Feel the need to off load!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Cate, Sep 11, 2006.

  1. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Everyone
    Hope you all dont mind, but I feel the need for a good old moan. Just been woken up by mum (again), ringing to say 'hello', didn't realise is was 4.30 am, thought it was the afternoon, (the clue is in the darkness mum), you can tell by the sarcasm I'm a tat fed up. I know 'its good to talk', but daylight hours would be good.

    A lot has been going on lately. While I was enjoying my 2 week hols in July mum had a fall. She had been calling my brother every 3 - 4 minutes, so ignorning the guilt monster, he didn't answer the last time, then the guilt monster took over, and he rang her back 5 mins later. No answer. She does this quite often so one or the other of us will hot foot it over to check on her, after 10 minutes the guilt monster got the better of him, and off he went.

    There she was on the floor, not quite sure if she got down there when she heard him going in, or had fallen, but he called the paramedics who were fantastic, all vitals fine, nothing broken. Whew. No room at the local hospital, no room at the General (according to the paramedics 4 days minimum on a trolley!). GP called, to cut a long story short, she had a UTI which did account for the added confusion. Bro spent the next 10 days with her, every day and all day.

    On my return I could see a big difference in her levels of confusion, called her Consultant who saw her a week later, he suggested it was now time to be looking for a NH. So we enter the mine field of researching a good NH, looking into the funding aspect, thats mind blowing in itself, then the round of visiting loads of NH. Having visited a few EMI we realised mum isn't quite ready for that yet, so the plan being Residential NH, with seperate EMI for later on, if and when. Talked to mum about it, and yep she agreed, big sighs of relief all round.

    Well, to say we saw the good, the bad and the down right ugly (how do some of them get away with it) is an understatement.

    We have found a fantastic NH, everything excellent. Went without an appointment and was greeted really well. (Some were really phased that we just turned up, bad sign). Talked to residents, one had lived there 16 years, staff, all had been working there well over 3 years, most 6 years +, all very used to looking after folk with AD. No bad 'smells'. In short well organised, no patronizing going on, daily activities organised if residents want to join in. Good sensible choice of menu. We also visited the EMI unit, all good there to, so if and when, just a move upstairs. The big plus, a room had become available the day before. After much begging they agreed to give mum first refusal on it. Once the current residents furnture is moved out, they are going to decorate (looked OK to me as it is), new carpet etc. Brill.

    Told mum all about it, very pleased can't wait to move, Yipeeee. Come the day of her visit, all smiles and chatting on the way, (its looking good). Whew.

    However, once we got inside, its all scowling, huffing, not talking, couldn't have been worse. On the way home to my house, total silence. So I tex my son, if anyone can get this back from the ashes its the grandson. He was brilliant, talked to her for ages, came out of the lounge all smiles, yes she is being silly, of course she wants to go. Big sighs of relief all round. Phoned the NH, they were not at all worried that she was a bit 'off' seen it all before, only natural etc. etc. Great. So me and the brother have been moving mountains over the last week to make this happen. Social Services have been 'pushed' into action, assessment for funding taking place on Tuesday, all going along nicely.

    Yesturday she got up in a fowl mood. Started calling me at 3:30 am, by mid day her hand bag had been stolen, here we go. Then her cutlery had been stolen. Then her dentures (this one has been going on for months and we never did find them). So hot foot it over (she's an hours drive away), handbag by the side of her chair, cutlery hidden in bathroom. An hour later all is well, still looking forward to the NH (chuffed it is only 6 miles away from me etc. etc.).

    Get home, the phone starts, and literally dozens of calls later, (her last phone bill my brother counted she had phoned me over 480 times in that 1/4. By 7:00 pm the abuse starts, I wont repeat here for your tender eyes what she called me, and she isn't moving anywhere. You must have all heard me scream.

    I'm ashamed to say, after a long day of taking a verbal battering, I ended up saying, "please yourself I've gone beyond careing". Ouch, gilt monster is sat firmly on my shoulder as I type, but I just lost the plot. If there is an 'up side', she has totally forgotten yesturday, but I must admit to not mentioning the NH when I just spoke to her, way too afraid, and unable to cope with the possibility that she has actually changed her mind. All common sense is telling me it's all perfectly understandible, 88 years old with AD, its a massive change for her. When I was talking to her meals on wheels fella he said 'its only the illness', I could have spat in his eye, I KNOW, doesnt make it any easier does it.

    Well everyone, another day is dawning, cor what I wouldn't give to take the scissors to the phone line, hay ho. Thanks for listening. Keep all your fingers crossed that we do achieve getting her into this safe place for all our sanity.
  2. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    In case no one has told you today,
    you are a lovely, lovely person
  3. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Lynne

    Thank you soooooooooooo much, no nobody told me until now.

    You are a star, that really cheered me up no end.

  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    So many elements of your post rang true, I had to check I hadn't writen it! As Lynne said, you are a lovely, lovely person.

    P.S. I would have been inclined to ask the meals on wheels chap what HIS excuse was for saying something so stupid.
  5. linus

    linus Registered User

    Sep 6, 2006
    Hi Cate,
    All fingers and toes are crossed for you. We are not as far down this road with my mum as you are with yours, but I hope I will be able to find the strength and compassion you are showing should we eventually undergo a similar experience. :)
  6. mw52

    mw52 Registered User

    Aug 25, 2006
    Hang on! You are not alone

    Dear Cate
    I get a lot of comfort from reading other people's posts (is that weird?) - but I feel so much better knowing that it's not "just us" and it helps to learn how other people cope! My mum went downhill quickly after a fall and developing UTI/Chest Infection/bit of renal failure and is now in a nursing home.
    Hope it all works out - I'm sure it will and you and your brother will feel better knowing that she is safe.
  7. Trisha

    Trisha Registered User

    Apr 8, 2006
    Cate, seems like de ja vu reading your posting, been there done it etc etc, the only difference is that my MIL of 94 lives with us!!!!! We have been successful for the first time in getting respite for 2 weeks in June this year, MIL actually ENJOYED IT!! she is due for a further 2 week spell next Tuesday, all I have to add is hang in there all will come good eventually, we told MIL that our marriage was at stake (which it was) and she agreed to go for a "holiday"
  8. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Everyone
    Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. Just to update you, we are still on track for the NH, and only 14 calls so far today. Hoooray.

    However her chuffing rug has gone missing, bin stolen, and her mum gave it to her. Bless, grannie died 43 years ago!!!! The real shame is, as you all know too well she totally believes this. To the bother I've pinched it, to me, he's had it. Felt like saying we chopped the chuffing thing in half, and got half each, but dont somehow think she would see the funny side. Aghhhhhhhhhh. That's a lot of the problem, she remembers 110% what was in her mum's house 70 years ago, but doesn't recognise what's in hers now.

    Thanks again all, going to get in 40 winks before my night time Busby start calling and we go through Groundhog Day.

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