1. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    West Yorkshire
    I don't often feel like this, my husband is in the early stages of AD. I have noticed recently that he is getting a little confused now with everyday tasks, I am still trying to come to terms with the actions of my once intelligent husband. He gets annoyed and angry with me if I question him but sometimes I am a bit quick to snap at him and then I feel terrible.

    No one other than myself and my daughter have seen this side of him.

    He only seems happy when we are spending money on items he wants but in most cases, can no longer use, for instance we have bought three mobile phones recently and he says they don't work, there is nothing wrong with them but he doesn't understand how to use them.

    He doesn't like me spending any time away from him, like catching up with friends, I have finished work and thought we would have a lovely retirement. He is now very cold towards me and appears to have no affection at all for me.

    I think what I am trying to say is that he is like this with me but can appear 'normal' to neighbours and doctors etc., I often wonder if he is angry because he has got AD, does he know what he is like with me or is it the disease that is making him like this?

    Sorry for the moan,

  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi Dee, I could have written your post, word for word, a while ago.

    Only I saw the change.
    Only I saw the confusion.
    Only I saw the frustration.
    Only I saw the anger.
    Only I saw the inability to manage a mobile phone.
    Only I felt the distance and detatchment.

    So much of this behaviour was brought on by fear. Fear of the condition, fear of the symptoms and fear for the future.
    Then there was fighting against it, fighting to maintain independence, accusations, and arguements.
    This resulted in loss of confidence and self esteem, and so loss of social skills.

    Now, further down the line, has come a degree of acceptance. There is still some anger, but not as much. The social skills are lost as is the confidence. There are inappropriate behaviours to contend with, and a lot of upset, but the warmth has returned and so has the closeness.

    It`s a long, hard journey.

    Take care
  3. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I felt like my mother was suffocating me isolating me in wanting to be with me all the time , I could never believe it was the disease making her like that , I only know now from my own experiences and reading up , on AZ past 5 years and reading post on TP and the USA AZ forum for the last year , that it is really is the disease that made her that way .

    They are losing control over them self and are fighting it and not relishing how it hurts us along the way.
  4. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    West Yorkshire
    Thank you Nada for the link to Grannie G's thread, it was very interesting.

    I have stated in an earlier thread that Grannie G has experienced what I am now going through, in fact this morning I searched to see if there was anything on the forum from her.

    I do feel guilty after the event, it's only after I have thought about it that I realise he probably wouldn't have said and done these things a couple of years ago.

    I think at the moment he doesn't need any outside help but it is me who has to accept that these changes are here to stay.

  5. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    West Yorkshire
    Thank you Sylvia,

    You have written what I wanted to say yet again, most of the advice I read is about people who are further down the line with this illness.

    My husband is always telling me that I am the one who is wrong, who never tells him anything and doesn't think about him, he hasn't been the perfect husband in our 22 years of marriage, my family were against the marriage but I thought I could see a man who would care about me and my two children, he did to a certain extent, my children put up with him for my sake although my daughter is very caring and helpful now.

    I have stood by him, loved and cared for him but lately I feel as if I have supported this man for all these years and now I am really being tested!

  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Dee

    It's hard, isn't it? I'm finding myself increasingly stressed just now. My husband was such a kind, caring man, and now is increasingly obstructive and argumentative. Factor in that his speech is very limited, so arguments are at best circular, and it becomes very hard to remain patient.

    And I hate myself for being cross with him. I owe him so much, I love him so much, but I didn't reckon on this.

    All we can do is do our best. TP is a lifeline, I don't know what I'd do without it. Just keep on keeping on, and keep in touch. We're all in this together.

  7. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    hope i expressed myself ok, for you

    I saw your post and want to reply but I have thought for a few hours how to express myself. It's hard when you feel that the one you are careing for does not appreciate your efforts. My wife was young (52, now 58) when confirmed with AD. She knows what will happen as her mother had it.
    Upto about a year ago she kept saying she loved me and appreciates what I do and that in years to come she will not be able to say these things so she is telling now.
    She now occassionaly tells me she loves me, and I know that any anger or difficulties that happen are the illness "speaking" and not my lovely wife. We had our ups and downs in the past, but now, well we take each day as it comes. She was angry at me the other day because she could not remember something so I was "throwing" suggestions for her. Finally she said that "I should seriously see someone (about my memory). I had a quiet chuckle.
    Stay with this site, it is useful for letting off steam, gathering information, and realising that there are some worse of than yourself (for me anyway). The other night I was downstairs, on my own pacing about crying my eyes out. I jumped on here after 4 months, and hardly able to see what I was typing, just wrote how I felt. It did not matter if no one saw or replied, I just expressed myself a little.
    What I'm saying is that your husband loved you enough to marry you in the past, but now it is the illness that talks. I have tried to imagine what it is like for my wife not knowing that we are in our own home (17 years) she asks when are we going home, where the cups are kept in the kitchen, when it is her birthday let alone mine. The fear and knowing she has would make anyone angry.
    Moan away Dee (with your daughters) if you like.
    ps i hate having to think of a title
  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Thank you cris. You don't have to put a title, unless you start a new thread - I never bother, cos I don't like it either.
    Love Helen
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Cris,

    First of all, you do not have to put in a title, if you are replying to a thread. You only need a title to start a new thread.

    Thank you for your thoughtful response. It`s only by sharing, we can get through this.

    When we are rejected or `blanked` after years of being together, it`s so hard to remember it`s the illness, and nothing personal. Marriage and partnership are such intimate relationships, even with the ups and downs, so it hurts so much when that special bond seems to be no longer there.

    Only by expressing our feelings, letting off steam and posting on TP, can we see how much in common we have.

    We come to TP as strangers, yet we quickly develop a special bond of our own. This is because our common ground, the dreadful dementia, breaks down all barriers.

    Please keep posting Cris and Dee. Let off steam, share your lows, there is always someone here.

    With love

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