1. Q&A: Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) - Thursday 27 Sept, 3-4pm

    Power of attorney (LPA) is a legal tool that gives another adult - often a carer or family member - the legal authority to make decisions on behalf of someone with dementia, if they become unable to themselves.

    Our next expert Q&A will be hosted by Flora and Helen from our Knowledge Services team. They will be answering your questions on LPA on Thursday 27 September from 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Feel totally defeated today.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Duggies-girl, Apr 16, 2018.

  1. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    This is a long one and I don't expect anyone to read it but i just had to write it down somewhere as I feel like.
    running away and hiding

    I visit dad twice a day with my husband helping out here and there. On Mothers day my husband had a small heart attack. and had to wait 4 days for an angiogram and another two stents after having one fitted two years ago. I was due to go away with the Open University for a weekend Friday to Sunday and did not expect to be able to go. Anyway husband came out in time and looked after dad for me so it all worked out although we did miss the Jake Bugg gig that we were so looking forward to.

    Fast forward to last Friday and husband offered to go down dads to give me a morning off. I actually had an hour off before husband rang me to say he had called himself an ambulance from dads house as he was experiencing same symptoms as before. I rushed down dads and found two ambulances outside and six paramedics in his front room. Apparently dad had been very calm and helpful. He also had no memory of the event when I went back in the evening and asked me what I had been doing all day, I have not reminded him as there is no point.

    So I followed the ambulance to the hospital spent seven hours there while they did numerous tests before admitting him and here we are again. Husband has had another small heart attack and is still on the ward waiting for another angiogram. I am still visiting dad twice a day and husband in between. I have to take dad to the hospital Thursday for a gastroscopy which means I will have to sleep there Wednesday night and Thursday night.

    I was also going away this weekend with the Open University as I am studying astronomy which is very very hard and I need this weekend or I will fail my exam in June. It is my last exam and I just want to finish and I know that is totally selfish but I am almost there after six years of studying. I never expected to be in this position after all this time. I am totally fed up. I am 61 years old and studying is my salvation at the moment. It is absolutely the highlight of my day to open a book and lose myself in it.

    I now have a dad who is starving himself and a husband who has had two heart attacks within a month and also lost a stone and a half since last year. He is 70 this year and has always been very fit and healthy till now.

    I am really not expecting to still have dad here this time next year (he may prove me wrong) and we were planning on some travel but right now I can't even look at the future.

    I feel like I am trapped in some kind of never ending bad dream and whichever way I go there is some kind of obstacle that I can't get over. I also feel guilty that I am thinking of myself when I have got two poorly people to care for but I never asked for this and I am just fed up with it all.
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Oh @Duggies-girl, no wonder you feel so fed up. You have so much on your plate.

    Does your dad get any care through Social Services? If not I think it would be in order to contact them and ask them to assess/re-asses his needs/changing needs as you are no longer in a position to provide the level of care you've been providing.

    There's certainly no way you should be feeling guilty. You can't be a carer to two people with these levels of need. You'll end up ill yourself. Please think about calling for outside help.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and wish him a speedy recovery.
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    That is a lot to contend with. All I can do is express the hope that everything works out for all of you.

    Don’t feel guilty as we carers have our own lives too and that’s important for our own well-being, which is important if we are to keep caring.
  4. Trapisha

    Trapisha Registered User

    Nov 28, 2017

    Sorry To hear all this Duggies girl no wonder u feel like running away its too much for anyone
    to bear two people ill at the same time x let alone a loved one with dementia. I feel awful with just my mom having dementia and my husband also helps me out at times when i feel i can't
    face going to see her on my own. I don't know why we have to go through this vile time when
    we all end up in the same place in the end. I am sad all the time have lost the mom i used to
    know even though can still take her out for coffee their is no conversation anymore its not
    fair i want it to end but don't want her to die! We have a place in cornwall where we used to
    go to regularly as we are retired but can't face going anymore too much worry back home
    i never thought retirement would be like this and never ending. i hope your husband is ok
    and gets better soon xx Wishing you better times xxx
  5. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017

    Thank you @Izzy and @karaokePete I know I must get some help. I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Still don't know what is going on with my husband and he has been in there for 3 days now.
  6. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    Thank you @Trapisha Yes I feel like that. I love my dad and he is so sweet and I do not want him to die either but I do want this to end. I am fed up with this life and the only one who helps me is my husband who gives me the odd day morning off and would have covered me for the coming weekend. Glad your husband helps you as well. My husband was going to Spain when he had his first attack so he missed that. Such a shame about your cottage you should try to go. Yes retirement seems to have backfired on us.
  7. Elle3

    Elle3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2016
    Oh Duggies-girl you have my total sympathy, that is just too much for one person to cope with. Please make some calls and try to get yourself some help. I wish your husband a speedy recovery. Big ((HUGS)) to you. Elle x
  8. Trapisha

    Trapisha Registered User

    Nov 28, 2017
  9. imsoblue

    imsoblue Registered User

    Feb 19, 2018
    Oh how I wish I could help you. You are in my prayers.
  10. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    I'm so sorry to hear this @Duggies-girl . I hope your husband's health improves soon. This is too much to deal with. Please consider getting help for your dad.

    Thinking of you

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