Feel Depressed - It All gets too much

[snoggy1one]

I am really fed up and completely cheesed off that I can never switch off and relax and and can't sleep, hence, I am typing this in the middle of the night.

I am torn in two all the time trying to juggle family commitments, work and visiting mum in the care home. I am trying to take some ME time out and feel so guilty because mum depends on me so much for companionship. However, she is becoming really hard to visit and is continually packing up all her belongings, hiding things, losing things, and tidying everything away and accusing me of all sorts.

Mum is completely anti social and freezes everyone out other than me. Yet when I visit her she insults me, accuses me of never visiting etc and her memory is virtually non existent. When I go to the loo using her en suite bathroom, she leaves the bedroom and forgets I am in the adjoining room. She insults people when I take her on outings, and calls the staff and residents rotten. Everything is a problem from the meals, to the residents, to the staff etc.. nothing is ever good enough or right and I am becoming a punch bag for her to vent out her frustrations verbally on every visit.

I am fed up of the problems I have to face day in and out, week in and out. Mum regularly refuses showers, having her feet attended to, and is getting smelly and awkward. She hates her room, her care home and everything, and continually packs up wanting to leave. This has been a regular pattern for ages now but I am getting so fed up of the problems. She won't let me unpack her stuff again and it becomes a battle.

Mum is in denial of everything and refuses to wear incontinence pads and gets aggressive when I suggest it, so we have occasional toilet accidents when I do take her out and its like taking a newly potty trained child out, I am on edge all the time trying to find disabled toilets. Mum won't wear hearing her hearing aids and thinks she can hear okay, and although her mobility is quite bad, she won't go in a wheelchair so I am always stressed out trying to help her walk about safely without falling. Nothing is easy, and mum seems to make things twice as bad by not cooperating with things.

I know I am moaning, but, sometimes it all gets too much and I feel I have too much to cope with emotionally... I have just had enough and needed to let off some steam.

Thanks for any advice and for letting me off load. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Raggedrobin]

Tonight I haven't any advice to offer, just wanted to say, I know, I understand. I am in the wide awake club too as I can't sleep for worrying about my mum. Xx

 

[jaymor]

It really is getting too much and maybe time to stop taking her out. If there is a treat for her whilst you are out such as coffee and cake then take that in to your Mum.

Nothing in your Mum's behaviour is likely to change so as hard as it might be to do you have to change.

When the nastiness starts, like with a toddler, you say it is not acceptable and walk away. If she is not happy when you are there then there is no point you being there and taking the abuse and being unhappy and stressed. If you visit every day start missing a couple of days a week, those are your days. If dropping days is not for you then shorten your visits. Your Mum will not notice. You may even see a difference if she realises that she is missing out because of her behaviour. Dementia is the cause and you can't change that so try walking away when things get too difficult.

Her care is the responsibility of the care home. Showering/bathing is a problem with lots of sufferers but with constant coaxing even the most awkward will shower. My husband is in a nursing home for challenging behaviour and all of them are clean and tidy.

Your Mum is safe and cared for. She is not happy but you can't change that. In time as the disease progresses she will change but for now you have to make the changes so you are dealing with it better.

Unfortunately worrying never makes things better, it just makes you feel worse.

I hope you can start to feel better soon and make some changes that will benefit you.

Take care,

Jay

 

[Zsazsa]

I am really fed up and completely cheesed off that I can never switch off and relax and and can't sleep, hence, I am typing this in the middle of the night.

I am torn in two all the time trying to juggle family commitments, work and visiting mum in the care home. I am trying to take some ME time out and feel so guilty because mum depends on me so much for companionship. However, she is becoming really hard to visit and is continually packing up all her belongings, hiding things, losing things, and tidying everything away and accusing me of all sorts.

Mum is completely anti social and freezes everyone out other than me. Yet when I visit her she insults me, accuses me of never visiting etc and her memory is virtually non existent. When I go to the loo using her en suite bathroom, she leaves the bedroom and forgets I am in the adjoining room. She insults people when I take her on outings, and calls the staff and residents rotten. Everything is a problem from the meals, to the residents, to the staff etc.. nothing is ever good enough or right and I am becoming a punch bag for her to vent out her frustrations verbally on every visit.

