1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    My wonderful father passed away peacefully last night with my husband and I by his side. We were very close and I loved him dearly. Grateful I was there with him, able to say everything in my heart and say goodbye. But I feel absolutely numb and I'm terrified how I'm feeling and what is to come.

    Nothing feels normal or right. I'm 8.5 months pregnant. I don't know what to do with myself. TV, reading, searching the Internet- doesn't seem right to do.

    He died on my late mothers birthday and I stopped believing in anything a few years ago but I do feel some happiness that she may have been to collect him and ease his suffering.

    What a truly wonderful father.


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    I honestly think that "numb" is the normal reaction to a death, at least one that isn't entirely unexpected. I think it's the body and mind's way of giving you the space to do everything you need to do after someone you love dies. The feeling will come, probably when you least expect it and quite possibly over something minor. In my case it was my mother's books. Fine, fine, fine, and then floods of tears over books which while they meant a lot to her, didn't at the time have much meaning for me.

    I'm very sorry for your loss.
     
  3. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    Thank you Jenniferpa x


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  4. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    5,643
    Hampshire
    #4 CeliaW, Aug 16, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2015
    So sorry to read your news, my condolences.

    You will go through a wide range of emotions through the coming weeks and sometimes they will change for no reason. As Jennifer says, I think it seems as though the numbness is the brains way of protecting you so that you can sort all the immediate practicalities that have to be done. However, please keep in mind there is no right or wrong way to grieve, no rulebook, no set timescale. It's one of those things where, if you can let it happen, go with the flow and accept it is OK to grieve and feel a range of emotions from numbness to anger that your beloved Dad has left you.

    Please be kind to yourself, even if you don't feel like it make sure you eat and drink as well as possible as you need your strength. In addition to the practicalities, you have your forthcoming baby to think of.

    I am glad you have the comfort of knowing your father's passing was peaceful and you were with him.
    Take care xx
     
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    I think Celia is so right about this

    Don't let anyone tell (or even imply) that there is a right or wrong way to do this. Acceptance of the situation is probably the only way. Sometimes you'll feel incredibly sad, sometimes you won't. Neither path is wrong.
     
  6. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,938
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm so sorry to read of your loss. I'm glad you were there with your father when he passed. Wishing you strength.
     
  7. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    There is no right or wrong way to feel. When I got the phone call from mum's care home to say she had died in her sleep what I felt first was a mixture of stunned and relieved that her suffering was over. You will honour your mum's memory in your own way. Sending my deepest sympathy to you and wishing you the best when your new baby arrives.
     
  8. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    Oh I'm so sorry to hear your news, you must be all over the place with your emotions :(

    Numb is ok. Crying is ok. Getting angry with him is ok. How ever you grieve is ok. It's your grief your way, for a wonderful man.

    There will come a time when it's less.... painful, numbing..... can't think of the right word..... I don't think there are words for your own grief..... And the happier memories will be there, and the awful ones won't be so painful, numbing....

    I know what it's like to loose a much loved dad. The thoughts were so painful, sometimes it was best for me to be just numb. Don't be surprised at your reaction, when the numbness thaws... It's normal.

    Huge hugs. xxxxxx




    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  9. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Oh sweetie, I am so sorry to read your sad news. It's amazing that it would have been your Mum's birthday and comforting to think that they are together. With only a few weeks to go until your new baby arrives, your mind would be in a turmoil anyway, and it's not surprising that you're feeling numb.

    Your lovely Mum and Dad will be watching over you, welcoming the new life into the world, and rejoicing with you. I wish you strength for the difficult weeks ahead. xxx
     
  10. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    839
    Fife Scotland
    sorry to hear of your loss, my condolences, just one thing, you will have a new life in a few weeks to help erase the pain. huggs
     
  11. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    So very sorry for your loss, your dear father is now at peace.

    Please try to rest and look after yourself as you get ready for the arrival of his little grandchild. Take care.
     
  12. Grandma Joan

    Grandma Joan Registered User

    Mar 29, 2013
    276
    Wiltshire
    Numb is an excellent way to describe the initial days after losing a loved one. I adored my Pa just like you did yours. My heart broke and it took me many months to come to terms with his passing. When people were trying to be kind and said it was a "happy release", even though his dementia had changed him so much, there was nothing happy about it to me. I had lost my adorable Dad and it was hurting so much inside.

    I am so sorry for your loss and I know the feelings you have at the moment are raw and really hurt.

    I can only say that you will in time begin to accept your loss & talk about your Dad without it being so upsetting.

    Find a few friends/relatives who really understand you and can give you comfort at this difficult time.

    And good luck with your new little one! I'm sure your Dad would want you to be focusing on this new life. Take care xx
     
  13. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,962
    Brixham Devon
    I'm so sorry to read your news but glad to know that your dear Dad has been reunited with your Mum. When my OH passed I veered from numbness, a sense of disbelief and a terrible restlessness-I didn't really start to grieve until after the funeral. You will feel what your body and heart will allow.

    Please take care of yourself and the little baby who is about to enter this world.

    Love

    Lyn T XX
     
  14. elaina

    elaina Registered User

    Aug 10, 2015
    41
    Somerset
    I agree there is no right or wrong way to react. At the moment, I am very tearful and sad but not as bad as last week when my dear dad was still struggling and clinging to life. My mother, on the other hand, just keeps saying she feels numb. She seems a bit agitated and stressed and I suspect she might find my weeping a bit of a pain. I don't know but I think things could change at the funeral.
    Such a difficult time.
    x
     
  15. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    I feel relief and numbness. I know planning the funeral will be hard and I think visiting him in the chapel of rest will be hard.

    Thanks for your support. Sending love and support to those who need it.


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  16. CCM2013

    CCM2013 Registered User

    Feb 7, 2013
    32
    London
    Oh I do feel for you - I lost dad just over 3 months ago. I miss him dreadfully. I often wonder how much longer I will feel this desperate ache to cuddle him feel his strong arms around me. Wishing you much strength over the coming weeks. X


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  17. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    CCM2013 I also miss the strength of my dad, his big bear hugs.

    I haven't had one of those for well over a year.

    Thinking of you x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  18. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    So sorry that you lost your Dad. Please be kind to yourself and try to remember him smiling. Im glad that you can take comfort from your Mum and Dad being together again.
     

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