Oh dear, this is going to sound like more moaning from me.
First of all the husband. He is supportive in many ways, practically, but not at all emotionally. For example, he could not cope if I cried. If any of you know the story of Lazarus and his two sisters, one was always cooking and cleaning and the other always sat at the foot of Jesus, and I always remember as a child thinking tht the cook and cleaner was the most useful, well I now realise that the one doing the listening was equally, if not more, useful. My husband is the cook/cleaner and definitely not the listener. Never has been, but illness makes him even less so. He is sort of aware that I am not happy, but wouldn't think to talk about it.
Anyway, Christmas is coming, and I've been worrying privately about whether to invite mum to us for lunch. Problem one is Chris likes a big fussy lunch, at least 20 trimmings - he is happy to cook it, but can't possibly manage to have it ready before 5 p.m. I don't think that will do for mum this year, her first year in the Home. Hubby is not around much to discuss, but I have suggested to him that we have a different regime this year, have an earlier lunch than usual and invite mum, and take her back to the home quite soon after. Okay he said (without really listening). I've discussed this with our elder daughter (age 27, worth listening to), and as far as I'm concerned it was agreed. Imagine my distress when I overheard husband on the phone to elder daughter "we are thinking of visiting grandma in he morning, but leaving her to have her Christmas Lunch at the home, and tea, and doing the same on Boxing Day". I swooped in in my usual careful manner - "No, that is not what we are doing". He waves me away, and continues to tell daughter of his plans. "No", I shout, "Please don't start assuming what the plans are when C and I have already discussed and agreed them, it isn't right". And then I got a response that I can only assume came from the 19th century. "Margaret, That's Enough!".
I felt like a doormat.
I didn't cry - no point, he would walk out of the house if I did. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that, and his response was that I shouldn't speak to him like that either. I pointed out that this was the first Christmas of my mother being in a care home, bereft, bewildered, unsure, and I thought we should make an effort to accommodate her in a sympathetic manner. I told him I had discussed it with C, and we had agreed. I reminded him that I had told him of our plan. "Oh yes" he said "A plan made without my knowledge or approval". I said he had been too busy to discuss it, and I didn't imagine it would need his approval cos it was so obviously the kindest thing to do as regards my mother.
Response "You do what you like, but don't expect me to be eating at 1 p.m. with you". Nice.
Anyway, never mind the marital issues, onto the daughter, C. Normally a very supportive person. I just felt a body blow this week. She lives about 35 miles away, our younger daughter 200 miles away. When C bought her first home (2003) we visited a lot, decorating, assembling furniture, I made curtains, dad sorted out her garden etc. Then my dad became ill with stomach cancer and died(2003-04), then my mother in law had a stroke which was eventually fatal (2004-05), an aunt and an uncle died earlier this year (2007), we are both in full time jobs, and C turns round and says "I think you have been a bit lax this year in visiting, I hope next year you are going to make more effort". What? I said "well I have been a little preoccupied this year C". "What with?" she asked. Eh? What with? Isn't it obvious? Doctors, mental assessments, brain scans, psychiatrists, the little matter of mum reported to the police in the middle of the night at the bus stop, abusive phone calls from her "friends" in the middle of the night, 6 weeks in hospital, hunting for a care home, organising the financing of the care home (5 visits by the Independent Financial Adviser, two enormous cheques being written, 7 new bank accounts being set up, power of attorney which the Court of Protection lost - and then found), visits by the Social Worker, selling mum's home, emptying 50 years of married life to the tip, 20 phone calls at least to organise a new hearing aid for mum, two trips to the hearing aid centre 20 miles away, the optician, the dentist, settling her into the home, pursuing a complaint for physical abuse, further mental deterioration (mum hearing voices), mum having no shoes, being cold, organising the GP to remedy a fungal infection which won't yet budge, supporting mum in all this (she was upset about her home being sold, it took a lot of emotional effort to help her accept that), 38 letters from the DWP about her pension and benefits (all wrong), redirecting her mail, notifying gas, electric, council, insurance, water rates, ground rent, solicitor,.......... boring!
I began to wonder if this was a dream - a nightmare.
I have been a little preoccupied - do you agree? Or am I just not superwoman any more?
I tell you all, I really feel like walking away from my family. Not my mum, I will stick with her, cos she is my responsibility. Not because I love her, I have posted on this before, but because she is my mother. Fact.
