Family members are resentful of me

[Woodsy07]

I live outside of my family home as I moved in with my boyfriend and so I live an hour and a half away. My 2 sisters and brother (who are a similar age of 29 and 30) live at home with my mother (who has dementia) and my father (who is elderly but very active). I recently had a large falling out with one of my sisters, who primarily cares for my mother as she is the one to also work from home (although she is looking for this to change). Ultimately she feels the balance is unfair as I can go about my day to day life with relative ease, whilst she cannot. I do agree with her and often feel guilty about this myself. However I feel a bit stuck as this is largely circumstantial. This is what has prompted me to get in touch as I do try to visit as often as I can and whilst I hope to make this more frequent, I was wondering what I could do to be more help from afar / to relieve my sister's circumstances? I try to help with paperwork, phone calls to my mum (although it is very hard for her to answer the phone and hold a conversation now) and food shops from afar but I wondered if there is more that I can do?

I have looked into respite care and groups that perhaps my mum could go to (although there aren't a great deal in her local area) however I am not sure these necessarily resolve the issue. Whilst my mum is still aware of who we are (just about) and is still mobile, she still gets very anxious when left alone and isn't able to make her own lunch or go to the toilet by herself. Therefore it is quite hard for my sister to return to work full time as my Mum needs someone with her. Is there anything that can help with this? The alternative seems like a care home, which I know my mum would be very unhappy with and doesn't really require from a medical perspective.

Most recently we have reached out to adult social services to get support with showering and dressing. This relieves some of the stress from my sister but ultimately doesnt help for the majority of the day when my mum is sat aggitated and bored downstairs, whilst my sister has to work upstairs. As 30 somethings trying to build a future for ourselves, the cost of caring simply isn't enough to enable any of us to leave our jobs and to care full time.

It would be great to hear from anyone of a similar age / who has gone through a similar situation and any advice they could give.

Thanks

 

[jaymor]

Hi and welcome to the forum @Woodsy07

It really is difficult being a hands on carer, I cared for my husband for 7 years before he went into nursing care. You are doing a lot to reduce some of the day to day work a carer takes on but perhaps your sister would appreciate a bit of ‘me time ‘ outside of the house. Could you offer her the odd hour/half a day or even a day off whilst you stay with your parents. I know I valued any time when my daughter covered for me. Just walking to the shops was a big tonic. To be able to read a book was a joy.

 

[Muttimuggle]

Thank you for your honesty. I am one of those sisters taking on the major role and I have had lots of resentment about my brother and posted it on here. How you differ is that you are recognosising there is a problem which needs some amending....whereas my brother has escaped so many times abroad, for 3 months at a time and then will return to criticise decisions I have been making on on behalf of my mother - who has been living alone until a recent bad fall which has put her in hospital. I got in some care in to her home but he was critical of that decision and had told me to leave her and her situation alone because she was fine. My sibling and I are different too from you and yours as we are both retired - but with that has come our own health problems.

These have been the hardest things for me about having a sibling who is not helping as much:

1) Not being there to help and support me with decisions which have needed to be made...and being critical about those I have made despite the fact that he has been "out of it" about what has really been going on. So just encouragement, sharing, support would have meant so much for me. I have largely stopped talking to my brother because his words and actions(or lack of them) have upset me so much.
2) Not being prepared to make a plan which he would stick to about when he would visit Mum. This includes telling me when he would be away and therefore unavailable but also making an agreement about when he would go to visit so that I would know I then had that time off. I was even prepared to accept our roles being unbalanced - that I would do more, but not trying to make things easier by giving me release time has always made me very resentful. In short - an ability to commit - even though it is a really hard job and emotionally draining to care for someone with dementia.
3) Not allowing me to lead when I am the one most familiar with what is going on but instead trying to interfere in my lead(You are probably not guilty of that one).
4) Not communicating with me in a supportive manner - so recognising that this is hard for the person with dementia but also very hard for those who care for them(and this would be particularly true of anyone who lives with them). If the main carer is unhappy or over- stressed this will affect the cared for person, so both or all people's feelings have to be taken into account.

I really don't think you would resemble my brother. The very fact that you have reached out on here is proof that you care. This is a also a very young age for you to be dealing with this- I don't know how I would have coped at that age. But I think you will. You are already thinking about it. With a few adjustments you might improve how your sister feels and thereby improve the care which is happening in your mum and Dad's house. Good luck.

 

[Woodsy07]

Hello,

Hi and welcome to the forum @Woodsy07

It really is difficult being a hands on carer, I cared for my husband for 7 years before he went into nursing care. You are doing a lot to reduce some of the day to day work a carer takes on but perhaps your sister would appreciate a bit of ‘me time ‘ outside of the house. Could you offer her the odd hour/half a day or even a day off whilst you stay with your parents. I know I valued any time when my daughter covered for me. Just walking to the shops was a big tonic. To be able to read a book was a joy.

