Father in Law

[Frank24]

Hello DT people,
I wonder if anyone can advise the best way to deal with this problem. Even though I have a parent in the end stage of Alzheimers I am a bit at a loss as to what to do to help my father in law and his family. Short story. Ninety year old FIL living alone since wife died. Has coped reasonably well. Since Covid - seems to be really struggling. A few things have seemed odd to me recently. Namely:
Struggling to use basic house appliances like microwave and washing machine
Getting the wrong end of the stick when remembering a family event (ie remembering something differently or adding in something that hasn't happened)
Losing items frequently like wallet and then becoming obsessed with people being to obtain his bank details and drain his account. Wallet later turns up in a drawer.
The most worrying one to me - cornering a neighbour to ask her to buy some tins of soup (own cupboards full) because it was New Years Day tomorrow (isn't obviously) and all the shops will be shut.
Confusion about what is in own house IE downstairs toilet "I don't have one down here"
Burned food pan discovered in bin

He has carer input (limited in my opinion to 1 hour per day) is extremely anxious about everything. Is struggling with using incontinence aids as can't remember which was they go into pants - even though family member has been through the packs and marked every one with a line.

This individual is extremely stubborn and reluctant to consider residential care or additional care visits. Very lonely and isolated in his home. Really touchy about memory as his late wife suffered from Alziehmers although he is in complete denial over this, to the extent that he wouldn't allow her medication for the condition. Is always a bit dismissive of my mums condition as makes remarks like "A least I still have my sense" etc. I can't see his agreeing to a trip to the memory clinic - when his daughter suggested he was having problems with his memory he got VERY angry. He is getting angry and frustrated a lot over small things.
Close family very reluctant to tackle this..
What can I do to help?

My mums case was different although she hated the memory clinic and got very upset and anxious about attending over the years - she would comply. Different type of personality...

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Your FIL's behaviours are classic for dementia, aren't they? But trying to 'force' help on someone in denial is almost impossible. If he gets very angry, the only option is to continue the 'softly, softly' approach... until the crisis happens.

Unless you (or the wider family) can convince him he needs carers or would be happier in a care home, that's pretty much all you can do.

You could speak to social services and report him as a 'vulnerable adult' but if they phone up and he says he's fine, that's as far as it will go. Until a crisis happens.

Sorry I've not been any help. I think the reason you posted was because you can see this will happen sooner or later and you're trying to prevent it! I'm just not sure that you can

 

[Frank24]

Your FIL's behaviours are classic for dementia, aren't they? But trying to 'force' help on someone in denial is almost impossible. If he gets very angry, the only option is to continue the 'softly, softly' approach... until the crisis happens.

Unless you (or the wider family) can convince him he needs carers or would be happier in a care home, that's pretty much all you can do.

You could speak to social services and report him as a 'vulnerable adult' but if they phone up and he says he's fine, that's as far as it will go. Until a crisis happens.

Sorry I've not been any help. I think the reason you posted was because you can see this will happen sooner or later and you're trying to prevent it! I'm just not sure that you can

Thanks Jaded and Faded, as I've been through and am going through hell with my mum I don't really want this for my husband nd his family - none of which live close enough to help enough. I did talk to him about full time care and he said he would consider it but that seems to have gone out of the window and none of the "children" (all 50+!) feel they can talk about it - we did get him to agree to a 2nd carer for an hour at tea time but somehow he has bartered this down to half an hour with his other son despite my husband telling him it was only available for an hour.
Just not sure I have the stomach for another round of old age care! Or indeed, the energy.

 

[Frank24]

Also POA is pending.
Delayed due to covid - there is some social services involvement but it seems minimal to me.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Frank24
personally, I think you have to leave this to your FiL's children ... they know your situation and that you will chat things over with them if they want to talk ... that in itself is more support and understanding than many folk have

might you suggest they join us here so they benefit from being part of our helpful community ( maybe wait until this thread has aged a bit)

 

[SERENA50]

Thanks Jaded and Faded, as I've been through and am going through hell with my mum I don't really want this for my husband nd his family - none of which live close enough to help enough. I did talk to him about full time care and he said he would consider it but that seems to have gone out of the window and none of the "children" (all 50+!) feel they can talk about it - we did get him to agree to a 2nd carer for an hour at tea time but somehow he has bartered this down to half an hour with his other son despite my husband telling him it was only available for an hour.
Just not sure I have the stomach for another round of old age care! Or indeed, the energy.

Hi

Sending a hug . We ie my siblings have similar experiences with dad. I concluded that we are doing all we can do and sadly it will be a crisis in the end that will bring the decisions out of Dad's hands . We had similar experiences with Mum although that was not dementia . Mum was stubborn but she would always be kind and thankful of any help that was given. Dad is stubborn but a very different personality type. The trouble is you feel guilty for not being to help but someone once told me that whilst someone is making their own choices, even if you know that they are not good ones, they are their choices to make, at least for a time until someone says differently. It can leave you feeling like you are not being a caring family member when it is just the opposite in fact. Dad has a cleaner once every two weeks and that is all we can get him to be happy with at the moment. It was weekly but he cancelled and in fact says he will cancel her for no reason sometimes as well. lol we hope not . Take Care

 

[Frank24]

Hi

Sending a hug . We ie my siblings have similar experiences with dad. I concluded that we are doing all we can do and sadly it will be a crisis in the end that will bring the decisions out of Dad's hands . We had similar experiences with Mum although that was not dementia . Mum was stubborn but she would always be kind and thankful of any help that was given. Dad is stubborn but a very different personality type. The trouble is you feel guilty for not being to help but someone once told me that whilst someone is making their own choices, even if you know that they are not good ones, they are their choices to make, at least for a time until someone says differently. It can leave you feeling like you are not being a caring family member when it is just the opposite in fact. Dad has a cleaner once every two weeks and that is all we can get him to be happy with at the moment. It was weekly but he cancelled and in fact says he will cancel her for no reason sometimes as well. lol we hope not . Take Care

Thank you - I hope your Dad carries on with the cleaner and doesn't cancel. It is a worry! X