Do I really have to put up with a huband telling me "That's Enough!" when I am upset that he is changing my plans for my mother? Do I really have to put up with a daughter who tells me I haven't made enough effort to see her over the last 12 months and wonders why I have been a little preoccupied?
I will say nothing to either of them. I just let it pass. I will never forget either of those remarks to me. Why? you might ask. Well, because they are both much more clever than me with words. They will beat me into the ground. My husband will tell me of all the brilliant things he has done over he past year, and it is true, he has cooked all the meals (albeit mostly ready meals), my daughter will stand her ground and say I should still find time for her and that I should be better organised, which is true. So they will both be right, and I will not have a leg to stand on. My younger daughter is probably my only support, but she is 200 miles away and over the last couple of years she has got her own life that I don't know much about. So maybe not.
My friends have not a clue. My closest friend saw her mother in a care home for the last 3 years of her life. Perfectly happy to be there, chose to go there, no mental problems, no need for company cos she watched telly and read, my friend visited for half an hour a week, that was it. Fully funded by the local authority, no issue with managing money. When her mother died, it was me that she rang. I went to the home, made all the arrangements for the funeral. Another friend lost her mother years and years ago, thinks I should be glad I have still got my mother and stop moaning about it. Isn't interested at all. A third friend has a fit and healthy mother, same age as mine, as doesn't understand why I have "put" my mother in a home. Hers doesn't live with her, and thinks she might like to go into a home for the company and fun. My friend thinks my mum should be the same. They haven't got a clue what Alzheimers means.
And my mum aint half bad compared to some of your relatives.
I feel so unsupported by my family and friends. Desperately unsupported. Seriously. I could just walk away. I could cheerfully leave them all to cook their own Christmas dinner and anyway I probably won't eat any of it. That is one thing I have noticed, that since my mum was diagnosed with AD my appetite has gone. Most days I cannot eat more than half of a normal evening meal, and some days I eat none at all. I have a small breakfast, and often no lunch.
I really do feel so emotionally unsupported, and now criticised by my daughter who I thought was so understanding.
Well, friends, sorry about all that, but it seems I have only you to turn to. But please don't just tell me I am wonderful and right, if you think I am wrong somewhere, please tell me that also. Nicely, please, cos I just can't stand another bruise, but maybe a nudge in the right direction.
Sorry
Margaret
First of all the husband. He is supportive in many ways, practically, but not at all emotionally. For example, he could not cope if I cried. If any of you know the story of Lazarus and his two sisters, one was always cooking and cleaning and the other always sat at the foot of Jesus, and I always remember as a child thinking tht the cook and cleaner was the most useful, well I now realise that the one doing the listening was equally, if not more, useful. My husband is the cook/cleaner and definitely not the listener. Never has been, but illness makes him even less so. He is sort of aware that I am not happy, but wouldn't think to talk about it.
Anyway, Christmas is coming, and I've been worrying privately about whether to invite mum to us for lunch. Problem one is Chris likes a big fussy lunch, at least 20 trimmings - he is happy to cook it, but can't possibly manage to have it ready before 5 p.m. I don't think that will do for mum this year, her first year in the Home. Hubby is not around much to discuss, but I have suggested to him that we have a different regime this year, have an earlier lunch than usual and invite mum, and take her back to the home quite soon after. Okay he said (without really listening). I've discussed this with our elder daughter (age 27, worth listening to), and as far as I'm concerned it was agreed. Imagine my distress when I overheard husband on the phone to elder daughter "we are thinking of visiting grandma in he morning, but leaving her to have her Christmas Lunch at the home, and tea, and doing the same on Boxing Day". I swooped in in my usual careful manner - "No, that is not what we are doing". He waves me away, and continues to tell daughter of his plans. "No", I shout, "Please don't start assuming what the plans are when C and I have already discussed and agreed them, it isn't right". And then I got a response that I can only assume came from the 19th century. "Margaret, That's Enough!".
I felt like a doormat.
I didn't cry - no point, he would walk out of the house if I did. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that, and his response was that I shouldn't speak to him like that either. I pointed out that this was the first Christmas of my mother being in a care home, bereft, bewildered, unsure, and I thought we should make an effort to accommodate her in a sympathetic manner. I told him I had discussed it with C, and we had agreed. I reminded him that I had told him of our plan. "Oh yes" he said "A plan made without my knowledge or approval". I said he had been too busy to discuss it, and I didn't imagine it would need his approval cos it was so obviously the kindest thing to do as regards my mother.
