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Family judgement

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
11
0
Hi, I'm carer for my Mum, she's declined lots because of lockdowns. My siblings live nearby, one visits Mum when he can the other doesn't seem to care. My Aunt, Mum's sister lives further away. I can't seem to do anything right, I did a lot of research around the covid vaccine and got trolled by my family over it. I gave permission for Mum to have the vaccine then my family say it was the wrong one because she was really ill off it, yet it was me up at 2am nursing her through and then feeding her because she was too ill to hold a spoon. I'm researching care homes as I see Mum will need one at some point fairly soon, I want to be prepared, my Aunt says Mums will not be going into a care home. My cousin says Mum should be on a low carb, low fat, low sugar diet but doesn't seem to grasp that would I mean I would be preparing 28 meals per week (4 small meals a day). I work part time, dropped my hours to look after Mum more. If I say anything I'm being confrontational. I'm in my 30's and always prioritise Mums care but I want a life too, as much as is possible at the moment...sorry for the rant, I just don't feel anyone understands and maybe someone can offer some advice - how does one deal with a difficult family? I don't want to fall out with them any of them but it's getting me down. Tia.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,972
0
N Ireland
Hello @Kaths and welcome to the forum. I hope you find this to be a friendly and supportive place.

You aren't alone in having family problems when it comes to caring. You are right when you say that you are entitled to a life. Maybe the family can offer some actual help, rather than advice.

In any case, it sounds like both you and your mum need support and both of you are entitled to a needs assessment, If you click the link I'll put up in a moment you can read about how that system works.

Beyond that do keep posting as you will get support here.
 

Prof’s wife

New member
Mar 2, 2021
3
0
Hi, I'm carer for my Mum, she's declined lots because of lockdowns. My siblings live nearby, one visits Mum when he can the other doesn't seem to care. My Aunt, Mum's sister lives further away. I can't seem to do anything right, I did a lot of research around the covid vaccine and got trolled by my family over it. I gave permission for Mum to have the vaccine then my family say it was the wrong one because she was really ill off it, yet it was me up at 2am nursing her through and then feeding her because she was too ill to hold a spoon. I'm researching care homes as I see Mum will need one at some point fairly soon, I want to be prepared, my Aunt says Mums will not be going into a care home. My cousin says Mum should be on a low carb, low fat, low sugar diet but doesn't seem to grasp that would I mean I would be preparing 28 meals per week (4 small meals a day). I work part time, dropped my hours to look after Mum more. If I say anything I'm being confrontational. I'm in my 30's and always prioritise Mums care but I want a life too, as much as is possible at the moment...sorry for the rant, I just don't feel anyone understands and maybe someone can offer some advice - how does one deal with a difficult family? I don't want to fall out with them any of them but it's getting me down. Tia.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I’m afraid I have no solutions, but I would want you to know that you are wonderful, caring for your Mum. Please also care for yourself.
 

Robert b

Registered User
Jan 19, 2021
17
0
52
Bradford West Yorkshire
Sorry to her about your mum you are do a very good job with your mum look after your mum and your self as well. I care for my dad his late stages. And lost my mum last month . Been strong
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
11
0
Thank you for the replies, means a lot I'm not actually alone!
With regards to support, Mum has carer visits and I'm in contact with a local charity that provide 2 hours 121 a week for Mum, that's it. A nurse at the GP's has looked into it and was stunned to find I was right that there's a huge gap in services. Maybe it's where you live...
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,497
0
West Hertfordshire
All these people, all have an opinion and will happily share it - but will they get down and actually get their hands dirty? Usually not.

Are we given to assume diabetes is present? if mum is insulin dependant, then yes carbs and sugar should be considered. What is important is that she has a balenced diet- i am sure you are doing that anyway. Maybe the armchair expert cousin could do some batch cooking for you. - if not, she needs to keep her beak out. We should all eat low fat low sugar low carb really - but who does?

Likewise your Aunt- what role does she play? Once lockdown is over, casually drop into convo that you are thinking about some respite care- you'd like a holiday. Aunt objects to her going into a home for it.... suggest she has her....see if she changes her tune. If she cares for her for a week or two maybe she'll get it.