Thank you, I make sure that I go back at least once a month, with that exact intention that I can either free up some time for my siblings or help with the housework that is otherwise normally neglected.
Good to know that is something that is appreciated and to continue with.

 

[Woodsy07]

Thank you for your honesty. I am one of those sisters taking on the major role and I have had lots of resentment about my brother and posted it on here. How you differ is that you are recognosising there is a problem which needs some amending....whereas my brother has escaped so many times abroad, for 3 months at a time and then will return to criticise decisions I have been making on on behalf of my mother - who has been living alone until a recent bad fall which has put her in hospital. I got in some care in to her home but he was critical of that decision and had told me to leave her and her situation alone because she was fine. My sibling and I are different too from you and yours as we are both retired - but with that has come our own health problems.

These have been the hardest things for me about having a sibling who is not helping as much:

1) Not being there to help and support me with decisions which have needed to be made...and being critical about those I have made despite the fact that he has been "out of it" about what has really been going on. So just encouragement, sharing, support would have meant so much for me. I have largely stopped talking to my brother because his words and actions(or lack of them) have upset me so much.
2) Not being prepared to make a plan which he would stick to about when he would visit Mum. This includes telling me when he would be away and therefore unavailable but also making an agreement about when he would go to visit so that I would know I then had that time off. I was even prepared to accept our roles being unbalanced - that I would do more, but not trying to make things easier by giving me release time has always made me very resentful. In short - an ability to commit - even though it is a really hard job and emotionally draining to care for someone with dementia.
3) Not allowing me to lead when I am the one most familiar with what is going on but instead trying to interfere in my lead(You are probably not guilty of that one).
4) Not communicating with me in a supportive manner - so recognising that this is hard for the person with dementia but also very hard for those who care for them(and this would be particularly true of anyone who lives with them). If the main carer is unhappy or over- stressed this will affect the cared for person, so both or all people's feelings have to be taken into account.

I really don't think you would resemble my brother. The very fact that you have reached out on here is proof that you care. This is a also a very young age for you to be dealing with this- I don't know how I would have coped at that age. But I think you will. You are already thinking about it. With a few adjustments you might improve how your sister feels and thereby improve the care which is happening in your mum and Dad's house. Good luck.

Thank you, it is helpful to know the types of things that would be appreciated from the other side of things. I am sorry that you are taking on the major role.

I plan into my own diary to visit home at least once a month, I have increased this where I can, following my sister telling me that is something that she would appreciate more. But I am thinking of making a shared calendar so that I/we can plan a little more so that she can utilise this time and make plans for herself when I am home.

I don't think I criticise or try to take the lead when visiting but definitely one to keep in mind and be conscious of. I should definitely more directly ask her how she is feeling / coping with it all. So thank you for pointing that out, also.

The main struggle at our age is trying to maintain jobs around all of this when my mum isn't able to be left alone. We have this week had some social support come in to begin an assessment, which I instigated. So I guess we shall see if this is helpful, at least in the mornings. It is so difficult as there is no manual in how to handle all of this and a lot of it is seeking information yourself. Great thing about this forum is that you can talk to others in a similar situation

 

[try again]

You may not be able to do much on a day to day basis but you can offer respite care for a couple of weeks a year .
Let them have a holiday knowing you are there to provide respite.

It really isn't the same, visiting one day a month as caring full time.

 

[Woodsy07]

You may not be able to do much on a day to day basis but you can offer respite care for a couple of weeks a year .
Let them have a holiday knowing you are there to provide respite.

It really isn't the same, visiting one day a month as caring full time.

Definitely something I have offered to do, it just hasn't materialised as of yet. When I visit, I visit for a full weekend at a time. Trying to increase this more than once a month but more than aware that it is not the same as caring full time.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Ask, ask and keep asking: 'What can I do to make things easier for you? What help do you want? I'd like to do more but need to know what works best for you. I know the lion's share is falling on you so tell me some things that would make your life easier.'

I think regular time off for your siblings is the main thing, but let them tell you how they want it to work rather than you saying 'I'll come over the weekend after next...' If you can say, 'When do you want me to come?' that would help. (I do appreciate you have your own life and may not be able to just drop everything and go there!)

However, in the end, they live with your mum and you don't! Your sister may feel resentful that she's found herself becoming a carer when that isn't what she chose (as many people do) but that's not your fault.

 

[Muttimuggle]

Thank you, it is helpful to know the types of things that would be appreciated from the other side of things. I am sorry that you are taking on the major role.

I plan into my own diary to visit home at least once a month, I have increased this where I can, following my sister telling me that is something that she would appreciate more. But I am thinking of making a shared calendar so that I/we can plan a little more so that she can utilise this time and make plans for herself when I am home.

I don't think I criticise or try to take the lead when visiting but definitely one to keep in mind and be conscious of. I should definitely more directly ask her how she is feeling / coping with it all. So thank you for pointing that out, also.