Response "You do what you like, but don't expect me to be eating at 1 p.m. with you". Nice.
Anyway, never mind the marital issues, onto the daughter, C. Normally a very supportive person. I just felt a body blow this week. She lives about 35 miles away, our younger daughter 200 miles away. When C bought her first home (2003) we visited a lot, decorating, assembling furniture, I made curtains, dad sorted out her garden etc. Then my dad became ill with stomach cancer and died(2003-04), then my mother in law had a stroke which was eventually fatal (2004-05), an aunt and an uncle died earlier this year (2007), we are both in full time jobs, and C turns round and says "I think you have been a bit lax this year in visiting, I hope next year you are going to make more effort". What? I said "well I have been a little preoccupied this year C". "What with?" she asked. Eh? What with? Isn't it obvious? Doctors, mental assessments, brain scans, psychiatrists, the little matter of mum reported to the police in the middle of the night at the bus stop, abusive phone calls from her "friends" in the middle of the night, 6 weeks in hospital, hunting for a care home, organising the financing of the care home (5 visits by the Independent Financial Adviser, two enormous cheques being written, 7 new bank accounts being set up, power of attorney which the Court of Protection lost - and then found), visits by the Social Worker, selling mum's home, emptying 50 years of married life to the tip, 20 phone calls at least to organise a new hearing aid for mum, two trips to the hearing aid centre 20 miles away, the optician, the dentist, settling her into the home, pursuing a complaint for physical abuse, further mental deterioration (mum hearing voices), mum having no shoes, being cold, organising the GP to remedy a fungal infection which won't yet budge, supporting mum in all this (she was upset about her home being sold, it took a lot of emotional effort to help her accept that), 38 letters from the DWP about her pension and benefits (all wrong), redirecting her mail, notifying gas, electric, council, insurance, water rates, ground rent, solicitor,.......... boring!
I began to wonder if this was a dream - a nightmare.
I have been a little preoccupied - do you agree? Or am I just not superwoman any more?
I tell you all, I really feel like walking away from my family. Not my mum, I will stick with her, cos she is my responsibility. Not because I love her, I have posted on this before, but because she is my mother. Fact.
Do I really have to put up with a huband telling me "That's Enough!" when I am upset that he is changing my plans for my mother? Do I really have to put up with a daughter who tells me I haven't made enough effort to see her over the last 12 months and wonders why I have been a little preoccupied?
I will say nothing to either of them. I just let it pass. I will never forget either of those remarks to me. Why? you might ask. Well, because they are both much more clever than me with words. They will beat me into the ground. My husband will tell me of all the brilliant things he has done over he past year, and it is true, he has cooked all the meals (albeit mostly ready meals), my daughter will stand her ground and say I should still find time for her and that I should be better organised, which is true. So they will both be right, and I will not have a leg to stand on. My younger daughter is probably my only support, but she is 200 miles away and over the last couple of years she has got her own life that I don't know much about. So maybe not.
My friends have not a clue. My closest friend saw her mother in a care home for the last 3 years of her life. Perfectly happy to be there, chose to go there, no mental problems, no need for company cos she watched telly and read, my friend visited for half an hour a week, that was it. Fully funded by the local authority, no issue with managing money. When her mother died, it was me that she rang. I went to the home, made all the arrangements for the funeral. Another friend lost her mother years and years ago, thinks I should be glad I have still got my mother and stop moaning about it. Isn't interested at all. A third friend has a fit and healthy mother, same age as mine, as doesn't understand why I have "put" my mother in a home. Hers doesn't live with her, and thinks she might like to go into a home for the company and fun. My friend thinks my mum should be the same. They haven't got a clue what Alzheimers means.
And my mum aint half bad compared to some of your relatives.
I feel so unsupported by my family and friends. Desperately unsupported. Seriously. I could just walk away. I could cheerfully leave them all to cook their own Christmas dinner and anyway I probably won't eat any of it. That is one thing I have noticed, that since my mum was diagnosed with AD my appetite has gone. Most days I cannot eat more than half of a normal evening meal, and some days I eat none at all. I have a small breakfast, and often no lunch.
I really do feel so emotionally unsupported, and now criticised by my daughter who I thought was so understanding.
Well, friends, sorry about all that, but it seems I have only you to turn to. But please don't just tell me I am wonderful and right, if you think I am wrong somewhere, please tell me that also. Nicely, please, cos I just can't stand another bruise, but maybe a nudge in the right direction.
Sorry
Margaret