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Feeling Bad - lost my temper

Reoblack

New member
Jul 30, 2019
1
Hi, I'm new.

I too have found my Mum's behaviour infuriating and I'll also admit that at times I've shouted at her and then felt so guilty afterwards.
What's really winds me up is when she scoffs and laughs at things I say, as if I'm stupid or she talks down to me like I don't know what I'm talking about.
Upsets me so much to receive such spiteful remarks when I'm trying my best.
I realise that she has no recollection of the events over the past 5 months during which I've organised social services, carers, memory clinic appointments, took responsibility for sorting her bills out after she ran up massive debts, but she fights me at every opportunity.

I try so hard not to get angry but it's very difficult.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,454
Merseyside
Hi, I'm new.

I too have found my Mum's behaviour infuriating and I'll also admit that at times I've shouted at her and then felt so guilty afterwards.
What's really winds me up is when she scoffs and laughs at things I say, as if I'm stupid or she talks down to me like I don't know what I'm talking about.
Upsets me so much to receive such spiteful remarks when I'm trying my best.
I realise that she has no recollection of the events over the past 5 months during which I've organised social services, carers, memory clinic appointments, took responsibility for sorting her bills out after she ran up massive debts, but she fights me at every opportunity.

I try so hard not to get angry but it's very difficult.
Welcome to DTP @Reoblack.
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
Hi, I'm new.

I too have found my Mum's behaviour infuriating and I'll also admit that at times I've shouted at her and then felt so guilty afterwards.
What's really winds me up is when she scoffs and laughs at things I say, as if I'm stupid or she talks down to me like I don't know what I'm talking about.
Upsets me so much to receive such spiteful remarks when I'm trying my best.
I realise that she has no recollection of the events over the past 5 months during which I've organised social services, carers, memory clinic appointments, took responsibility for sorting her bills out after she ran up massive debts, but she fights me at every opportunity.

I try so hard not to get angry but it's very difficult.
@Reoblack - please don't feel guilty. It's only natural to feel this way. I can totally relate to how you feel when your mum scoffs and laughs...... I have this from my dad too. It breaks my heart as I know he wouldn't do this if he didn't have dementia. He really has no idea that he has it and thinks I'm just being stupid, or trying to take over - and that's when he can be hurtful.

My dad is currently having various scans since he's having breathing problems, the doc has given him an inhaler to use to help until we find out what the problem is. He gets so out of breath just walking from one room to the other but if we suggest he use the inhaler he just laughs at me for suggesting such a thing. I have now started saying but the Doctor has told you to ....

Be kind to yourself :) You're doing a grand job x
 

Catastrophe

Registered User
Feb 15, 2019
30
Hi, I'm new.

I too have found my Mum's behaviour infuriating and I'll also admit that at times I've shouted at her and then felt so guilty afterwards.
What's really winds me up is when she scoffs and laughs at things I say, as if I'm stupid or she talks down to me like I don't know what I'm talking about.
Upsets me so much to receive such spiteful remarks when I'm trying my best.
I realise that she has no recollection of the events over the past 5 months during which I've organised social services, carers, memory clinic appointments, took responsibility for sorting her bills out after she ran up massive debts, but she fights me at every opportunity.

I try so hard not to get angry but it's very difficult.
I have found Dad covers up a lack of understanding of a situation by laughing or scoffing. Difficult at home but worse in public when he laughs at some misfortune someone is trying to talk about. I know he is confused, and does not understand but others don't.
Also when he is feeling bad about something he likes to pass it on by being awkward and bad. I know all this but it's tough. Thankfully, I am managing to keep my cool for today and tomorrow Dad is off to day care tomorrow hopefully and I will get hours of free unworried time to take a break.
 