I am fed up of the problems I have to face day in and out, week in and out. Mum regularly refuses showers, having her feet attended to, and is getting smelly and awkward. She hates her room, her care home and everything, and continually packs up wanting to leave. This has been a regular pattern for ages now but I am getting so fed up of the problems. She won't let me unpack her stuff again and it becomes a battle.

Mum is in denial of everything and refuses to wear incontinence pads and gets aggressive when I suggest it, so we have occasional toilet accidents when I do take her out and its like taking a newly potty trained child out, I am on edge all the time trying to find disabled toilets. Mum won't wear hearing her hearing aids and thinks she can hear okay, and although her mobility is quite bad, she won't go in a wheelchair so I am always stressed out trying to help her walk about safely without falling. Nothing is easy, and mum seems to make things twice as bad by not cooperating with things.

I know I am moaning, but, sometimes it all gets too much and I feel I have too much to cope with emotionally... I have just had enough and needed to let off some steam.

Thanks for any advice and for letting me off load. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I really feel for you...you are trying to do everything possible for your mum and it must be so frustrating and upsetting when the disease gets in the way. I agree with Jaymor: it's time to step back a little and look after yourself. If you give yourself a bit of respite from visiting mum you'll feel more able to cope with her remarks and behaviours when you visit.
Do start to think of yourself a little. Sending you a big hug.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

I agree with Jaymor too about not taking your mother out into situations which she will not anyway enjoy and will be hell for you, so really there is no point to this. Also if she is that frail and fell and broke something you would feel awful.

Keep your visits short and sweet and don't prolong the agony. If she is safe and cared for this is all you can wish for. I understand how you feel though it is hell

 

[Pete R]

I do not think you are moaning at all and I hope you feel better for typing it out.

I agree with Jaymor,

Stop going for a while and take some time out. It is really, really, really (and lots more) hard to do at first and you will feel blooming guilty. It doesn't mean you love your mother any less. That guilt will begin to wear off and hopefully you will, like I did find some inner peace and be able to sleep at night to recharge yourself in time for the next visit.

At first I used to do a little bit of gardening at the times I should have been visiting. Whilst in my head I was beating myself up for not being there I felt better for helping something to grow rather than watching someone fade away.

It was also an easy way to explain away my damp and sore eyes by blaming the hay fever

Good luck

 

[jeany123]

Snoggyfone it must be awful for you, you have done a lot more than I would be able to do if it were one of my parents, why don't you cut back visits to once a week and see if things improve then at least you will have some sort of life back,
All the problems that she is having should be sorted by the CH and should not be your worry any more, you have done more than your fair share of worrying,

 

[Owly]

Being an emotional punchbag for Mum is a 'programme' that has to be broken. It's part of the Drama triangle - Mum is being persecutor and she is seeing you as Rescuer from her situation.

http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

If you turn up too often, then your Mum will hold on to the hope that if she complains enough, she will eventually be 'out of there'. You are continually reminding her that there is a life outside that she used to belong to.

Not visiting would make it easier for Mum to accept that she's in there, and start to get her companionship from the other people and the carers.

Have you asked the carers what she is like when you're not there? Does she socialise or look contented at all, and only switch into nasty mode when you arrive? The solution is obviously not to arrive.

I read a good phrase the other day - "remember to include yourself in the circle of your love". It's true. Give yourself some love, and that includes removing yourself from people who abuse you, even though it's your Mum and even though it's because of dementia.

I agree with all the comments about visiting less often, or limiting your visits to the point that Mum begins to get abusive and then saying something like "I'll come back another day when you're in a happier mood". Even people with dementia can choose how they behave and can even put on different faces for different people. You can try to 're-programme' her.

