Family member taking advantage of Mum with Demensia

Discussion in 'Legal and financial issues' started by Delmonte29, Oct 4, 2018.

  1. Delmonte29

    Delmonte29 New member

    Oct 4, 2018
    Hi there,
    I need some serious advice as I see to be getting nowhere!
    My Mum was diagnosed with Demensia nearly 3 years ago. My father who was going to take care of her for cancer and passed away very suddenly. Before that time my Father was going to build a house on our land that would be better suited for my Mum when she got more ill. When my father was dying his wishes was to sell up the farm and get Mum into a smaller place and with her own private carer. There are two siblings, myself that lives in USA and my sister that lives very close to my Mum. Unfortunately my sister and I have very different ways of living, I moved away from home at a young age and learnt the meaning of work and understanding the value of money, where as my sister has always relied heavily on my parents and lives hand to mouth and loves spending money. Once my father passed away my sister decided that she would go ahead with the build of the house and take over! Of course this lead to massive arguments as this was not my fathers wishes neither my Mums at that time. My father had also taken over POA in the Jan when my mum was diagnosed as he knew how easy manipulated my Mum was when she was with my sister. Once Dad passed away unfortunately the POA went back to my Mum as he never mentioned the reasons he took it away. This was great news to my sister as she can be solely in control of my mother’s finances. Slowly but surely my sister has isolated my mum from her old friends and family. I even have trouble speaking to Mum as the land line number never goes through, if I call my sisters cell number then she won’t let me chat to Mum in her own always has to be in loud speaker so she can hear the conversations.
    In these two years she has nearly built the house, bought a couple of new cars, a boat, goes on holidays and generally spends like there is no tomorrow. When I try and find out where the money is coming from she shouts and screams telling me she works and it’s none of my business. Unfortunately my mum is not capable of making any decisions and I have tried on a number of occasions to get the POA into place but funny enough my sister doesn’t want that to go through as she will lose some control. I have no way of seeing the bank accounts and the family lawyer is not assisting me at all! I am a complete mess and need some guidance. There is so much more to add but I will be here all night. Please can someone offer me assistance I am besides myself!
    One last thing on my last visit home, my mum is living in such a mess, my sister says she is looking after her but the house is covered with dirt and mess, there is also random people in the house all the time. I am sure this is not good with someone suffering with demensia. Please help!
  2. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    On a practical level, how do you expect to run the POA from the USA on a day to day basis?
    I fear the only way to help your mother is to report the situation to her local social services, as a vulnerable person.
    Hoping they can improve her situation. But I doubt you'll get any feed back from them.

  3. EdgsonW

    EdgsonW Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    So sorry to hear of your family difficulties. I can only think that you should be phoning up the emergency Alzheimers Society Helpline. I think they must be able to advise you. Sorry I can't advise further but I'm sure there are others on Talking Point who will advise you soon. So Take Carexxx
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Hello and welcome Talking Point.

    I have a couple of questions I'm afraid. Is your mother somewhere in the UK (I see you said you are in the US)? Assuming that's the case, does your sister hold an LPA (lasting power of attorney) for finances for your mother or is she operating under a deputyship or, in fact, nothing?
  5. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    North Manchester
  6. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @Delmonte29, welcome to the forum.

    I appreciate that things will be difficult for you are you are dealing with this from afar. However, other members have mentioned the help line and Social Services so below is a link to a Factsheet about a needs assessment and the help line details. The help line experts may be able to guide you through the system. The times quoted are UK times

    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
  7. No transparency

    No transparency New member

    Jun 8, 2018
    I totally understand your frustration. My father whom has had a brain injury for 21 year has been taken advantage of.
    You should apply for a court protection.
    Understandably your in the USA but you can ask the COP to proctect your mother alongside a solicitor in the Uk. Also raise all your issue with the safeguarding unit at the COP they in turn with involve social service who will visit your mother. And asses the situation. Don’t give up this is a form of abuse!!!
  8. concerned4

    concerned4 Registered User

    Jun 3, 2012
    Sadly this situation is replicated on a regular basis which this government hasn't got a clue how to resolve, the adults past wishes are a benchmark but from what dates do adults past wishes come in to play? Get in touch with the Office of Public Guardian, highlight your concerns & hopefully they will do an investigation which will hopefully flag up concerns, also get in touch with the council local to your mother as they have a duty of care to protect vulnerable adults.
    All the best.

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