Feeling at the end of my tether.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by VonVee, Dec 29, 2015.

  1. VonVee

    VonVee Registered User

    Dec 15, 2014
    69
    Poole Dorset
    #1 VonVee, Dec 29, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2015
    Well it's been a few months since I last posted, main reason is I've been so busy adjusting to this carer's role that descended on me a year ago and the fat lady hasn't sang yet as its not over by a long shot.

    Last night me and my husband watched a late night film, kids went to bed, so it was just me and him, which made a change, anyway I went to bed around 1.30am, and at 3.45am I was woken up by my husband telling me that lifeline called us as she's got a sensor on her door now and apparently Mum's front door opened at 3.40am and they called down the intercom to no response from my mother and they said it's likely she's not there! So up I got, got dressed , and as my husband hadn't been to bed yet, and had work in the morning I had to call a cab to take me down there which cost a bloody fortune being New Years week, for a 15 minute journey, anyway when I arrived it was about 4.10 am and I asked the cab driver to wait outside for me as I hate the dark and I hate being on my own in the dark, I went into the flat, and it was clear she wasn't there, so the voice came over the door intercom again and I told them that she'd gone and that I was going to go and look for her on the quay, the cab driver kindly offered to drive around and look, after I gave him a description of her, he drove off and I ended up at the thistle hotel because she was found there last time this happened, she wasn't, so I left and then decided to call the police, it was then as I was waiting to be put through I had a phone call waiting and it was the cab driver saying he'd found my mum!
    Like Jesus Christ you know!! So he brought her back to the flat and I met him, and she was in her nighty and pink dressing gown holding a teddy bear, a blanket, a pair of trousers, a blouse and a bra, and when she saw me the first thing she said to me was, oh
    What are you doing here!! So I thanked the cabbie, and took her back into the flat and told life line, it was 4.37am at this point, so I settled her down, and gave her something to eat and a drink and I put the telly on, she was wet, so I had to change her clothes, as she refused to keep her nighty on and go back to bed, so I was forced to stay there until her morning carer arrived which wasn't till 9 am, mum's mental state was all over the place, she was talking complete rubbish and as I hadn't had a lot of sleep, I was flagging, but I couldn't go home yet as she was very confused and all over the place so I couldn't leave her there on her own, anyway it got to 8.30am and I was so tired I had to go home, plus the kids would be up soon, so I left.

    The thing is this is one drama amongst many this year, and I'm feeling at the end of my tether, she's moving in with us in a few weeks time, and really I could of done without last night episode, but she only has me, and I can't give up on her, but Ive been so very tired today I can tell you and I'm dreading what tonight may bring.
     
  2. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    Poor you...I can't imagine how frantic, cross and sad you must be feeling.
    I am just wondering if this is a Urine infection or some other kind of infection, the confusion, incontinence and wandering etc all sound a bit UTI ish. It might be worth a visit to the GP to check?
     
  3. VonVee

    VonVee Registered User

    Dec 15, 2014
    69
    Poole Dorset

    Yes I was wondering that too, but Ive been so tired today that I will deal with it tomorrow and ring her doctor and get a nurse in. Thanks hon
    Xx
     
  4. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,815
    UK
    What a night. Hope you are tucked away in bed and fast asleep now. Things may get easier when your mum eventually moves in with you, that is to say at least there will be no more night time wandering because you will have control of all locked doors. Confusion could be down to UTI or that she is exhausted after her night time walk.
     
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    I agree the quicker she can move to you the better as you will have better chance of sorting things out and more control - better for both of you. If she was out in so few clothes if she didn't have an infection before I would be surprised if she doesn't now!
    It might be that she is aware of the move in the back of her mind somewhere and that is causing her to be stressed which often triggers 'odd' behaviours - it may have made perfect sense to her that she was looking for you or trying to find something out.

    Once you are together hopefully some of this behaviour will gradually calm down and if not you can seek medication and help xxxx
     
  6. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    332
    rct
    Hi!
    I'm my dad's carer and have been for a few years. The one thing I've also found is that people always say you should take time out or get some help...but very often it's not that simple. My dad won't accept help from anyone else..so if I don't it doesn't get done. . As helpful as my husband is he has to work and to be honest he'd probably get in a stew!
    The lifeline is an amazing thing..but we are literally on call 24/7.
    I don't begrudge doing it but physically and emotionally you never switch off or relax. Children also demand time of you and sometimes you split yourself in so many different pieces you feel the pressure pulling you.

    I would certainly call gp just incase there's an infection.
    I don't know if you've had any respite? And we haven't even done that ourselves..just wondered if would help you.

    When your loved one comes to you..would your hubby be able to help more???

    Best wishes
     
  7. VonVee

    VonVee Registered User

    Dec 15, 2014
    69
    Poole Dorset
    Hi Henfenywfach

    Yes I agree, we've had the lifeline now for a few weeks, but it's been touch and go, because it's annoying mum, as she's going to the door all the time and opening up, so that triggers the sensor off, it's going off 24/7, and then I get them calling me at home, it's been a nightmare actually, but it's important for mum to have it while she's in that flat.

    Yes you may be right, she may Have a urine infection, so I'll get on to the doctor in the morning, also she's having the GPS system installed tomorrow, so at least that's progress, but I can't relax until she's living here with us really, as I feel like my life is being controlled by The SS and CA, atm and its taking its toll, and I want some control back.

    No I haven't had any respite hon, I wish!!! Can't really afford it and not much time for anything else since I've been caring for mum, my life's a whirlwind atm.

    I'm not sure whether hubby would help more after mum comes live with us, at this moment in time with how things are between us, I'd say no and probably very unlikely, but we'll see.

    It's not his fault, he has to work, I get that, but a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss. Xx




     
  8. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Just a suggestion but would fitting CCTV help you? A few people do fit it in the relatives home and can see what's happening etc without having to physically visit in the night etc. I realise if she's walking out the door the alarm is obviously better system but just for peace of mind.

    Have you considered having a live in carer for her instead of moving her in with you? Reading your post as an outsider, it sounds like you will be even more stretched if she moves in with you, with children etc and hubby being detached from it all. Tensions will rise over time, whereas if you had a carer living in at least you have peace of mind and a little freedom.

    Presumably she has a social worker? Why not speak to them and make them aware of her wandering, and see if they can offer more help?

    May I also say, what a lovely cabbie, how kind of him to search for her and return her too. Restores your faith in humans.

    Keep in touch and try to ease up if you can.
     
  9. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    332
    rct

    Thanks for replying.
    In my area you register as a carer with carers project and have carers assessment with social services. It might be different in your area..but we are told that we are entitled to X amount of free respite. Might be worth looking into.

    Could you get a sitter even if only once in a while.?

    The reality is that even if we switch off phones or try and have time out..The things that happen still happen and I guess we pick up the pieces the next day....or when the alarm goes off...

    With my dad's alarm I have to respond or the next call if no reply would be the police. In my aunts case in a different area a warden attends if a member of family isn't contactable. I think all services should be like that.

    When you're all living together it's ok to bring help in to your home if required. Again easier said than done.

    Wishing you lots of strength and courage. Best wishes.
     

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