lis66

Registered User
Aug 7, 2015
277
Don't be hard on yourself I have also shouted at mum I am cleaning her house the heat is on full blast ,I open the windows ,she goes mad and closes them ,she has pushed me shouted at me told me to get out and not come back ,and I have been caring for her for the last three to four years it's hard so very very hard xxx
 

rainbowcat

Registered User
Oct 14, 2015
139
My father is ALWAYS cold, even the hottest day this year he had a jumper on and the heating turned up. He HATES the fan on (carers put it on when they visit, and I don't blame them, it's STIFLING in there and stinks of rotting wee), WON'T have windows open, keeps curtains closed cos the sun is hot/too bright, etc.
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
My father is ALWAYS cold, even the hottest day this year he had a jumper on and the heating turned up. He HATES the fan on (carers put it on when they visit, and I don't blame them, it's STIFLING in there and stinks of rotting wee), WON'T have windows open, keeps curtains closed cos the sun is hot/too bright, etc.
@rainbowcat it's STIFLING in there and stinks of rotting wee.... this made me laugh - only because when me and my daughter arrived at my parents last night, we walked into the hall, it was ROASTING, as I opened the living room door to say hi, there was a very pungent aroma, and one that you wouldn't want to bottle..... I said to my daughter to give it a minute before she popped in..... ;)
 

Catastrophe

Registered User
Feb 15, 2019
30
My father is ALWAYS cold, even the hottest day this year he had a jumper on and the heating turned up. He HATES the fan on (carers put it on when they visit, and I don't blame them, it's STIFLING in there and stinks of rotting wee), WON'T have windows open, keeps curtains closed cos the sun is hot/too bright, etc.
Dad was demanding all the windows should be bricked up as they let too much heat in on Sunny days.
And don't get me started about the smell of wee, there is usually no problem. Except at night dad won't go to the loo, he insists in sleeping in the lounge, so he just pees in whatever is handy. Usually he has an old plastic jug. But recently the smell was overpowering, oh no there goes the carpet I thought, until I tracked it down to a couple of vases on a shelf. Just don't understand it when the toilet is just in the next room about four feet away. OK rant over.
Today's peak was four blissful hours of no worry or harassing or constant questions. Just me and hubby out for a stroll, taking in a couple of art exhibitions, just like a real normal couple. Dad's first trial in day care, hopefully he will go back again, he is non committal at the moment.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,850
North West
My father is ALWAYS cold, even the hottest day this year he had a jumper on and the heating turned up. He HATES the fan on (carers put it on when they visit, and I don't blame them, it's STIFLING in there and stinks of rotting wee), WON'T have windows open, keeps curtains closed cos the sun is hot/too bright, etc.
Snap...I came in from work at 11pm one night when it was hot to find mum had turned on and turned up the heating to 30 degrees. The heat was unbearable so I opened all the windows and left the back door open. Went to check on mum to make sure she was ok and there she was under her winter duvee fast asleep quite content. I couldn't sleep in that heat and stood outside for a good half hour before the place cooled a little. I finally dosed off at about 4am
 

Rosie56

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
75
Don't beat yourself up, Reoblack. It really can be hard to keep your temper sometimes and spiteful remarks can be hard to take. My mother went through a phase of saying very nastily to me, 'You're barmy, you should be in a bloody nuthouse,' because she was confused by what I told her, and although it was ridiculous it really got to me - what upset me was how cruel and gleeful she was about what she considered to be my mental problems, when I was bending over backwards to be tactful about hers. On one occasion when I was trying hard to be positive and calm, I was told off for being 'so bloody pacificatory' and last December, when she didn't always recognise me, I drove to her house (7 hours) to take her out to the day care Christmas party, stayed with her there, brought her back and was told to get out of the house because I was an *******. (Mum's aggression and rudeness meant that when the time came for her to move into a home, some of the local homes refused her - but relatives keep on dealing!) Most of the time you bite your lip but sometimes you snap back and it happens because you're only human.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
I also totally relate to how upsetting it is to be told, with venom, what a bitch you are etc. An accusation from my mother that is particularly hurtful, ‘you do the bare minimum any decent person would do’, when I do so much, all forgotten, none acknowledged , retuning time after time to be told how awful I am and she wished I wasn’t her daughter. Sometimes, increasingly rare, she appreciates me, and it is almost more painful because I know it won’t last and the next attack will hurt even more. So sorry you are all experiencing the same x
 

Catastrophe

Registered User
Feb 15, 2019
30
I also totally relate to how upsetting it is to be told, with venom, what a bitch you are etc. An accusation from my mother that is particularly hurtful, ‘you do the bare minimum any decent person would do’, when I do so much, all forgotten, none acknowledged , retuning time after time to be told how awful I am and she wished I wasn’t her daughter. Sometimes, increasingly rare, she appreciates me, and it is almost more painful because I know it won’t last and the next attack will hurt even more. So sorry you are all experiencing the same x
I have been learning or trying to take steps back and laugh at comments, not always easy. We frequently get - take me to a home right now, they would take better care off me -. Hmmm I don't think so, here he has three of us to run after him. I think what he wants is to escape the fog of his brain and just lashes out at me as if I am the one causing the deficiency.
Today is going to be interesting, I am self employed and will be working at a local honey farm today. As dad used to be a bee keeper he thinks he can accompany me to show me how to do it. Never mind the fact my work has nothing to do with that side of the business. Usually he does not get to come with me. Hopefully I can park him in the cafe and distract him with cake. Fingers crossed.
 

