Father in law refuses help

Michelep2201

New member
Dec 30, 2019
2
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My father in law has been very confused for around a year and is getting steadily worse. My husband is his fathers only support, there is no other family.
Examples of his behaviour are not knowing what day or time it is . We have bought him a special dementia clock to help with this.
Not knowing where he is or where he lives, getting on busses then getting off halfway through the journey and being completely lost.
He only gave up driving in the summer as he was getting dangerous and not knowing where he was going. Was caught driving in a bus lane and had no memory of being in that area.
His personal care has gone downhill, hasn't been washing clothes as he has forgotten how to use the machine, hasn't been cleaning his flat.
He lives in a small block and has been reported to the housing association as he knocks on other doors when he doesn't know which flat is his.
My husband has tried to talk to him about going to the doctors but he flatly refuses and says there's nothing wrong with him.
We have contacted the doctor a couple of times but nothing has come of it.
Not sure what else to do. Any ideas?
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
0
Bristol
Welcome to the forum, @Michelep2201.
Sorry your father in law refuses to go to the doctor. That does make things harder for everyone. I have no experience of this myself, but it is worth writing to adult social services to advise them that he is vulnerable and in need of support.
You will get support and advice here, so read other threads and keep posting.
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
Personally I’d write to the GP & social services detailing exactly what is happening. Tell them he is very vulnerable & that they have a duty of care to him.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
1,045
0
When I was concerned about my Mum, I kept an account of her struggles and summarised them in a letter to her GP - brief bullet points only. One of the concerns i mentioned was confusion over medical appointments! I asked for his help and made it clear that he was not to mention the letter to Mum.

I'm not sure what excuse he used but Mum was invited in for a checkup and as a result was referred for an assessment which resulted in a diagnosis of AZ.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
If you do (by subterfuge) get the GP to offer an appointment, it is unlikely your FIL will remember to go. Even if he does get there, he won't remember what was said. To provide a diagnosis the GP will refer him to the memory clinic and he will also need an MRI scan at the hospital.

I am just mentioning this because he will need someone to accompany him to have any hope of success. When my mother was at this stage she did not remember appointments and she had no idea how to get to the memory clinic or hospital. She was willing to attend but she could not have achieved it alone, she needed someone to remind her and take her there, so it is vital you know the times/dates of appointments.

If your FIL has any medical ailments, use a check up for those to get him to the GP, rather than linking the visit to his memory problems.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,839
0
My father in law has been very confused for around a year and is getting steadily worse. My husband is his fathers only support, there is no other family.
Examples of his behaviour are not knowing what day or time it is . We have bought him a special dementia clock to help with this.
Not knowing where he is or where he lives, getting on busses then getting off halfway through the journey and being completely lost.
He only gave up driving in the summer as he was getting dangerous and not knowing where he was going. Was caught driving in a bus lane and had no memory of being in that area.
His personal care has gone downhill, hasn't been washing clothes as he has forgotten how to use the machine, hasn't been cleaning his flat.
He lives in a small block and has been reported to the housing association as he knocks on other doors when he doesn't know which flat is his.
My husband has tried to talk to him about going to the doctors but he flatly refuses and says there's nothing wrong with him.
We have contacted the doctor a couple of times but nothing has come of it.
Not sure what else to do. Any ideas?

Refusal to accept that there is anything wrong is very common. My mother-in-law was like this and as far as she was concerned there was nothing wrong with her. I agree with other posters that subterfuge is needed and I also agree that someone will have to be present at appointments. I attended all my mother-in-law's appointments because I couldn't guarantee that she would remember or understand any outcomes.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
899
0
Hi @Michelep2201, is he in receipt of attendance allowance? If not I would suggest you apply for it and use it to commission some care support for him - even if it is laundry and cleaning that will help (and perhaps encouraging him to wash etc).
 

Michelep2201

New member
Dec 30, 2019
2
0
We did speak to his doctor and they apparently asked him to come in for a check up. He has diabetes. He didn't turn up to the appointment but we only found this out a couple of weeks later.
We are going to try the doctor again in the new year.
Hes not happy with my husband for implying he had memory problems! So not sure he would let him take him to an appointment. Also not sure get will accept outside help. Hes a extremely proud and stubborn man.