My Mum passed away in the nursing home. Dad was allowed 30 minutes with her on her final day but I wasn’t allowed to see her. I stood in the car park waiting for Dad to come out and expected him to be heartbroken but he was quite buoyant. I know I am being incredibly selfish but I feel resentful that Dad is telling everyone about that visit with great relish and doesn’t consider that I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye and thank her for everything. Mum’s decline was so rapid when she was isolated from her family. I thought I’d get the chance to see her one last time. I’ve been sorting everything out for the funeral, mostly on my own, I feel so drained and heartbroken. Mum was my best friend. It was always me and her against the world. I’m going to see her in the chapel of rest tomorrow, I’ve asked for the casket to be closed because I’m not brave enough to actually see her. This isn’t how I wanted to say goodbye. I know I sound like a spoilt little girl but I needed to “talk” about my feelings of loss. Dad has always been taken care of by the women in his life, I will continue to do the same as I love him dearly. I just wish he could understand that I’m grieving too and it’s been hard taking care of all the arrangements on my own.
Feel my grief has been cast aside
- Thread starter sunshine1965
- Start date
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending my condolences and wishing you strength.
I don’t think you sound like a spoilt little girl at all. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel as you do. Grief is such a strange thing and it is different for everyone. Your dad is experiencing his own grief and at the moment doesn’t seem to be able to see yours. You are being very strong being there for him and I’m sure as time goes on that you will be a great support for each other.
I don’t think you sound like a spoilt little girl at all. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel as you do. Grief is such a strange thing and it is different for everyone. Your dad is experiencing his own grief and at the moment doesn’t seem to be able to see yours. You are being very strong being there for him and I’m sure as time goes on that you will be a great support for each other.
I had a similar experience when my dad died.
I had to take mum to our GP shortly after he passed away. The doctor was asking my mum how she was, he then turned to me and asked how I was, before I had chance to speak, my mum said ' oh it's alright for her, she can cry'.
I was quite taken aback that she didn't consider that I was grieving too.
I had to take mum to our GP shortly after he passed away. The doctor was asking my mum how she was, he then turned to me and asked how I was, before I had chance to speak, my mum said ' oh it's alright for her, she can cry'.
I was quite taken aback that she didn't consider that I was grieving too.
Hello @sunshine1965 . I'm sorry that you didn't get chance to say the things you wanted to say to your mum and hope that your visit to the chapel of rest gives you some comfort. Someone mentioned this website on the forum recently, which may be of some help to you:
www.cruse.org.uk
Cruse Bereavement Support
Grief can be overwhelming - you don't have to deal with it alone. Cruse Bereavement Support is here. Call our helpline or chat online.
www.cruse.org.uk
Oh my darling, I wish I could give you a hug. I am still lucky enough to have our mum but I live the closest so used to see her pretty much every day and having seen her today her dementia has declined. If you are up for it, I think you should tell your dad how you are feeling. Don't suffer in silence sweet lady and don't let him revert the conversation making it all about him. You are their child, no matter what age you are. I am 51 and still a mummys girl and proud of it. Your feelings matter, you are in pain losing your Mum and probably feeling quite numb and just going through the motions of living. Is there anyone you can talk to and have a good cry with? From what I get from friends, the pain never goes away and your emotions will be like a roller-coaster. Your dad needs to be the parent and comfort you and you never know, it might make him feel good. My prayers are with you xx
Hi @sunshine1965, my condolences on your Mum's passing. It seems wholly unfair that you weren't able to sit with her in her final days and hours. You are not being selfish at all, you had an extremely close relationship to Mum and that loss hits hard. It doesn't matter how old Mum is or even how dementia had changed her that pain is just as acute. Dealing with the funeral arrangements on your own is so draining (I know from experience), I'm not surprised at all that you feel quite alone and distressed. Is there anyone that you can speak to or that you can lean on? It sounds like you need it.
The one thing that I think you should focus on is what you did for Mum (and what she did for you too) when she was alive - that is what really matters and what Mum's memories would have been filled with.
Take care of yourself. Stay strong.
The one thing that I think you should focus on is what you did for Mum (and what she did for you too) when she was alive - that is what really matters and what Mum's memories would have been filled with.
Take care of yourself. Stay strong.
I am so sorry, these are exceptionally hard times to lose anyone. Grief disables us all in the most surprising ways. You dad is perhaps going through a stage that will not last. Mine seemed boynant for a short while until the reality struck. Then it hit really hard. I got the brunt of this, it is tough but I knew it was his grief.
Hold on to the happy memories.
Hold on to the happy memories.
Dear @sunshine1965,
I don't think your spoilt I think you're the best daughter ever. You've done your mum proud.
MaNaAk