1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. EliciasNan

    EliciasNan Registered User

    Nov 4, 2017
    12
    Hello, I'm new here and this is my first post.... So here goes..
    My mum has been diagnosed with vascular dementia, she's 91 next week. I am trying so hard to take each day as it comes but I'm really struggling, I'm tearful most days and struggling to concentrate at work. My mum is being cared for mainly by my sister who is 71 and I worry about how she is coping, we are close so we talk often but my sister doesn't seem to understand why I am so upset as she deals with things differently. I feel like I have to be strong for not only my mum but my sister too. I just can't seem to control my emotions and get my act together....i just feel an emotional wreck. I'm normally the organiser and the strong one in the family, I work full-time and have a busy life with looking after husband, grown up children, grandchildren, etc and I have organised all Mum's LPA's, carers/financial assessments, the appointment with GP that led to where we are now, I'm organising a befriender for Mum, filling in Attendance allowance forms, so practically most things are in place for Mum. I feel like I'm losing the plot...
     
  2. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    Welcome, @EliciasNan . You have come to the right place to find support! Talking Point is made up of people who, like yourself, need to be able to "talk" to others who understand.

    It's good that you are getting all the practical things in order. That is much needed, and I'm sure your sister appreciates you taking care of these things. Now though, I'd say you are having to face why you are busy doing all this organising. Your mum is ill with dementia. No matter how old they or we are, we're never ready for that.

    All you can do is take it one day at a time. Don't look to the future. Make the most of each day.
     
  3. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,629
    Female
    London
    You are grieving, and that is completely normal. While we are organising things we feel we are in control but sometimes we have to step back and take a breather as well. Be kind to yourself. You're doing your mother proud.
     
  4. EliciasNan

    EliciasNan Registered User

    Nov 4, 2017
    12
    Thank you both for your kind replies, it's great to have somewhere like this to help each other with worries and concerns about everything to do with this illness that has a big impact on everyone. Thanks for your great advice, it's much appreciated!
     
  5. copsham

    copsham Registered User

    Oct 11, 2012
    593
    Oxfordshire
    Hi Elicia
    You sound a bit like me... really coping when you are busying yourself! I have been so tearful recently. It is such a long pathway of accepting what is happening, going with the flow etc. BUT then grief pops up unexpectedly and hit you hard. Coincidentally my mother is 91 in two weeks time. She certainly is physically robust will prob live to be 100!
    Take care of your relationship with your sister. I fell out with mine over care issues for my mother and I really wish I hadn't!
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
     
  6. copsham

    copsham Registered User

    Oct 11, 2012
    593
    Oxfordshire
    Just rereading your post reminds me of me being strong for every one then suddenly feeling vulnerable. It took me a while to feel comfortable or safe with my vulnerability but it also felt as if the burden of always being strong had been lifted. It is a complex path we are on!
     
  7. fireflame

    fireflame New member

    Nov 3, 2017
    3
    Hello Eliciasnan,I know just how you feel.My mum is 94 and I am 71 and even though I have three younger brothers everything has fallen to me.I'm sure they see me as very capable but it would be lovely not to have to be so in charge all the time.And I too have my health problems.Things are calming down a little now and they will for you too I'm sure.But soon the problem of a care home will loom and that is what I am dreading.Good luck and good wishes. x
     
  8. EliciasNan

    EliciasNan Registered User

    Nov 4, 2017
    12
    Thank you everyone for your kind replies and helpful advice!!! Just overwhelmed by it all to be honest...Mum is going downhill so quickly...she has started choking on food and drink and is waiting for an urgent appointment with the SALT. Social Services are coming to reassess Mum as she clearly needs more help.Can't get my head around it all.
     
  9. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,738
    Yorkshire
    hi @EliciasNan
    sorry to read that your mum is having such difficulties - I hope the SALT team and Social Services are supportive
    we can't actually come over and help, but TP is here any time you have something on your mind or just want to chat
    so keep posting
     
  10. Trapisha

    Trapisha Registered User

    Nov 28, 2017
    135
     
  11. Trapisha

    Trapisha Registered User

    Nov 28, 2017
    135
    .

    Hi EliciasNan

    Sorry to hear about your mom, i am new too today. I feel I'm in the same boat as you
    my mom 86 has just been diagnosed with mixed dementia although i have known for three
    years that there was something wrong. I have always been so close and always dreaded
    something being wrong with her, i am an only child and feel so lonely and devastated at
    whats happening to her. It has caused anxiety and panic attacks four the last four months
    so I've had to go on medication to help me through some days i don't k ow what to do and
    feel awful, just hoping i can get used to it and cope better. i have two granddaughters age
    1 and 2and half and can't enjoy much at the moment and feel guilty about that when i am with them. really struggling at the moment. Attendance allowance sorted and care twice a day
    I am scared of the future.....
     
