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Family judgement

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
19
0
Well, if they are not speaking to you at least you cant hear their criticism!!
Your aunt going to see your mum without any of your involvement might turn out to be a good thing as she might see more of what her sister is actually like, especially if she is going to be staying with her. Id be inclined to let her get on with it.
I think you maybe right Canary.
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
19
0
So...things have hit a new low. I decided to put Mum in respite care for a week whilst I have a little holiday in a few weeks time. The family is annoyed I won't discuss it with them but I have discussed very similar things with them so many times I can't tell you, nothing changes, it's all just talk and everything will fall back to me anyway, I'll end up driving home or on the phone to the panic alarm people at 3am. Family are always too busy, that's ok, I understand, so I will use respite care - problem solved. Er...no, because I didn't ask any of the family for permission and they don't want Mum in a care home even for a week...So I have cracked and asked who will take over from me on a permanent basis because I simply cannot cope with them getting at me anymore - apparently, I have no family after my Mum dies so I am no longer tied to them anyway so upsetting them further is a 'what the heck' situation, they've decided my behaviour is utterly disgraceful and Mum is better off without me. How they get to that when I literally plan my life around her and I'm available for whatever 24 hours a day 365 days a year I'm not sure but that's how they feel and they're all furious with me. None of them has a clue about caring for Mum, I could put her in a home permanently, but I can't even bear the thought. This brings me to my question, can I 'sign Mum over' to social services? Can I say I am no longer in a position to look after her and no one else in the family can and they'll take over her care? I've had little dealings with social services so any insight gratefully received - or if you have other ideas to get my family off my back that still results in my Mum being cared for...............
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,076
0
South coast
Yes, you can contact SS and say exactly that and if you do, they will move your mum into a care home, so why not do it anyway. Contact SS and tell then that you have reached carer breakdown and your mum needs emergency respite.
 

AwayWithTheFairies

Registered User
Apr 21, 2021
140
0
No words of wisdom but just to say, you are doing the right thing with the respite care. You get on and do it. What are you going to do while she is in? Something restorative for you and your own immediate family and friends I hope. Any ridiculousness from the nosy Parker’s, then tell them not only is this what is happening, they can have her move in with them when she comes out.

I wouldn’t wait a few weeks either.
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
19
0
Thank you for that, I'll keep emergency respite in mind.

I have a holiday booked with my partner, fully refundable of course, in the UK but about 4.5 hours drive away and near the sea, I love a bit of sea air. I have spoken to Mum about it several times, she's asked questions maybe once, she's ok with it. I haven't guilt-tripped her I've just made out we're both having a holiday but it is a care home, I know a couple of the people that work there and it's fairly lively, if she doesn't like it I'll come back for her - I could be going anywhere in the world but if she needed me to I'd hightail it back, hell or high water!
I feel bad leaving her behind but she's a bit beyond travelling very far now, but we do go on drives out and eat cake, we're going on a beach day trip in the summer, hopefully, and if it ever stops raining we'll head back to national trust gardens because she loves them so I do try to get her out and we both enjoy it when we do.
 
Last edited:

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,076
0
South coast
That sounds lovely for both of you @Kaths
Please continue this plan and completely ignore the relatives.
What you are doing is entirely reasonable. They can only guilt trip you if you let them.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,886
0
Just read this thread and I agree with @canary that you should just go ahead with your plan. You deserve a break so go and enjoy it. As for the relatives they are unimportant and you shouldn't worry about them. They are being nasty because they know that their own behaviour towards your mum and you has been lacking and they feel guilty but they would rather just turn it all onto you and make out that you are in the wrong when all you have done is your best. Been there, done that. Their loss not yours.