be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can- thats good enough
 

Adoralan

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
49
0
Totally agree with Jessbow, so many armchair experts. If they aren't prepared to help, they should be supportive or shut up. Just wondering what your situation is, do you live with mum, or have a home / family of your own to cope with as well? Unfortunately, you have ended up taking on all the care responsibilities because you care too much to not do it and everyone else around you is taking advantage of that. Managing families is always difficult - you don't want to upset them, but they don't seem to mind upsetting you, or else are insensitive and unaware that their possibly "well meaning" comments are upsetting you. If you want to avoid confrontation, I can only suggest you remind yourself every day of Eleanor Roosevelt's excellent statement "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - you are the one who is taking care of your mum right now, you are doing the best you can (which is all anyone can ask for) and the others around you don't know what they are talking about because they aren't the ones doing it! Be proud of yourself, and refuse to let anyone put you down.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,814
0
Hi @Kaths, this is a rally supportive place and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
I'm sorry that your mum had an adverse reaction to the covid vaccine, but I imagine you had no choice over which one you had, I've certainly not heard of anyone being asked that question. I hope she is feeling better now, and you can just ignore unhelpful comments from anyone else.
Do you have things such as Lasting Power of Attorney in place? You can do this yourself and your mum just needs to understand in the moment what it is for. If you think it is too late to organise you can apply for Deputyship. My sister in law is in the process of organising this for her mother as the family have left it too late for Lasting Power of Attorney, it is more complicated but doable. You will need one or the other to organise her finances.
It is probably a good idea to start looking at care homes now. I certainly found with my mother things were manageable until suddenly they weren't. This site Care Home UK is a good place to start. A move to a care home doesn't mean you stop caring just that you move your mother to a place where she gets the twenty-four hours care she needs. I know that during the current crisis things are brilliant when it comes to visiting, but this should improve over the next few months.
I agree with @Jessbow, that if your aunt or any other family suggests that you aren't doing what they think is the right thing they step up and get involved. Sometimes people who don't see the person with dementia (PWD) that often get a false idea of how capable they are. I used to see my mum a couple of times a week and then email my brother about the visit. He thought all my reports of mum being vile to me and very delusional were due to me rubbing her up the wrong way or misunderstanding her. He changed his mind when mum stayed with him a few days and she had a mega meltdown over something she thought he had done. This ability to sound fine for short periods of time is called 'host/hostess' mode round here and can be really annoying. Mum was brilliant at sounding like a competent and very together person specially when doctors were involved.
Keep posting, and in the meantime have a look round the forums. The search bar at the top is a good way to find topics that might be of interest.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
425
0
Hello @Kaths
Sometimes family members just don't understand you are trying your best to support the person with Dementia. I endured a lot of painful criticism from my sister when I had to change how much I could support my dad due to my partners health ( Parkinson's ). In the end we just struggled communicating as she could never be civil to me. I tried my best dad had care visits four times a day plus sister and I going in but eventually I cut my visits to around 4 times a week in afternoons and sister was at dads every morning cooking him a breakfast which I had been doing every other day for three years prior to change in circumstances in my own home.
I think you are doing a great job and criticism from family members is not only unwarranted but extremely unkind it can take a toll on your own mental health and wellbeing. We lost our dad in January this year just 7 weeks after he was admitted to a Care Home to be accessed by ASC but his health declined further and hospital admittance discovered a bleed in his stomach and a small stroke. I was approached by the Care Home regarding dad having the vaccination for Covid but dad was already deemed End Of Life when he was returned to them and also Nil By Mouth as swallowing was not possible so I said for dad not to be given it. The Care Home said they were obliged to ask, my dad actually passed away a day or two later he did actually have a Covid positive test which came through day before he died but did not have it put on the Death Certificate by attending GP. I assume he was a case of dying with Covid not because of it.
I think you were absolutely right in getting your mum vaccinated I have had it recently I caught from visiting dad its a nasty virus and I was so ill I had to spend four days in hospital, missed dads funeral and now on medication for 3-6 months as developed a clot in my lung. You are so young still you do deserve to live your own life so yes look into Care Homes if you feel mum is going to need more help than you and other family members can offer her. Personally I felt my dad needed to go into a Care Home way before he did but my sister wouldn't hear of it plus dad didn't want to think about leaving his home and ASC would have to fund a Care Home as dad did not own property or have excessive funds so they were not in a hurry to get him placed in one. Eventually dads carers couldn't cope with him and that is why he was placed in a Care Home for assessment.
Take Care of yourself too its a a horrible part of your life now but you will get through it and everyone on here are fantastic at giving advice and support.
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
11
0
All these people, all have an opinion and will happily share it - but will they get down and actually get their hands dirty? Usually not.

Are we given to assume diabetes is present? if mum is insulin dependant, then yes carbs and sugar should be considered. What is important is that she has a balenced diet- i am sure you are doing that anyway. Maybe the armchair expert cousin could do some batch cooking for you. - if not, she needs to keep her beak out. We should all eat low fat low sugar low carb really - but who does?

