I lost my mother in March. Things had started to settle after a very difficult 2-3 years battling on in the community before I managed to get Mum into a very good care hone close to us and everything Mum knew. Despite these difficulties she was settling in, going out with staff lots and we all were starting to have a better quality of life. Then Mum has an unwitnessed fall and broke her hip which was operated on. 3 weeks later back at the home and a pulmonary thrombosis took her. I managed to get there in time however witnessed a prolonged attempt at CPR which was horrific to witness and see her last heartbeats on the monitor. For my mum I was glad I was there to hold her hand at the end even though she may not have known. For me it stays with me constantly, but I would not take away this however difficult it’s been. For my other family they were not consistent when at home and some only better when placed so didn’t take the battle on as I did with mum. Didn’t stop the financial queries after the event though. I returned to work after about 4 months having previously taken 6 months off sick the year before looking after her when at her chaotic worst (or spirited best)! My job is in healthcare (funding etc) and I found myself reviewing care home placements for people at high falls risk! I didn’t feel able to say no as they have tolerated my absence yet it was like re living a personal nightmare day in and day out. When the house sale went through and the inquest was postponed it hit me again like a sledgehammer and I’ve been signed off again. I hadn’t expected the intensity of my feelings. I have found myself in a dark place despite a beautiful supportive family, financially ok but with a job that complicates everything but has been a career for 20 ish years. How stupid. Most people would be envious but it’s hard to find the positive Trapped, stressed and overwhelmed by the smallest of things that is all so irrational. Did bereavement counselling which was gentle and nice but didn’t leave me clear minded (sorry). Mates and family are good but they must be sick of me as I am. Where and what to do next I truly don’t know!!!