Feel Sad Today about Mum's last stage vascular dementia

flower1

Registered User
Apr 12, 2013
124
I have been to visit my Mum this morning at her nursing home, she is in late/severe stage vascular dementia (will be 5 years this May) since diagnosed following a stroke. Firstly I still find it hard to believe that she has been in the Nursing Home 5 years and today I took her some roses for Mothers Day and a card. Today there was nothing there at all, she kept falling asleep, did not know me at all, could not smile as all facial muscles seem to have gone and when eyes were open just kept staring in to space but no focus. I held her hand but nothing back from her and it just seemed a lot worse today than ever before. The carer did tell me though that Mum is still being fed and eating well (no major weight loss), they give her thickened drinks which she does keep coughing still after it. What is confusing is Mum seems to have lost every single ability now except for swallowing when being fed and I just wonder is this the last thing to go and will it be like this for years, so upsetting as I left today feeling so empty and sad for my mum. The carer also said my mum was crying this week. I post on here for feedback in the hope that somebody who has been through or going through this will understand as I do not have that much support x
 
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flower1

Registered User
Apr 12, 2013
124
Just wanted to sympathise, it must be awful to watch this fading away.
Thank you for your reply. It is very hard to see. The sad thing is sometimes I feel that am dealing with it and others days it hits me so hard. They say it's called anticipatory grief? The thing is there seems to be no end to it and don't want to sound cruel but I wish there was a deadline date so my poor mum would not have to suffer anymore. She is not the person who was my lovely mum that has been taken away by this cruel illness x
 

Fastwalker

Registered User
Apr 27, 2010
178
Tyne and Wear
I can only sympathise, my mum went into a home almost five years ago with VD, I remember there was a celebration at the home for St Georges Day. My mum died in November after being in bed most of the time for two years. She was on thickened drinks and didn't know anyone or anything.
I still feel sad.
 

Wendy C

Registered User
Jan 29, 2012
121
West Midlands
Hi flower1. I know exactly what you are going through. Everything you have said, is like my mom at the moment. I went to see her yesterday and there was nothing there at all. She usually smiles at us, but not even that yesterday. It is the saddest thing to have to watch, and so cruel. I think how my mom was compared to now and it breaks my heart. If my mom knew what she was like and what is having to be don't for her, ie double incontinent, she would be devastated. She was such a proud lady, I used to call her Mrs Bouquet, very house proud. Your not on your own, we have to stay strong and look after ourselves, which I know is difficult. Take care. Xxx
 

flower1

Registered User
Apr 12, 2013
124
Hi flower1. I know exactly what you are going through. Everything you have said, is like my mom at the moment. I went to see her yesterday and there was nothing there at all. She usually smiles at us, but not even that yesterday. It is the saddest thing to have to watch, and so cruel. I think how my mom was compared to now and it breaks my heart. If my mom knew what she was like and what is having to be don't for her, ie double incontinent, she would be devastated. She was such a proud lady, I used to call her Mrs Bouquet, very house proud. Your not on your own, we have to stay strong and look after ourselves, which I know is difficult. Take care. Xxx
Hi Wendy C, thank you for your kind reply. I can see by what you wrote we are going through the same. My mum was a proud lady too and yes if she understood would hate it and so would my late father. Yes I agree have to look after ourselves and today I am moving forward by trying to be stronger as there is nothing can be changed, time will play it's part and God will call when ready for mum to join my late dad. I always find that the same day after visiting the nursing home it seems to really affect me all day and evening, that guilt feeling too. Thanks again for taking the time to reply Wendy C really appreciate it and has helped me today. Take care and enjoy the weekend xxx
 

flower1

Registered User
Apr 12, 2013
124
I can only sympathise, my mum went into a home almost five years ago with VD, I remember there was a celebration at the home for St Georges Day. My mum died in November after being in bed most of the time for two years. She was on thickened drinks and didn't know anyone or anything.
I still feel sad.
Hi Fastwalker, many thanks for your kind and helpful reply at what must still be a hard time for you. I wish you strength and peace for the days ahead. Thank you again and take care xx
 

MeganCat

Registered User
Jan 29, 2013
356
South Wales
My mum is increasingly unresponsive and it's so hard. She always used to smile when she saw me and today it was like I was a total stranger. Completely blank. Today she was also quite irritated so the only real reaction I got was annoyance at trying to make her more comfortable etc. hopefully she will be brighter on Tuesday. Getting her to eat is becoming a struggle.

I'm on my own too, and when I say anything friends always try to emphasise the positives, that she's being well looked after, it's good she's nearby, we've had some quality time together over the last year etc.... which is true, and then I feel like I'm a moaning Minnie and so keep my feelings to myself, in a box with a tight lid! If you haven't been here with a loved one robbed of their personaility by dementia I think it's hard to understand. So it's good to get stuff off your chest on here. im sorry I can't offer any advice on your situation but I can empathy, virtual support and an e-hug xxx
 

flower1

Registered User
Apr 12, 2013
124
My mum is increasingly unresponsive and it's so hard. She always used to smile when she saw me and today it was like I was a total stranger. Completely blank. Today she was also quite irritated so the only real reaction I got was annoyance at trying to make her more comfortable etc. hopefully she will be brighter on Tuesday. Getting her to eat is becoming a struggle.

I'm on my own too, and when I say anything friends always try to emphasise the positives, that she's being well looked after, it's good she's nearby, we've had some quality time together over the last year etc.... which is true, and then I feel like I'm a moaning Minnie and so keep my feelings to myself, in a box with a tight lid! If you haven't been here with a loved one robbed of their personaility by dementia I think it's hard to understand. So it's good to get stuff off your chest on here. im sorry I can't offer any advice on your situation but I can empathy, virtual support and an e-hug xxx
Hi Megancat, thank you for taking the time to reply and for your feedback. I agree completely with friends who will emphasise on the positives and bless them try to be supportive but as I always think until they have walked your path it is hard to understand. That's why I do post on here from time to time as you just need to tune in with those who understand what you have to deal with when a loved one has this cruel illness and you never know how long it will go on for. Thanks again, you are very kind and and e-hug back to you. xxx
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
WEST SUSSEX
Flower - Sadly no-one can tell us how long it will go on for. In my husband's case for eleven long months following a hip fracture with almost constant infection until finally his poor body could not cope anymore. Many times I thought "this is it" only to visit the next day and find him sitting up in the chair, washed, dressed and eating and drinking again. It is a hard, long road especially watching someone you love very much. My thoughts are with you. WIFE
 

flower1

Registered User
Apr 12, 2013
124
Flower - Sadly no-one can tell us how long it will go on for. In my husband's case for eleven long months following a hip fracture with almost constant infection until finally his poor body could not cope anymore. Many times I thought "this is it" only to visit the next day and find him sitting up in the chair, washed, dressed and eating and drinking again. It is a hard, long road especially watching someone you love very much. My thoughts are with you. WIFE
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me and I am sorry about your husband and the journey you must have been on too, must have been hard for you. I completely understand about the "this is it" situation as have experienced this before and then all different the next day. You start the rollercoaster of emotion, even preparing yourself then have to switch off from that and you are back to where you were before. Just feel the more it goes on I try to be strong and deal with it but it seems to get more intense, feel more rejection from the visits as my mum fades away even more this is the very hard bit. Feel isolated from the nursing home as it is 12 miles away and feel that nobody really has the time to sit and talk with me as they are either too busy, short staffed or pre-occupied. I am the only family visitor my mum gets, perhaps a couple of other family members at Xmas. Just think out of sight out of mind but one day it could be them? Thank you again and take care x