Catastrophe

Registered User
Feb 15, 2019
30
Actually now I think it through its not the cruel comments that get to me. And Dad has some great lines in that department. Especially the one where he tells everyone when we are out about his wonderful son, who is the good one., while looking at me pointedly. The son that visits about once every three months. Apparently I am the bad one that spends all the money!! These I can laugh off
What I find hard to cope with and keep my temper is the illogical stupidity of someone insisting they are cold with the thermostat turned up to 30, wrapped in a blanket with sweat running down their face. Somebody that insists the radiators give off a cold breeze unless they are hot - if only they did. Dad put the central heating in himself, he built this house, he was an engineer with a very methodical logical brain. All that has gone and been replaced with the strangest of illogical ideas that he pig headedly clings too. This is what pushes my buttons and sends me over the edge. This is where I lose the plot. At least for now he has given up on the idea that we need to drill a hole in the wall to let the water out - what water says I - all the water he says. No idea what that is about or why but am sure it will creep back again sometime soon.
Thanks for your comments that have made me sit back and think. Hopefully understanding will help me deal with tense situations more calmly.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
206
London
Actually now I think it through its not the cruel comments that get to me. And Dad has some great lines in that department. Especially the one where he tells everyone when we are out about his wonderful son, who is the good one., while looking at me pointedly. The son that visits about once every three months. Apparently I am the bad one that spends all the money!! These I can laugh off
What I find hard to cope with and keep my temper is the illogical stupidity of someone insisting they are cold with the thermostat turned up to 30, wrapped in a blanket with sweat running down their face. Somebody that insists the radiators give off a cold breeze unless they are hot - if only they did. Dad put the central heating in himself, he built this house, he was an engineer with a very methodical logical brain. All that has gone and been replaced with the strangest of illogical ideas that he pig headedly clings too. This is what pushes my buttons and sends me over the edge. This is where I lose the plot. At least for now he has given up on the idea that we need to drill a hole in the wall to let the water out - what water says I - all the water he says. No idea what that is about or why but am sure it will creep back again sometime soon.
Thanks for your comments that have made me sit back and think. Hopefully understanding will help me deal with tense situations more calmly.
There’s a whole thread somewhere about how PWD turn on the radiators and break out the warmest clothes and duvets they can find, especially in heat waves. As a result we all die of heat, they get dehydrated and ill, the smells get worse, and the battles ensue. Oh joy of joys!
 

myss

Registered User
Jan 14, 2018
439
@Reoblack - please don't feel guilty. It's only natural to feel this way. I can totally relate to how you feel when your mum scoffs and laughs...... I have this from my dad too. It breaks my heart as I know he wouldn't do this if he didn't have dementia. He really has no idea that he has it and thinks I'm just being stupid, or trying to take over - and that's when he can be hurtful.
This is the main thing to remember. If your PWD was someone who wouldn't have acted like that before the dementa, then it's bound to be the dementia that is being hurtful to you, not your loved one. I can recall my dad causing my son (one of his carers) such upset that he came home looking to punch a wall because my dad called him all sorts of name because he dared to serve him dinner in the evening!

My dad thought it was morning time despite being shown the news saying the time and the 24hr clock on the EPG, and even said at the time that he would rather walk out in the road in a blindfold than believe he was wrong. I know my dad could be stubborn before the dementia but not like that and he was never rude with his grandkids.

Most times I ttry to remember that bit in bold and either laugh it off or not carry the conversation further but it is hard as we are all human and have emotions.
 