Likewise your Aunt- what role does she play? Once lockdown is over, casually drop into convo that you are thinking about some respite care- you'd like a holiday. Aunt objects to her going into a home for it.... suggest she has her....see if she changes her tune. If she cares for her for a week or two maybe she'll get it.

be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can- thats good enough
Hi, thanks for your comment. Mum is diabetic but not insulin. She has balanced diet some home made meals and some ready meals from a company that specialises in meals for the older/less mobile person and they're all nutritionally balanced small meals. Mum developed a serious sweet tooth for cake so I bake with no sugar or plant based alternatives that have much less glucose impact.
My Aunt is in her 70's, is very fit and active but I really don't think she'd cope for a day with Mum, although I'm sure she'd say differently. I'm sure you know, people with dementia can be very tiresome so care for especially when having a particularly bad day. I sometimes wonder if Aunt doesn't really get how much worse her sister has gotten with Aunt not being able to travel to visit (lives 2 hours away) even though I tell her in great detail, she does phone her sister almost daily.

Thank you for saying that, your worst critic is always yourself!
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
11
0
Totally agree with Jessbow, so many armchair experts. If they aren't prepared to help, they should be supportive or shut up. Just wondering what your situation is, do you live with mum, or have a home / family of your own to cope with as well? Unfortunately, you have ended up taking on all the care responsibilities because you care too much to not do it and everyone else around you is taking advantage of that. Managing families is always difficult - you don't want to upset them, but they don't seem to mind upsetting you, or else are insensitive and unaware that their possibly "well meaning" comments are upsetting you. If you want to avoid confrontation, I can only suggest you remind yourself every day of Eleanor Roosevelt's excellent statement "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - you are the one who is taking care of your mum right now, you are doing the best you can (which is all anyone can ask for) and the others around you don't know what they are talking about because they aren't the ones doing it! Be proud of yourself, and refuse to let anyone put you down.
Thanks for your reply.
Mum lives in a retirement apartment in the same town as me, she was independent when she moved there. I have my own home and work 3 days a week, sometimes more, with teenagers.
I think you're right, I'm letting them upset me and I should just remind them they're welcome to help more if they'd like.
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
11
0
@Sarasa no, no choice in vaccine although two Dr's said they wouldn't recommend the Pfizer one become Mum has allergies. I have LPA, Mum set it up herself years ago before she was ill, I also have a joint bank account with her, access to medical records etc. I will say the local GP surgery do their best so I'm lucky in that respect. I have tentatively started to look at care homes so I'll have a look at that website, thank you.
I think you may be right in saying perhaps people don't realise, thinking about it Mum has gotten a lot worse in the last 12 months and my Aunt has seen her maybe 3 times because of covid travel restrictions (she lives 2 hours away) and although speaks almost daily on the phone it just isn't the same. I have not heard of the host/hostess terms before and now you say it, it fits right in with my situation.
Thank you for replying.
 
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Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
11
0
Hello @Kaths
Sometimes family members just don't understand you are trying your best to support the person with Dementia. I endured a lot of painful criticism from my sister when I had to change how much I could support my dad due to my partners health ( Parkinson's ). In the end we just struggled communicating as she could never be civil to me. I tried my best dad had care visits four times a day plus sister and I going in but eventually I cut my visits to around 4 times a week in afternoons and sister was at dads every morning cooking him a breakfast which I had been doing every other day for three years prior to change in circumstances in my own home.
I think you are doing a great job and criticism from family members is not only unwarranted but extremely unkind it can take a toll on your own mental health and wellbeing. We lost our dad in January this year just 7 weeks after he was admitted to a Care Home to be accessed by ASC but his health declined further and hospital admittance discovered a bleed in his stomach and a small stroke. I was approached by the Care Home regarding dad having the vaccination for Covid but dad was already deemed End Of Life when he was returned to them and also Nil By Mouth as swallowing was not possible so I said for dad not to be given it. The Care Home said they were obliged to ask, my dad actually passed away a day or two later he did actually have a Covid positive test which came through day before he died but did not have it put on the Death Certificate by attending GP. I assume he was a case of dying with Covid not because of it.
I think you were absolutely right in getting your mum vaccinated I have had it recently I caught from visiting dad its a nasty virus and I was so ill I had to spend four days in hospital, missed dads funeral and now on medication for 3-6 months as developed a clot in my lung. You are so young still you do deserve to live your own life so yes look into Care Homes if you feel mum is going to need more help than you and other family members can offer her. Personally I felt my dad needed to go into a Care Home way before he did but my sister wouldn't hear of it plus dad didn't want to think about leaving his home and ASC would have to fund a Care Home as dad did not own property or have excessive funds so they were not in a hurry to get him placed in one. Eventually dads carers couldn't cope with him and that is why he was placed in a Care Home for assessment.
Take Care of yourself too its a a horrible part of your life now but you will get through it and everyone on here are fantastic at giving advice and support.
I am sorry to hear of your tough times and saddened for your loss, I hope your father passed peacefully. I hope you are getting better and your managing with caring for your partner and, at some point, you can reconnect with your sister also, perhaps she needs to read some of the forums on here, it really does seem there is a lack of understanding!
I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my mind that the need for a care home will be sudden and clearly, it can be that way. I will continue to try and prepare for it, or as much as you can be. It's such a tricky decision but it's Mum safety and wellbeing that should be the top priority not the wants/needs of others around her.
Take care.
 

