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Feel useless

Tinglecreek

New member
Sep 23, 2019
6
Suffolk
I gave up work in January to look after my dad he's 89 he has mixed type dementia. He seems to getting worse quickly. My mum really isn't coping that's really why I gave up work, she's physically well but I feel like I'm caring g for both of them and that she's giving g up.Some days Dad is so angry and violent he attacks my mum.Im so worried she won't except any outside help or advice.I don't know what to do?
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
7,034
Bristol
Welcome to DTP @Tinglecreek. I'm not sure quite what to advise if you realy think your mum would not accept outside help, which she needs to do if your dad is being violent.
The national dementia helpline can advise you though, and we have a large number of members who have more experience of your family's problem who can help.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline will give you phone numbers and times to call.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,231
Yorkshire
hello @Tinglecreek
welcome from me too

make sure your mum has a safe place to get away from your dad, a room with a lock on the door, and a mobile to hand so she can call for help .... she has a right to feel safe in her own home, and the police will help, they know about such situations

if you know their GP, tell the GP what is happening and that you are concerned for your mum's safety, hopefully the GP pay a home visit or invite him to the surgery eg for his flu jab, and check your dad over ... there may well be meds that can help him settle

will your mum go to the GP herself?

you can also contact their LA's Adult Services, explain the situation and say you are concerned that your mum is at risk of harm
 

Tinglecreek

New member
Sep 23, 2019
6
Suffolk
Thank you for your advice ,we have seen the GP he put Dad on meds ....which helped abit but the GP said he couldn't be on them long term. It feels like Dad was diagnosed then it's like off you go and get on with it!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,760
Kent
It feels like Dad was diagnosed then it's like off you go and get on with it!
Sadly it`s true. We have to `get on with it` because there are no solutions. All we can do is ask for any help available and resources are so oversubscribed it seems to depend on what individual Local Authorities can offer.

Have you asked for a Social Services assessment? If your dad became known to them, some help may be available.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
866
Hi @Tinglecreek, it sounds like you are doing a grand job supporting your Mum and Dad in their time of need, it sounds as though it is too much for your poor Mum to cope with. Really good point by @Shedrech about a safe haven for Mum though. You are spot on when you say 'off you go and get on with it', sadly its the reality and that can feel quite daunting and frightening, the forum here can help and hopefully you won't feel quite as isolated. You have probably found that friends that haven't experienced this don't understand the distress and emotional and physical strain it puts on those in the eye of the storm. Be sure to take care of yourself, it does become all consuming. All the best.
 

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
57
East Yorkshire
I gave up work in January to look after my dad he's 89 he has mixed type dementia. He seems to getting worse quickly. My mum really isn't coping that's really why I gave up work, she's physically well but I feel like I'm caring g for both of them and that she's giving g up.Some days Dad is so angry and violent he attacks my mum.Im so worried she won't except any outside help or advice.I don't know what to do?
So sorry to hear your story. Your mum is grieving for the life she shared with her husband, he is no longer that same person, their relationship has changed. Yes I am sure she can do the caring tasks but just wants things to be as they were. She does need support, some time away does the world of good. Tell she her must look after herself, keep herself well to continue to look after her husband.