and remove the money, if there is a lot, as this is not safe and he could easily lose it.
Losing the ability to understand about money - where it comes from, how much its worth, or even that you have to pay for things - is a symptom of dementia. Many people hoard money and refuse to spend anything. This may be what is happening to your husband.
You are going to have to start taking control of the finances. Take the money you need from the bank and if it would upset him to know that you are doing this then dont tell him. He probably wont even question where your money is coming from.
I would also go through his pockets every now and then and remove the money, if there is a lot, as this is not safe and he could easily lose it.
I agree with other posters, you are not doing wrong in taking the money you need so please don't feel any guilt.
Marionq's suggestion that you open a separate bank account sounds like a good idea, especially if it will avoid any conflict with your husband. Good luck, I hope you can get something sorted out without too much trouble.
Marionq's suggestion that you open a separate bank account sounds like a good idea, especially if it will avoid any conflict with your husband. Good luck, I hope you can get something sorted out without too much trouble.
Hi Christmas
As has been said you will have to come to a new arrangement over the finances. It's a concern that he always has a lot of money in his wallet and he doesn't notice it goes missing, that doesn't bode well for the future as his capacity declines.
You need to do some financial separation particularly as if the bank get wind of it they sometimes freeze an account and there's no mention of you having an LPA so you need to get money in your own name which you can access if needed.
If your husband can't keep track of what's in his wallet then can he keep track of what's in the bank account, it not then it would be easy enough to open a second account in your name only and start moving money into it.
My wife used to do all the money side of things I just had a cashcard on the joint account and took money when I needed it, but over time I've had to change all the bills over to my name and learn all the bits about keeping the car and house insured, council tax paid something I'd never had to bother with in over 30 years, she'd always managed the money and that suited us.
It is an issue you'll have to address and I guess handing over control of the finances is a big one like stopping driving, giving up work and learning you need to accept help, it's all very disempowering having these things take from you and relinquishing control to others, it can be very damaging to the self esteem for men and women.
Perhaps the most helpful advise would be how to start this conversation with him would be the most useful advise, it's something better managed than waiting for a crisis.
K
As has been said you will have to come to a new arrangement over the finances. It's a concern that he always has a lot of money in his wallet and he doesn't notice it goes missing, that doesn't bode well for the future as his capacity declines.
You need to do some financial separation particularly as if the bank get wind of it they sometimes freeze an account and there's no mention of you having an LPA so you need to get money in your own name which you can access if needed.
If your husband can't keep track of what's in his wallet then can he keep track of what's in the bank account, it not then it would be easy enough to open a second account in your name only and start moving money into it.
My wife used to do all the money side of things I just had a cashcard on the joint account and took money when I needed it, but over time I've had to change all the bills over to my name and learn all the bits about keeping the car and house insured, council tax paid something I'd never had to bother with in over 30 years, she'd always managed the money and that suited us.
It is an issue you'll have to address and I guess handing over control of the finances is a big one like stopping driving, giving up work and learning you need to accept help, it's all very disempowering having these things take from you and relinquishing control to others, it can be very damaging to the self esteem for men and women.
Perhaps the most helpful advise would be how to start this conversation with him would be the most useful advise, it's something better managed than waiting for a crisis.
K
Thank you to all of you I will do has you say it's just he keeps saying he knows what he is doing and it's all a bit frightening for me I am trying to coup and I am sure I will get there.
People with dementia often say that they are coping and they think that they really are doing everything - even when its plainly obvious that they are not.
When I talked to mum about PoA I got a huge "do you think I dont know how to look after myself and cant manage my own finances" tirade. She was a very independent widow of 30 years and thought she was still doing everything, but actually she was not paying her bills (she was hiding them between the towels in the airing cupboard) and she was squirreling away hundreds of pounds in notes in drawers, various handbags and about £400 in notes stuffed in her pockets So I understand where you are coming from.
If your conversation about your finances goes like the one between mum and me, then dont believe him when he says he knows what he is doing because he obviously doesnt, as he isnt giving you any money!
It is time to (gently, quietly, surreptitiously, so as not to hurt him) take control.
When I talked to mum about PoA I got a huge "do you think I dont know how to look after myself and cant manage my own finances" tirade. She was a very independent widow of 30 years and thought she was still doing everything, but actually she was not paying her bills (she was hiding them between the towels in the airing cupboard) and she was squirreling away hundreds of pounds in notes in drawers, various handbags and about £400 in notes stuffed in her pockets
So I understand where you are coming from.If your conversation about your finances goes like the one between mum and me, then dont believe him when he says he knows what he is doing because he obviously doesnt, as he isnt giving you any money!
It is time to (gently, quietly, surreptitiously, so as not to hurt him) take control.