The main struggle at our age is trying to maintain jobs around all of this when my mum isn't able to be left alone. We have this week had some social support come in to begin an assessment, which I instigated. So I guess we shall see if this is helpful, at least in the mornings. It is so difficult as there is no manual in how to handle all of this and a lot of it is seeking information yourself. Great thing about this forum is that you can talk to others in a similar situation

The fact that you are thinking about it and planning ahead is everything. In time I am sure you will sort it out.

 

[Woodsy07]

This is helpful, thank you

 

[Woodsy07]

Ask, ask and keep asking: 'What can I do to make things easier for you? What help do you want? I'd like to do more but need to know what works best for you. I know the lion's share is falling on you so tell me some things that would make your life easier.'

I think regular time off for your siblings is the main thing, but let them tell you how they want it to work rather than you saying 'I'll come over the weekend after next...' If you can say, 'When do you want me to come?' that would help. (I do appreciate you have your own life and may not be able to just drop everything and go there!)

However, in the end, they live with your mum and you don't! Your sister may feel resentful that she's found herself becoming a carer when that isn't what she chose (as many people do) but that's not your fault.

This is helpful, thank you

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Woodsy07, and a welcome to Dementia Talking Point from me.
I think you probably need to have a family conference or two to thrash out what you are going to do to support your parents and your sister that is doing the bulk of the caring. My husband and his siblings nearly fell out irrevocably over the best way to care for their mother, and it took a lot of zoom calls, phone calls and emails to finally agree a plan. The important thing I think is that when you agree what you are doing to help you stick to it. My brother was always saying he was going to do x, y or z to help me with my mother and then he'd let me down. That was worse than not saying he'd do something in the first place.

 

[Duggies-girl]

@Woodsy07 I am another one who had an invisible sibling but I would not use that term to describe you as you actually seem to care and want t help although circumstances make it difficult.

I would have liked my sibling to occasionally ask how his dad was and also how I was coping, you are already doing that so full marks for that. Just having someone to talk to helps when you are caring for someone. If my sibling had lived far away as you do I would have expected little in the way of hands on support but he lived much nearer to dad than I did so no excuse there.

As @Jaded'n'faded says, ask and ask again what you can possibly do, offer to stay a weekend or even a week if possible, just show some interest but it seems that you are already doing these things. In which case I wonder if your sister may be suffering from some kind of depression which would not be uncommon and she is resentful of you for having a life. I am not sure what you can do about this other than have a chat with your brother if that is possible to sound out how your sister actually is at the moment.

It's not your fault, you seem to be doing all you can from where you are.

 

[Woodsy07]

@Woodsy07 I am another one who had an invisible sibling but I would not use that term to describe you as you actually seem to care and want t help although circumstances make it difficult.

I would have liked my sibling to occasionally ask how his dad was and also how I was coping, you are already doing that so full marks for that. Just having someone to talk to helps when you are caring for someone. If my sibling had lived far away as you do I would have expected little in the way of hands on support but he lived much nearer to dad than I did so no excuse there.

As @Jaded'n'faded says, ask and ask again what you can possibly do, offer to stay a weekend or even a week if possible, just show some interest but it seems that you are already doing these things. In which case I wonder if your sister may be suffering from some kind of depression which would not be uncommon and she is resentful of you for having a life. I am not sure what you can do about this other than have a chat with your brother if that is possible to sound out how your sister actually is at the moment.

It's not your fault, you seem to be doing all you can from where you are.

Thank you for this

I worry that she is depressed too and think she would benefit from talking to someone. Hopefully she will consider this soon too

 

[T1000]

I wish my siblings would offer more. Sometimes just them to call her and listen would be good, but her personality is such that it is hard for us all. Sometimes I would just want them to ask me what they can do to help. It might be making a call, taking her out for longer than the 30min - 1 hour one of them does. They are short on cash but they could do more emotionally. I think they don't because I am already prioviding all that and they hav etheir own lives full of things going on. But I suppose if a siblin ggenuinely cared as you do, that would really help.

 

[Woodsy07]

I wish my siblings would offer more. Sometimes just them to call her and listen would be good, but her personality is such that it is hard for us all. Sometimes I would just want them to ask me what they can do to help. It might be making a call, taking her out for longer than the 30min - 1 hour one of them does. They are short on cash but they could do more emotionally. I think they don't because I am already prioviding all that and they hav etheir own lives full of things going on. But I suppose if a siblin ggenuinely cared as you do, that would really help.

Thank you x

 

[Lawson58]

Sometimes life interferes with the best laid plans of mice and men and we find ourselves ending up in roles we never asked for and in some cases never really wanted. I think this sounds like your sister.

I think the nicest and best thing you can do is patch things up properly with your sister. Even though she is the primary carer, you are (or should be) in this together because this is about your parents and you should all be prepared to compromise and make sacrifices. This is not an easy experience for anyone but it will be more rewarding if you can work together as a family.

As you have seen from earlier posts, yours is a not uncommon problem and how you work it out will be reflected in your future family relationships.