Louise83

Registered User
Feb 5, 2019
79
Re-reading this thread to help calm myself. Mum has been really angry and nasty towards me a lot this week. Today was an ok day, she went to bed about an hour ago, but about 30 minutes later got up angry that she heard "Louise" crying and no one was telling her what was wrong (I'm Louise but she thinks there is another one sometimes).
After trying to reassure her that the 'other' Louise was ok I got a load of abuse, called a liar etc. I lost the plot and shouted back at her to leave me alone and get to bed.

To be honest I'm not even feeling guilty - as bad as that sounds. Just so angry at this disease and what it is doing to my mum and in turn me.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,604
cornwall
Hi.I lost it with dad last week.After the “woo is me”moan etc,about how his life is boring and how he cannot do anything and just being hurtful towards me..I lost it and said “I don’t actually need to be here you know”He told me to go ,but I didn’t.(He cannot walk on his own or do anything much)except play with the tv control.He has self awareness about his condition,but I refuse to be his whipping boy.(I’m female)But it does drive you to the brink of despair sometimes!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Dementia is capable of infinite stubbornness; carers are only capable of finite patience. But you're right, it doesn't stop you feeling like something usually found on the bottom of a shoe when things go wrong.

Last night, after another whole day of trying -- over and over and over and over and over and OVER AGAIN! -- to get Mum to take her pills, I did something which would probably get me arrested in a care home environment. I finally managed to get the pills into her mouth, but she started to spit them out and...

And half an hour later, after I'd cleaned us both up and got most of the spilled tea out of the carpet, Mum thanked me quietly for some strawberries and ice cream. She didn't eat them all, but then she eats like a sparrow at the best of times now, so it was a victory of sorts. But she remembered nothing about our earlier drama, even though I was horrified and guilt-ridden.

I'd probably feel better if she did remember... forgiveness, whether accidental or deliberate, can be harder to live with than rage and retribution. Sometimes the fact that such incidents are so easily swept under the carpet makes me feel even worse. We have to be our own juror, judge and emotional executioner, because there's usually nobody else to keep us on the rails. As if we didn't have enough on our plates already!

But I think I've said before that the time to worry is when we stop feeling guilty. Guilt means we're back on solid emotional ground.

Mum still hasn't taken her pills today either, and although that's not the end of the world while she's not on antibiotics, it's probably contributing to her overall state of confusion and I suspect she'll be back on antibiotics again after tomorrow morning's sample goes to the doctor. So the stakes are going to get raised again and I'll try to get something liquid or crushable this time. But that still doesn't guarantee success, because Mum was always eligible for the UK Olympic stubbornness team and dementia has elevated her to gold medal status.

Meanwhile, the only gold medal I'm getting is for hypocrisy, self-doubt and grasping at straws. But half an hour ago, after Mum tried to thump me for helping her in the loo, she finally had a wee and then said 'I love you', out of the blue, in the moments of calm relief which usually follow.

How are any of us supposed to deal with such an emotional minefield? We know we're supposed to crawl slowly, probing every inch of ground ahead for hazards, but sometimes the tension gets too much and we want to stand up, scream at the sky, and run for the nearest exit. Sometimes we get away with it. Sometimes we wish we'd kept crawling.

Here's to crawlers everywhere. It's hard on your emotional kneeds, but the lower you are, the shorter the fall. :)
My Mum is a contender for silver in the medal stakes! I don’t know how you do it caring full time. I just couldn’t. I’m in awe of what you do

I have just read this thread through from the beginning,I feel like I’ve come home ... the posts on here have made me smile & cry.
On one hand I’m thrilled I’m not the only person feeling like this but saddened that others do.
So hello “family “, you are awesome
 
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Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,928
@DesperateofDevon I look after dad 24/7 for probably 10 days out of 15 so I do get a break. The rest of the family work so that's how it is. It has actually got a lot easier as dad declines. He sleeps nearly all of the time now so I can open windows without him noticing which is a blessing. I can even pop out to the shops or have a short walk because I know dad will sleep in his chair.

It is sad that as dad declines the caring gets easier but it has.

Dad should really be in a care home but he is such a gentleman and so kind and also has cancer and this means that I haven't the heart to put him in a home. He is still continent too which I am very grateful for. He is also very compliant and happy as Larry.

I keep thinking about care homes and have even looked at some but realistically unless dad has some terrible downturn I can't see it happening. Dad is too content and it won't be forever, will it.

You are right @DesperateofDevon it does help to know you are not alone but sometimes you feel alone anyway. Everything is about dad, never about me.