Feel like a very bad daughter

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by snaggles3, Dec 18, 2015.

  1. snaggles3

    snaggles3 Registered User

    Dec 18, 2015
    tampa, florida
    My mom has had demensia for 8 years now. She is currently in the hospital and my heart is breaking in so many places and there is no one to say I'm sorry to because she does not understand. Holding a full time job and then attending to her every minute of my free time, left me aggravated and drained. She would follow me everywhere, never give me any space and demand my presence at her beckoning call. I have told her I hate her, told her I was going to have her moved out, sworn at her...you name it. I realize now, that I was angry at this "thing" that engulfed my mother and I wanted her back. Now that she is dying, my guilt is overwhelming and I would give anything for her to follow me around again. I can never forgive myself for the awful things I've said over the years, but at the same time thank God, she doesn't remember. I love my Mom dearly. What a cruel and horrible disease. Worst part? No one in the free world offers any help, and trust me.....I've called them all
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Are you in the USA? I ask because you say you had no help. It is not easy to get anywhere but there is a system to follow in the UK which should lead to some practical and financial help. Let us know where you are.

    Wherever that is we know how hard it is to live with the guilt of dementia but we also know it would try the patience of a saint. I'm no saint and we shouldn't try to be.
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Hi snaggles3
    tell me, would a bad daughter have stood by her mother for 8 years?
    would a bad daughter have attended to her mother every spare moment?
    would a bad daughter feel remotely guilty at a few lapses in behaviour?
    would a bad daughter be still at her mother's side?
    I think that conclusively proves what a wonderful daughter you are

    forgive yourself for your lapses - I'm certain your mother would forgive you in less than a blink of an eye
    maybe even tell her you're sorry, it won't hurt her and will do you good to know it was said

    I'm sorry you and your mother have been through so much with so little help
    do keep posting here - there's always a listening ear, sympathy and some comfort being in contact with others walking a similar path

    best wishes to you both
  4. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    Hi snaggles3, just want to give you a warm welcome to Talking Point and a hug:) please be kind to yourself and put that guilt monster in a cupboard and lock the door, you love your mom but the challenges that dementia brings to all of us that are carers and who care are so unpredictable especially when the ones we love seem to be different people and we become different as well, may you think more of the good times rather then the bad and know deep in your heart you have always done your best for her and she knows that.
    Chris x
  5. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent

    Hello Snaggles. Welcome to TP , I am glad you found us.
    You are not alone , many of us on here me included have lost our cool and shouted things we wish we hadn't ,often as soon as it had left our mouths .

    The lack of help , the fights we endure to try and get the help and equipment needed and the unhelpful suggestions of professionals who you'd think would know and understand at least a little... All serve to wear us down
    Because we are merely human and not saints, we eventually crack under the strain.

    Try to forgive yourself
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    Your post brought tears to my eyes, Snaggles. Forgive yourself, as your mother would forgive you.

    I would absolutely hate for either of my daughters to be so consumed with guilt as you are, when no-one could have done more. You are a wonderful daughter and a perfectly normal human being who is struggling to cope.

    Big hugs.
  7. Candlelight 67

    Candlelight 67 Registered User

    Nov 4, 2013
    West Sussex
    Many of us feel like bad daughters. I have snapped and shouted at my Mother too.

    I am sure your mother does not think you are a bad daughter. As Shedrech said you have been with your mother all the way through. We are not given Manuals on how to cope with someone with alz.

    Do keep posting if it helps
  8. balloo

    balloo Registered User

    Sep 21, 2013
    sorry to say I am in uk and we get no help only attendence allowance which pays for incontence pants as the services only pays for pads not the pants and no I am not getting them for my MIL also we need a sensor to let us know when she gets out of bed , OT got back to me saying its £6 a week to high I don't think so when I can buy one for £60 .I feel like you some times and have also got angrey with my MIL as she spread (
  9. Stresshead

    Stresshead Registered User

    Sep 13, 2014
    Hi Snaggles3 try not to beat yourself up you have done everything you can for your mum and we all know how hard it can be.

    I think we'd all be lying if we said that at one point or another we hadn't lost our cool and said things that we didn't mean. I know I have and I also know what the guilt is like.

    What you need to remember though is that you didn't walk away. You stayed and did your best. You love your mum and she loves you and wouldn't want you to feel this way.

    Try and shake off the guilt, be there for your mum in hospital, say what you need to say (even if you think she can't understand) and give her the love that she needs right now.

    Sending strength and a massive hug xx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  10. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    One blessing of dementia (if there can ever be said to be such a thing) is that loss of short term memory means the sufferer will quickly forget most things. So it's highly unlikely that your mum will ever have remembered for any length of time anything you said while under so much strain.
    I'm sure your old mum, the pre-dementia one, would understand how hard it was for you, and would appreciate all you have done for her, and she would not want you to feel so bad.
  11. Martin099

    Martin099 Registered User

    Nov 13, 2012
    Dear Snaggles3,
    You've looked after your mother for 8 years and that speaks volumes. Your anger came out only because of the disease that has engulfed your mother and that is completely understandable. If your mum knew how much you loved her and how you have tried so hard to look after her then she would thank you from the bottom of her heart. Guilt is something we all feel in these situations, but be kind to yourself - we only have so much emotional energy and you must save that now for helping your dear mum. Keep up the good work - your mum would be very proud of you. Martin x
  12. smartieplum

    smartieplum Registered User

    Jul 29, 2014
    You are a terrific daughter. Cut yourself a bit of slack. I had a bit of a tizz with mum this evening and feel bad but I'm tired and a bit scunnered but will get over it.

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