Feel my BIG Sister let me DOWN ! ! !

[grove]

Hi,My Dad has Dementia 2/3 yrs approx? and in July i had invited the Altz Support Worker to see me ( Parents had no help only from Drs)As in all these meetings we talked about all Dads probs(and Mums)The main one was his unsafe driving(Mum think hes ok).the S Worker impressed on me to get the driving sorted.Phoned my sis (does not live in same town as us a long way off)after a long chat we agreed she would come to"chat" to Parents to try and get Dad to stop when she was away from work last month.She DID NOT COME for the "chat" !!!.Think possb she knew it was not going to be easy and wonder if she told me what she was going to do just to shut me up !!!To be fair on my sis when she does see them its for happy times eg moving in Lunch at her New Home etc and feels she never had the right time/moment, also she did have to go to work(HeadTeacher)
Has this type of thing happen in other families? Advice please on next step with my sis( not spoken to her since she back at work/dont want row with her.)
Dads driving probs sorted out soon GP going to have a talk with them cos me and my sis are v worried etc.Drs at Dementia Unit have been informed about unsafe driving ready for next Appt !!!.
Thanks for your help ( This is first time have ssked for help from Sis since Dad got Dementia thats whats hurting me) From Grove xx

 

[Jo1958]

Grove, hi
Well there isn't much I can say other than I'm sorry and I hope your sister and you find a way of supporting each other and your parents in the near future because it sounds as if you both want and need that, it is so very difficult changing lifelong patterns of behaviour especially when you are being forced into it by circumstances.
Please take care of yourself, sending you support and a (((Hug))).
Best wishes, Jo

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Grove

My sister took no part in the care of my mother either, which makes it tough. But there`s no point stressing over things which can`t be changed.

Just keep your sister informed of the progression of your dad`s dementia and what you are doing to help your parents. Hopefully your sister will develop a conscience and offer to do her part.

 

[pippin_fort]

Driving issue

I have been through a very similar situation. I had to stop my father driving last year at a time when my mother was in hospital and then respite care. My brother lives in Spain and kept saying that Dad was a good driver and there were no major problems. My mother, who in fact also had dementia also denied any major problems. However, the car had big scratches down the side. He then had a minor accident with an American tourist driving the wrong way round a roundabout. As he was unable to communicate effectively the chap took advantage and blamed the accident on my Dad. What I did was got all the health workers together at a group meeting organised by his mental health worker and then got them to tell him that it was not his driving that was a problem, but his potential reactions due to the problems with his brain and also that because he was unable to speak, people would try and take advantage of him. I also spelt out the potential cost gains of not having to tax the car, the sale of the car funding dozens of taxis etc. Next I set up an account with a local taxi firm and got him to try taking a taxi for a few journeys a week at first. Then eventually I got him to hand over the car keys. I then removed the car, got it repaired and sold it.The initial stage took perhaps 4 weeks in total to achieve, but he quickly adapted. You can do it on your own.Keep going, you are doing the right thing. If your sister reacts as she has done so far, get ready to face the problems alone as I am

 

[griff]

Hi

I have had no help from my brother since I moved mum to be nearer to both of us. In fact my brother has not visited or spoken to mum for about 5 months. I just deal with things myself now and have to accept that he will play no part in assisting. Its my poor mum I feel sorry for . Hope your sister comes round, good luck xx

 

[Paulineanne]

I have had no help from my sister - she lives about 20 mins drive from mum.
I have often had rows with her about her lack of support. I have been worn out and on my knees and she has telephoned to say she is in the garden having a bottle of wine and reading a book..... What can you do.. It is difficult!

I decided to give up working full time as caring for mum became far too much - Now I just get on with things.
I do not give my sister updates about mum as that became emotionally draining - if she is interested she will have to get in her car and make a visit. Harsh but that is how I feel now!
Good luck.

 

[Linda60]

Hi
I also found my brother not helpful about Mum , he is better now that he has accepted there is a problem. He deals with paperwork and finances and I do the caring!
Mum was also a problem driving and refused to stop when we went together to ask her. I then wrote to DVLA stating my concerns and asked for them to reassess her. They wrote to her and her GP who called her in and after a simple assessment told her to give up driving and her licence was cancelled. Mum then announced to all around " I've never liked driving anyway!"
Hope this helps- they did not refer to me at all.
Linda

 

[juliamary]

Would it help to ask your sister why she does not get involved, by letter if you are not able to be calm. Are there underlying resentments to you or your parents?If she has the opportunity to say why it may help you accept the situation and find help elsewhere. Easiar in the long run than the added stress.My husband has dementia and his two brothers have not seen Him in years, they just cant face sick people, too scared of facing it I have discovered.Im sorry for your situation and wish you well. Julia xxxxxx

 

[angelicawild]

Dear Grove,

My sympathies re your sister. My brother and sister in law suggested we move my dad into a home near them so the family (them, their son and daughter, 2 grand children) could visit more often.
So my Dad moved from Sussex to Hampshire, 10 mins drive from them, and my brother can barely manage a half hour visit once a month. Sis-in-law marginally better. Rest of family - Christmas!
After everything my parents did for them it makes my blood boil!! BUT nothing is going to change so we just have to get on with it, you and I. Good luck and keep positive.

Angie xx