 

[Allypally52]

I just read this before turning off my laptop and setting off for my weekly stay with dad and just wanted to send you a hug. I'm on this horrid journey too and although for me it's not nearly so bad yet, I can see signs of all the things you describe with dad and yes, it really does help to know others understand and are rooting for you. You've asked for help and support but in fact you have now indirectly helped me No advice other than saying thank you for being vulnerable on here and through that helping people like me who are scared of how we will cope as this disease progresses by demonstrating that others understand because they are in it too!
Many many years ago when I had my first baby I was up lots in the night with him and I had a picture of a town in the pitch black night, all the buildings black but here and there were little rectangles of yellow denoting that lights were on, people were awake like me, even though most people were fast asleep. In those long hours when i was so desperate for rest I would look at the picture and tell myself that I wasn't alone, that others were awake even in the pitch black darkness and it comforted me. TP and its members seem to me to be like that - lights in the darkest of nights that comfort and tell us we're not alone.
Another hug coming your way
love Alisonx

 

[Pickles53]

Being an emotional punchbag for Mum is a 'programme' that has to be broken. It's part of the Drama triangle - Mum is being persecutor and she is seeing you as Rescuer from her situation.

http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

If you turn up too often, then your Mum will hold on to the hope that if she complains enough, she will eventually be 'out of there'. You are continually reminding her that there is a life outside that she used to belong to.

Not visiting would make it easier for Mum to accept that she's in there, and start to get her companionship from the other people and the carers.

Have you asked the carers what she is like when you're not there? Does she socialise or look contented at all, and only switch into nasty mode when you arrive? The solution is obviously not to arrive.

I read a good phrase the other day - "remember to include yourself in the circle of your love". It's true. Give yourself some love, and that includes removing yourself from people who abuse you, even though it's your Mum and even though it's because of dementia.

I agree with all the comments about visiting less often, or limiting your visits to the point that Mum begins to get abusive and then saying something like "I'll come back another day when you're in a happier mood". Even people with dementia can choose how they behave and can even put on different faces for different people. You can try to 're-programme' her.

Only thanks for posting this link. It's not a quick or easy read but it has given me a lot of food for thought. My mum is not abusive but seems to want to spend all the time I'm with her telling me how miserable she is. It's increasingly hard to divert her thoughts to anything else and I end up feeling responsible for making her unhappy. Actually it's the impact of dementia that's doing that.

 

[Tin]

Dear pickles53, your words my feelings and experience to a T. I seem to be forever listening to my mum about how unhappy she is and wants to go home. The only thing that keeps me on track is knowing that without my 24/7care, mum, would have 1. poisoned herself, 2. had a very bad fall, 3. set fire to her home, 4. gone without food for much longer. Alienated her neighbours and friends and utility bills now very high would have hit £3,000 just through the winter. She refused all and any outside care, she sometimes refused to let my sister in, She was spiralling down very quickly to a life of loneliness and serious self harm and neglect. I'm not down or depressed, just a bit exhausted. This whole experience has turned my life upside down and inside out, but I know mum is as safe and as comfortable as I can make her, when shes feeling low it is the dementia not me!

 

[geo]

Feeling your pain. My mum is a very unhappy lady 2 and it all lands on me so I truly know how u feel. I work full time and when I get home my mum has filled my answer phone with tearfully calls all just about 5 mins apart. It breaks my heart listening to her sadness and frustration. Sometimes the juggling of life gets 2 much but thank God we have this TP it sure has been a life saver for me. Love 2 all xx geo girl

 

[Pickles53]

A little bit of hope yesterday afternoon when we visited mum. We were able to take her into the garden area at the home she is temporarily staying in and had a more normal conversation with less moaning. However when we took her back into the dining room for tea it was straight back into grumbling mode, 'don't want these rubbish sandwiches' etc.

We wondered if it was because we were in a private place where she wasn't seeing the other residents she had forgotten that she was in a care home until reminded when we went back in.

Next Wednesday comes the big move to what we hope will be her permanent care home near us. Not looking forward to the 2-hour taxi ride by wheelchair accessible taxi as she will never have travelled that way before, but no choice as she still can't get in/out of a normal car. I'm sure I will cope better when I'm not trying to do everything at arm's length and when I can pop in more often to see her, can only hope she will cope better too.