Hello, I'm new to the forum and feeling guilty.
We started being concerned about my mum about 4-5 years ago. 3 1/2 years ago begged her to go to the GP, and after she held out for 6 months, wrote to the GP outlining our concerns ... She was furious at what she saw as a betrayal, and was cool & withdrawn with me for at least a year. Over the next 2 years I didn't realise she was gradually withdrawing from others as well, as her communication skills declined. It was only when I stayed with my parents for a week last year after the first lockdown and saw their nighttime life that I cottoned on how bad things had got, and how much both Mum and Dad were masking to me and my sister.
Mum started ringing me after Christmas and saying things like "I'd really like it if you could visit so we could get to know one another" and "I've only just realised that I've been married to your Dad for the past ten years, I can only think it must be because my mother didn't tell me" [They've been married for 55 years and her mother died nearly forty years ago]. Despite the guilt, I was alarmed enough to ring her GP and trigger an appointment, and since he referred her to the Memory Clinic, I've been silently stagemanaging behind the scenes, confirming an appointment, and taking her there on Friday despite her saying she didn't want to go and didn't understand why she had to. The consultant gave us a diagnosis of moderate dementia with an assessment score of 45/100 [ACE-III?]. Mum didn't accept the diagnosis and was/is devastated both by the d-word and by the consultant telling her she mustn't drive any more.
My head knows that we couldn't have gone on without more help. Mum follows Dad everywhere, he can't even get ten minutes' peace to shave unless there's someone else there. I get calls during work hours with my parents at the end of their tether with each other, things have gone missing, they can't work the computer or the phone, Dad can't cope with Mum asking to go outside four times a day to check where the car is - etc. They live five hours away so it's impossible to pop by. I make regular long-weekend visits by train with time off work. Dad isn't in great health and the stress has been exhausting for him - I can see his relief that we now have a diagnosis, even though we both feel guilty, and very sad for Mum. Every time I make an intervention, I try to reassure Mum it's about supporting her to keep her independence. But I feel so duplicitous - I let Mum forget the appointment existed, walked her in there without her having an understanding of what was going on, and I know that if I'd really told her what it was about and allowed her to make the decision herself, she would never have put herself through this.
I do have an LPA H&W, so my head knows that the old Mum wanted me to be able to make the right decision for her ... I just see the frightened and tearful Mum who doesn't want to know this is happening to her just like it happened to her mother and grandmother.
We started being concerned about my mum about 4-5 years ago. 3 1/2 years ago begged her to go to the GP, and after she held out for 6 months, wrote to the GP outlining our concerns ... She was furious at what she saw as a betrayal, and was cool & withdrawn with me for at least a year. Over the next 2 years I didn't realise she was gradually withdrawing from others as well, as her communication skills declined. It was only when I stayed with my parents for a week last year after the first lockdown and saw their nighttime life that I cottoned on how bad things had got, and how much both Mum and Dad were masking to me and my sister.
Mum started ringing me after Christmas and saying things like "I'd really like it if you could visit so we could get to know one another" and "I've only just realised that I've been married to your Dad for the past ten years, I can only think it must be because my mother didn't tell me" [They've been married for 55 years and her mother died nearly forty years ago]. Despite the guilt, I was alarmed enough to ring her GP and trigger an appointment, and since he referred her to the Memory Clinic, I've been silently stagemanaging behind the scenes, confirming an appointment, and taking her there on Friday despite her saying she didn't want to go and didn't understand why she had to. The consultant gave us a diagnosis of moderate dementia with an assessment score of 45/100 [ACE-III?]. Mum didn't accept the diagnosis and was/is devastated both by the d-word and by the consultant telling her she mustn't drive any more.
My head knows that we couldn't have gone on without more help. Mum follows Dad everywhere, he can't even get ten minutes' peace to shave unless there's someone else there. I get calls during work hours with my parents at the end of their tether with each other, things have gone missing, they can't work the computer or the phone, Dad can't cope with Mum asking to go outside four times a day to check where the car is - etc. They live five hours away so it's impossible to pop by. I make regular long-weekend visits by train with time off work. Dad isn't in great health and the stress has been exhausting for him - I can see his relief that we now have a diagnosis, even though we both feel guilty, and very sad for Mum. Every time I make an intervention, I try to reassure Mum it's about supporting her to keep her independence. But I feel so duplicitous - I let Mum forget the appointment existed, walked her in there without her having an understanding of what was going on, and I know that if I'd really told her what it was about and allowed her to make the decision herself, she would never have put herself through this.
I do have an LPA H&W, so my head knows that the old Mum wanted me to be able to make the right decision for her ... I just see the frightened and tearful Mum who doesn't want to know this is happening to her just like it happened to her mother and grandmother.