  12. Flossie56

    Flossie56 Registered User

    Aug 30, 2017
    5
     
  13. EliciasNan

    EliciasNan Registered User

    Nov 4, 2017
    12
    I'm so sorry to hear that Trapisha. I'm scared of the future too. It's horrible isn't it when your Mum is not your Mum, she looks like her but it's not her....I have been to my GP, I think I'll have to have meds soon as I'm not coping, I've got a full time job plus volunteer commitments.I don't want time off work as I'm scared of getting completely taken over by this nightmare that won't go away. It's good that you have your care package in place for your Mum and your AA sorted. You are doing so well, I'm sure your grandchildren give you moments of joy and make you laugh!!! Hang on to those happy times when you feel low .it helps. And keep talking about how you are feeling , it's important to talk.I'm finding it really helpful on here, we are not alone in all this and we need to support each other. Big Hugs xxx
     
  14. chickenlady

    chickenlady Registered User

    Feb 28, 2016
    94
    Make time for yourself, even if it is an hour twice a week to go to pilates or join a choir or something, it's not only vital to relax and take time off but you will need a social network and distractions as things get tougher. Try to take a few days leave and plan half a day here and there to do something nice. Try to strengthen the bond with your sister, if only by phoning to have a laugh at the strange conversations you've been having with Mum and sharing your concerns. Try not to dwell on the future and what might happen it wastes the time you have left to create smiles and laughter. Keep posting on here and don't worry about having a rant, that's what we're here for.
     
  15. EliciasNan

    EliciasNan Registered User

    Nov 4, 2017
    12
    Thank you for your kind words, I'm taking a few days off in the New Year ,yes I'll take your good advice and concentrate on the here and now instead of what might or might not happen...We have things planned with Mum coming up that we hope she will enjoy...And I'll keep my sense of humour too! Thanks again x
     
  16. chickenlady

    chickenlady Registered User

    Feb 28, 2016
    94
    Even with entertainment, plan half hour things to occupy her or make Her smile rather than expensive trips out when she may get tired and irritable. For example 20 minutes going over old photos and remembering a great occasion may bring more smiles than a big family meal where she moans about the food. My Dad loves going out for a drive to look at boats and then naps on the way home, he also loves singing so an old fashioned karaoke DVD with the words on the screen goes down well.
    Best wishes,
     
  17. Trapisha

    Trapisha Registered User

    Nov 28, 2017
    135
     
  18. Trapisha

    Trapisha Registered User

    Nov 28, 2017
    135
    Hi EliciasNan Thank you for your comments its amazing how many of us are going through
    this awful time isn't it? If you do have to go on medication it takes time but it has helped me
    think i was heading for a breakdown otherwise they have calmed me down but don't take
    away the sadness. Your right its good to have some time to yourself and try to enjoy
    moments with other family but its difficult to enjoy anything at the moment . Hope we
    can all become stronger to help us deal with whats to come sending hugs and hope you
    feel bit better at times too. Best wishes xx
     
  19. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,470
    I need medication or something. This life is starting to get me down too and its not dads fault. I am desperately trying to cling on to a bit of work. (I am 61 years old for gods sake) and need to get this years stamp paid as well as try to put some money by for when I have to stop working to look after dad and that is not going to be too far away.

    My life revolves around going to work (evenings only and one full day) and taking dad shopping and to appointments etc this leaves me no time for anything else. My house is a tip. There is a huge pile of ironing waiting and a wash basket full of dirty washing. I am out every night either working or sitting with dad. Holidays are a thing of the past, unless I take dad with me and I am not sure about that.

    To top it all dad told me today that the doctors have made a mistake and he has not got alzheimers at all, just normal forgetfulness for someone of his age and he is perfectly OK as long has he has got me around to take him out and about.

    Days spent walking around the supermarket and garden centre are starting to get me down and I can only cope with so many episodes of Gunsmoke and Bonanza (why the hell are these shows still on TV) before I go round the bend. Thank god I can still go to work.

    I feel like I am in a never ending race but I have to keep going because if I stop I will collapse so I have to keep going.
     
  20. Trapisha

    Trapisha Registered User

    Nov 28, 2017
    135
     

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