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Family member being difficult due to Money

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Hellothere123, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. Hellothere123

    Hellothere123 New member

    Apr 28, 2019
    1
    I NEED your help and advise!

    Bit of setup story (please stay with me)

    I currently live with my wife, 1 year old and 90+ years old grandmother-in-law that's has late stage vascular dementia.

    We moved in around 2 years ago to help out, give my wife chance to spending quality time with her grandmother and us a chance to save for a mortgage deposit.

    My wife and I both work. (My self full-time and my wife part time having just finished maternity leave). We supply all the care during the evenings/days off/weekends. With the mother-in-law supplying brief pop ins during he days my wife is at work to make sure the grandmother is fine/fed.

    The Problem
    In a few months professional help is going to be needed due to us having our own place and needing to put more quality time into the growth and development of our 1 year old. BUT the mother-in-law won't allow it to happen!
    She won't allow any money to be spent on care due to it being clear her agenda is to received a house (£200+) and an untouched bank balance (well parts she does spend. I'll get to this later) that is all willed to herself.

    Over the 2 years she has used emotional black mail and my wife's sheer terror of possibly upsetting her and causing drama. Also placing road blocks and stifling any plans. From losing power of attorney forms... to not allowing my wife to fill in attendance allowance forms with reasons likes, 'It's my mum I should fill in the forms'.....which never happened.

    Something needs to be done!

    I've thought about reporting her/the situation. Just not sure if I'm able to do so anonymously. As I don't want to cause a family feud for my wife, which is the thing she's feared all along.

    If anything was ever investigated it would come to light that the mother-in-law has and uses her mother's (the grandmother-in-law) bank card/balance to fund her own life. From buying shopping and fuel. All the way up to buying cars. Which I personally believe is disgusting regardless if it will one day be her money or not.

    The mother-in-law is just counting down the days until the passing of her OWN mother. While doing as little as possible in making her time left as comfortable as possible. She's not even willing to move into her 'family home' (we've had this thrown in our faces many time in attempt to remind her the house is hers) to help care, in fear of losing her council house that she wishes to buy with the willed money. In effort to live of the funds and not have to work any more.

    Soooo please help with your advise as action is needed soon!

    Thanks for reading.

    Mr Hadenough
     
  2. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,251
    I agree that if you want to move out and stop being such hands on carers, for whatever reason, then you should do so. Indeed with your reason being your little one, you must do what's best for them. And you won't be able to hide that part, you moving out, from your mother in law, so I hope your wife is ok with that.

    If I understand correctly, the tricky bit is what to do once grandmother in law is home alone and mother in law is reluctant to have money spent on carers. Obviously total honesty would be best but the situation sounds complicated and your wife seems reluctant to stand up to her mum. So a slightly duplicitous option might be more pragmatic. By that I mean involve the social services without flagging up that you did it. You could even do it anonymously. A concerned 'neighbour' noticed something or other and grandmother in law is suddenly on the social services radar as a vulnerable adult.

    Mother in law might not like it but if paid for care is judged to be needed then she won't be in a position to say no.

    It's a difficult situation, though, and I can see mother in law doing what she can to stop 'her inheritance' being spent, so you and your wife will probably have to keep a close eye on things. The good news is that if grandmother no longer has capacity, a Deputyship might be suggested so that the care can be paid for. Normally this would be bad news but in this case the accountability of a Deputyship would work in your favour. Every penny spent has to be accounted for and financial decisions need to be explained, so no more big spends for mum in law's benefit.

    Good luck with it all.
     
  3. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    I agree you need to put your little one first. I suggest you go ahead with your move to your new home together. You and your wife have done more than enough. Inform your mother in law the date you are moving then take a step back. It's her responsibility to provide care for her mother, either hands on if she wants to keep her inheritance or purchase care for her mother from mothers savings. Time for you and your wife to now do the occasional visit to grandma . Reverse roles now. Good luck
    Rose
     
  4. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    2,839
    Nottinghamshire
    Your mother in law is stealing from her own mother. The money does not belong to her and while grandmother in law is still alive it should be spent on her care. I expect MIL knows she's stealing and that's why she's reluctant to do anything to flag up her mums vulnerability.

    You need to move for the sake of your child. I know from experience that young children and dementia is a difficult combination to say the least.

    I agree with @Delphie that subterfuge may be required although I'd take a more direct route myself - but I fell out with my horrible, controlling, selfish MIL years ago when she pushed me too far!!

