Feeling a bit guilty

[blueboy]

Just come back from Mum's house - 5 minutes away. She has dementia and is very frail. She is also incontinent now and has carers 4 times a day and Meals on Wheels twice a day. However, she is very easy going and really not much trouble to anyone. Part of me feels that I should just move in with her (with my 2 dogs!) as I worry about her being lonely. However, she sleeps a lot of the time now and might find my dogs disruptive.I think I felt bad going leaving her on her own in the family house although a carer comes in at about 8pm to get her ready for bed.
I realise that she may well become more difficult as the disease progresses and the plan had been that she should go into care at some point. What have others done in this situation?

 

[Mrsbusy]

Really the only thing that others have done is what they thought was best for their circumstances. Lots of people manage from a distance, so I think at least being five minutes away is a bonus. Do you work at the moment? Would your dogs be too boisterous or may get in the way and she falls over them, or maybe she would like their company. You should also be aware of financial implications if you moved in, especially if she is self funding if she goes into care home, wouldn't want to see you homeless.

These are just ideas off the top of my head, others with more experience will know more than me but please think of every aspect of taking on a caring role as it is life changing and if she has support in place and it's working then that's a bonus.

 

[Beate]

If you feel that she is lonely, have you thought about a day care centre or a sitting/befriending service? You'd need an assessment through Social Services but if she is that easy going, she might enjoy it. At least, if she just sleeps there, she'll be doing it in company and will be safe and looked after with a regular meal at lunchtime. But she might enjoy the social activities! Not everyone's behaviour becomes more difficult, but she might need more help with daily activities and personal care in future, and she would be in the system already then.

 

[blueboy]

She has refused day care - not the most sociable person! I am retired so could be around most of the time but maybe I should just leave things as they are - seems to be working well enough. I think I just felt a bit bad about leaving her this evening - she doesn't watch TV and, because of Macular Degeneration, can't read. I suppose I just needed to feel a bit less guilty about leaving her alone. I'm sure that lots of us on here have the same feelings and it is good to be able to be honest.

 

[Shedrech]

I wonder if you could stay with her for just a few nights and see what her evenings and night-times are like. That might show you how settled she is - or highlight any problems.
What does she do when on her own - listen to music/radio ?

 

[blueboy]

She just seems to doze, Shedrech. Never even listens to music..and seems to do to bed just after 8pm, after the carer has been in. I might try your idea.

 

[canary]

Night times can be a whole new world, blueboy.
At the beginning when I was just waking up to the fact that mum had Big Problems she stayed with me for a week-end and I found out that she was up practically all night fretting. She came and woke me up several times worrying about "noises in the kitchen" and each time I came down with her, showed her there was nothing wrong and suggested that it might be the fridge In the morning she obviously had no recollection of this at all and said that she had slept very well!!!
Sadly, her night-time agitation soon extended to her going out in her nighty and getting lost.
I think shedrechs idea of staying with her and seeing what it is like is a good one.

 

[RedLou]

If she's happy, Blueboy, I would tend to leave things as they are. It's impossible to foretell how the dogs may affect her and as you say, they might prove too much for her and she might like her quiet, sleepy routine. As others have said, might just be worth checking that she is settled at night. Guilt is an occupational hazard of caring - you always think there is something you can do to make things a bit better. When you feel it whispering to you, recognise it for what it is - a manifestation of helplessness and your own love, but not something to indulge.