Lemondrizzle

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
162
0
My MIL could hold a reasonably coherent conversation with her sister until she stopped using the phone all of a sudden. This made it very hard to make the aunt see how bad she was, although I suspect a large element of head in the sand was coming into play. There was one occasion when we were at the aunt's and my OH logged into the security cameras to show his aunt everything was okay as she hadn't been able to contact MIL. Unfortunately MIL was having a vacant moment, completely ignoring my OH calling her to say hello and ignoring the ringing phone. I had seen this before and knew it just needed time for her to "come to". There was quite a lot of heated words as the aunt was keen to tell us what to do, not so keen to help. Eventually I was proved right but my relationship with the aunt has never recovered.
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
11
0
My MIL could hold a reasonably coherent conversation with her sister until she stopped using the phone all of a sudden. This made it very hard to make the aunt see how bad she was, although I suspect a large element of head in the sand was coming into play. There was one occasion when we were at the aunt's and my OH logged into the security cameras to show his aunt everything was okay as she hadn't been able to contact MIL. Unfortunately MIL was having a vacant moment, completely ignoring my OH calling her to say hello and ignoring the ringing phone. I had seen this before and knew it just needed time for her to "come to". There was quite a lot of heated words as the aunt was keen to tell us what to do, not so keen to help. Eventually I was proved right but my relationship with the aunt has never recovered.
This is the sort of thing I worry about, falling out. I already get random calls from my Aunt saying she can't get hold of my Mum on the phone expecting me do go something about it, I don't even know what I could do...I think I'm resigned to everything being a battle at some point 😔
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
107
0
I have a lot of experts in my family... ! Who have done very little to help. Because they are not dealing with it all they don't realise how stressful it is and how anxious you are. I didn't manage to get by without a HUGE family fall out but my lot pushed it to the limit of what can be tolerated. Most people mean well. If you value your relationships with them maybe a chat when your feeling calm might help them see from your perspective.
 

Kaths

Registered User
Mar 2, 2021
11
0
It's not going well. I withdrew from the family WhatsApp group that was ostensibly setup to assist with the care of my Mum but did little but create me more stress and anxiety. I did explain my decision calmly but it's gone down like a led balloon and all the back seat drivers are annoyed they can no longer dictate. The brothers barely speak to me and my Aunt it completely ignoring me, to the point she has planned a visit to see her sister without telling me, clearly I have no issue with her visiting just that she usually stays with me - I am unsure if it is meant as a slight. It's ironic that the one person I want to talk to about all this is my Mum. I know she would be upset with my brothers and her sister and not me. Not a single one of them takes a second to think how I am feeling slowly losing my Mum right in front of my eyes day after day after day.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,227
0
Southampton
It's not going well. I withdrew from the family WhatsApp group that was ostensibly setup to assist with the care of my Mum but did little but create me more stress and anxiety. I did explain my decision calmly but it's gone down like a led balloon and all the back seat drivers are annoyed they can no longer dictate. The brothers barely speak to me and my Aunt it completely ignoring me, to the point she has planned a visit to see her sister without telling me, clearly I have no issue with her visiting just that she usually stays with me - I am unsure if it is meant as a slight. It's ironic that the one person I want to talk to about all this is my Mum. I know she would be upset with my brothers and her sister and not me. Not a single one of them takes a second to think how I am feeling slowly losing my Mum right in front of my eyes day after day after day.
im sorry you are going through this, you shouldnt be taking the flack
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,939
0
South coast
The brothers barely speak to me and my Aunt it completely ignoring me, to the point she has planned a visit to see her sister without telling me, clearly I have no issue with her visiting just that she usually stays with me -
Well, if they are not speaking to you at least you cant hear their criticism!!
Your aunt going to see your mum without any of your involvement might turn out to be a good thing as she might see more of what her sister is actually like, especially if she is going to be staying with her. Id be inclined to let her get on with it.