    I wonder if a call to Age UK would be worth making they may be able to advise if there is a way to get attendance allowance without your MIL knowing it was you who applied.

    Good luck. I hope you can find the strength you need.
     
  5. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,755
    Female
    Scotland
    She may be money grubbing but clearly doesn’t know that there would be more income for her mother from
    attendance Allowance. This can be a significant sum each month which would pay for a lot of care. She should then be claiming the council tax reduction to zero for her mother if she lives alone with carers. That usually comes with a lump sum of back taxes.
     
  6. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    387
    Female
    High Peak
    You mentioned MIL 'losing' Power of Attorney Forms. Does she actually have POA for your GIL or does she just have access to GIL's accounts somehow? If she has POA you could report her to the Office of the Public Guardian for financial abuse/deprivation of assets if she's using GIL's money to fund her own lifestyle. If she hasn't actually got POA, then as others have said, you could apply to be GIL's deputy which would give you control over the finances. (Though MIL isn't going to take that lightly!)

    The bottom line here: you need to live your own life with your young family. Your GIL will need either carers or possibly a care home when you move. Her money MUST be used to fund either of those two options. Your MIL (who sounds horrible TBH) has no right to touch GIL's money for anything other than GIL's care.

    If I were you I would ignore MIL. Her actions already show where her priorities lie. You could contact social services, explain you've been living with and caring for your GIL for 2 years but are now moving out so GIL will need a care needs assessment so you can arrange for her future care. Then step back and go ahead with your move. You say MIL calls in to provide care now when your wife is at work. She's probably panicking how she will manage GIL without you two. And she will no doubt realise she can't do it all by herself (and won't want to) so possibly the situation will resolve itself and she will be forced to employ carers or put GIL in a care home.

    You say MIL 'won't allow it happen'. Can she stop you moving? Call her bluff.
     
  7. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,747
    Yorkshire
    welcome @Hellothere123
    a difficult situation

    seems to me that your wife is by default leaving her mother to make decisions ... I appreciate that with family disagreements it's not easy to go against long standing roles and this
    is a strong description of how your wife and her mother interact

    you have made one decision, which is to move into a new family home, and I wish you happiness there

    if you do nothing else, that will leave your wife's grandmother in the care of her daughter, your wife's mother, who may or may not change her ways, potentially leaving the grandmother without the support she needs .... I doubt that the mother will stop making it clear that the granddaughter should care for the grandmother, so I'm not sure family discord would be avoided

    your wife could decide to continue providing care .... in which case things stay pretty much as they are but with more strain on your wife and the grandmother left on her own at night

    you seem to be implying that the grandmother no longer has capacity or ability to manage her own affairs and no LPAs are in place .... if this is correct, no-one has legal authority to deal with the grandmother's affairs .... if her bank becomes aware of this her accounts may be frozen until someone has legal authority

    you could anonymously (by printed letter) contact the Local Authority Adult Services, the grandmother's GP, the grandmother's bank and anyone else involved to make clear to all exactly how things are for the grandmother .... she is a vulnerable adult and at risk of neglect and financial abuse ... so your wife may or may not face 'drama' from her mother but all authorities will be aware of the situation

    your wife could decide that it's time to face whatever her mother may throw at her and contact the LA to request an assessment of her grandmother's care needs, through which a care package will be put in place and after which a financial assessment will be carried out .... if LPA for finance & property is not already in place and the grandmother no longer has capacity Deputyship will have to be applied for, by the LA or by a family member ... if your wife makes the application, she will take over the management of her grandmother's finances and can choose to ignore what has gone before, only having authority from the time of her appointment as Deputy ... that would mean your wife can then apply for Attendance Allowance and then deal with Council Tax

    https://www.gov.uk/become-deputy/apply-deputy
    https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/how-to-claim

    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/who-pays-care
    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/your-support-services

    I think you have used your post to write out your thoughts on this tricky situation ... and that you know what is to be done ... your wife is a fortunate woman to have you looking out for her and her family
    you and your wife have a demanding time ahead, my best wishes to you both
     
  8. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,227
    Essex
    Marion has made some good points here but may I suggest contacting your local authority because if you feel you have to move out you are more likely to get on a list for a council house because of your daughter. They would also be able to offer advice concerning your in-laws.

    Good luck

    MaNaAk
     

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