Have your break, it sounds lovely.
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
42
0
So...things have hit a new low. I decided to put Mum in respite care for a week whilst I have a little holiday in a few weeks time. The family is annoyed I won't discuss it with them but I have discussed very similar things with them so many times I can't tell you, nothing changes, it's all just talk and everything will fall back to me anyway, I'll end up driving home or on the phone to the panic alarm people at 3am. Family are always too busy, that's ok, I understand, so I will use respite care - problem solved. Er...no, because I didn't ask any of the family for permission and they don't want Mum in a care home even for a week...So I have cracked and asked who will take over from me on a permanent basis because I simply cannot cope with them getting at me anymore - apparently, I have no family after my Mum dies so I am no longer tied to them anyway so upsetting them further is a 'what the heck' situation, they've decided my behaviour is utterly disgraceful and Mum is better off without me. How they get to that when I literally plan my life around her and I'm available for whatever 24 hours a day 365 days a year I'm not sure but that's how they feel and they're all furious with me. None of them has a clue about caring for Mum, I could put her in a home permanently, but I can't even bear the thought. This brings me to my question, can I 'sign Mum over' to social services? Can I say I am no longer in a position to look after her and no one else in the family can and they'll take over her care? I've had little dealings with social services so any insight gratefully received - or if you have other ideas to get my family off my back that still results in my Mum being cared for...............
This sounds all so familiar and you have much sympathy from me! My sister likes to criticise and psychoanalyse me but does very little to help with mum and flounces off if I do anything that doesn’t suit her! Mum’s needs are growing, but the idea of investigating care homes is met with total resistance! I too sometimes just feel like withdrawing support but then I would feel so guilty! Sorry I can’t be of practical help/advice but please feel you aren’t alone and your feelings are valid!!!
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
2,292
0
cornwall
Hi. I hope things have improved a little. I have stepped back from caring for my dad for 5/12 years. I have no siblings. Dad has carers 4 times a day now and has no overnight care. But I can do no more. So I have handed him over to SS . So yes you can hand your mum over to them. After all they have Duty of Care..
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
19
0
Hi. I hope things have improved a little. I have stepped back from caring for my dad for 5/12 years. I have no siblings. Dad has carers 4 times a day now and has no overnight care. But I can do no more. So I have handed him over to SS . So yes you can hand your mum over to them. After all they have Duty of Care..
Hi, thanks for that. I think that's where I am at now, handing Mum over to social services. My family literally do not care anymore, they don't acknowledge me just criticise, complain and say I have a bad attitude. I am going to ask which of them will take over my Mum's care. It is not her fault, at all, and I am completely heartbroken. I just don't see any other option.
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
19
0
I actually can't quite believe what has gone on the past few days I hope I explain this properly becuase I am still bewildered. Aunt visited, she then got covid symptoms and went nuts saying my Mum had a really hacking cough and absolutely must get a pcr test because she has given her covid. Not a single carer or me noted a hacking cough. Proceeded to commence lateral flow testing as discussed with the care company and isolating Mum, Mum didn't want to go out let alone a 1-1.5 hour round trip for a pcr test and I'm not in the habit of forcing her, Mum tested positive 3 days later! So, not happy with leaving me to deal with things, my Aunt calls social services to report me for neglect, calls the care company to complain to them and calls my Mum's doctors where she 'claims' to have had a conversation about my Mum and her health with her GP and makes a home appointment. I bump into the man from the Dr's at my Mum's door, inform him she had tested positive on a lateral flow the day before and a pcr test has been posted off..He can see Mum standing at the door breathing normally - not coughing - I tell him he is welcome to come in and examine Mum properly to confirm she is, in fact, fine but he declines with the risk of covid and no actual signs of ill-health he sees no reason...Aunt's gone nuts saying she is surprised I didn't allow the man in, she thinks I should have gotten Mum a 'professional' pcr test and that has called all of these people to 'protect her sister' from what I actually don't know. Aunt then reported me for not isolating to track & trace even though I don't have to, as a carer I can continue going in wearing ppe and doing daily lateral flow tests. None of the family are backing me up. They seem to have a warped idea that I should consult them on all aspects of Mum's care, like a committee where they all make the decision and I go enact that decision - I've told them in the past I won't do this. So, to my questions.
1. Should the Dr's have made an appointment without my knowledge? There is only me with permission to access and discuss my Mum's records and it's noted she needs a chaperone.
2. Can I blanket ban the care company from discussing any aspects of Mum's care with any other family members? I feel it would be easier than trying to say who can/can't.
3. What would you do, given the situation?

I just fell I want to give up now, I've had enough of them all - a stop the bus kind of situation.
 

Lemondrizzle

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
197
0
Oh Gosh, what a nightmare for you.

1. I think the doctor was right to act on information given, but most certainly should not have been discussing anything with anyone else. From their point of view, they needed to make sure there wasn't a safeguarding issue. You should discuss the difficulties with them though.

2. We did. I got so fed up with MIL's sister interfering (she really didn't understand the effects of dementia and still doesn't) we told the care company they weren't to have discussions with the family.

3. I'd tell them to go swing! Seriously though I don't think there is much you can do except tell every authority/organisation that you have dealings with that you have an aunt who appears to have mental health problems who is making malicious referrals. Cut off anyone you can. My tactic would be to simply not speak to anyone who is not being supportive but I don't know how practical that is for you.

Sending you big hugs.
 

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