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Family in denial and GP not helping.

Deb F

New member
Sep 21, 2021
3
0
I strongly suspect my 80yr old mother in law has dementia. Conversations are on a loop the same conversation over and over again. She has paranoia snd is in complete denial as is the rest of the family. She’s forgetting to wash or shower. We have spent two years trying to get her to the GP for an assessment each time she flies into a rage and refuses to leave the house. Because of Covid the surgery won’t come out to her. And we have made 4 apts which she has flown into a rage and refused to go. She is now becoming agrophobic and keeps making up stories about the neighbours pretending to take their mother out for the day and then dumping her in a home. So now she won’t leave the house. Her husband is 85 and has had a few mini strokes he’s doing his best but just gives in to her. He needs help as it’s taking its toll on him. My husband is at their beck and call despite working full time and the stress is affecting his health. How can we get her assessed if she refuses to leave the house?
 

Deb F

New member
Sep 21, 2021
3
0
Covid has just given people a cop out. The first apt was a telephone triage we tried to ask dr to call when my husband was there to explain. They didn’t they called my mother in law instead and she told them she didn’t need an apt so they just left it. But thank you I will try to write to them and see if they will help us.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,704
0
West Hertfordshire
My Late dad used to give in to My mum, It was only fter he'd gone that we realised that it was to make life easie for himself and to avoid conflict.

Even if you do gt her to Dr nd get a formal diagnosis, what do you want to change?
You can get help in without a diagnosis, but do understand that having the diagnosis wont actually make M in L believe anything other than she believes today and will probably resist help.

Try & Supprt F in law in making his day to day life as easy as you can- he is living with it
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,130
0
Essex
Dear @Deb F,

I think you may need to make an appointment with the doctor for yourself and try and see if the doctor can come out to you. Also try contacting your local authority and see if they have a dementia friend contact who can advise you as to what is available.

MaNaAk
 

Arthur ASCII

Registered User
Jan 17, 2019
67
0
Northamptonshire, UK
My Late dad used to give in to My mum, It was only fter he'd gone that we realised that it was to make life easie for himself and to avoid conflict.

Even if you do gt her to Dr nd get a formal diagnosis, what do you want to change?
You can get help in without a diagnosis, but do understand that having the diagnosis wont actually make M in L believe anything other than she believes today and will probably resist help.

Try & Supprt F in law in making his day to day life as easy as you can- he is living with it
A visit to the doctor is IMPERATIVE. This lady's problems may not be dementia-related. There are a host of other possible medical reasons for her behaviour which might have treatments to ease her symptoms.
Yesterday was World Dementia Day, and this year's push was to ask people to see their GP with any signs of memory loss as early as possible.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,731
0
Yorkshire
hello @Deb F
a warm welcome to DTP
a tricky situation for all concerned

might your father-in-law make an appointment for himself, especially as he has his own health issues, trying to insist on a face to face consultation, so he can discuss the situation and how it is affecting him

he can certainly send in a letter outlining his wife's behaviour and his concerns which the GP has to note, though they may not discuss anything with him (some do) due to patient confidentiality ... you can suggest to him that he also asks for a referral to Social Services for support

in any discussions, don't mention dementia as it sounds as though your m-i-l does grasp that something is wrong and is fearful, quite understandably .... there are other causes of dementia like symptoms eg vitamin deficiency, so maybe say you've heard all over 75s are advised to get that checked before winter, along with a flu jab ... might get past her defences ... though harder if she doesn't agres to leave the house

her husband is almost doing the best thing in not arguing with his wife ... no reasoning or explaining is likely to change her mind over any issue, she believes even knows, she's right, so better to not engage, change the subject or retreat, and distract with something she enjoys eg a favourite TV programme or food treat ... anything that will not build up her resistance and will keep her as settled as possible
suggestions on this thread may help

he, and you, can contact their Local Authority Adult Services (details on theor website) and ask for an assessment of care needs for them both ... they are entitled to this ... hopefully a care package will then be suggested ... though it still depends on one or both accepting support ... neither have to have a dementia diagnosis, the assessment is based on the care they need for whatever reason

will your f-i-l take into account that getting support in place now will take some strain from him so he's able to care for his wife for longer at home ... if he is ill or hospitalised, he can't support his wife

if they have income and savings, you can organise home care visits yourself ... or maybe look into a cleaner and meals on wheels to begin to help them

this is about paying for care

and the support directory

do look into arranging LPAs too,for both of them, tell them you are doing them for yourselves so they don't feel 'picked out' .... they will ease things for your husband, in the future
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
I strongly suspect my 80yr old mother in law has dementia. Conversations are on a loop the same conversation over and over again. She has paranoia snd is in complete denial as is the rest of the family. She’s forgetting to wash or shower. We have spent two years trying to get her to the GP for an assessment each time she flies into a rage and refuses to leave the house. Because of Covid the surgery won’t come out to her. And we have made 4 apts which she has flown into a rage and refused to go. She is now becoming agrophobic and keeps making up stories about the neighbours pretending to take their mother out for the day and then dumping her in a home. So now she won’t leave the house. Her husband is 85 and has had a few mini strokes he’s doing his best but just gives in to her. He needs help as it’s taking its toll on him. My husband is at their beck and call despite working full time and the stress is affecting his health. How can we get her assessed if she refuses to leave the house?
Contact social services & raise this
as your parents are both vulnerable adults.

Your Mum is terrified as she is aware of issues, & early meds can help with dementia issues.. Your husband needs to write to your Dads GP with health concerns.

My Mum was the same in denial! It made life very difficult
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,130
0
Essex
hello @Deb F
a warm welcome to DTP
a tricky situation for all concerned

might your father-in-law make an appointment for himself, especially as he has his own health issues, trying to insist on a face to face consultation, so he can discuss the situation and how it is affecting him

he can certainly send in a letter outlining his wife's behaviour and his concerns which the GP has to note, though they may not discuss anything with him (some do) due to patient confidentiality ... you can suggest to him that he also asks for a referral to Social Services for support

in any discussions, don't mention dementia as it sounds as though your m-i-l does grasp that something is wrong and is fearful, quite understandably .... there are other causes of dementia like symptoms eg vitamin deficiency, so maybe say you've heard all over 75s are advised to get that checked before winter, along with a flu jab ... might get past her defences ... though harder if she doesn't agres to leave the house

her husband is almost doing the best thing in not arguing with his wife ... no reasoning or explaining is likely to change her mind over any issue, she believes even knows, she's right, so better to not engage, change the subject or retreat, and distract with something she enjoys eg a favourite TV programme or food treat ... anything that will not build up her resistance and will keep her as settled as possible
suggestions on this thread may help

he, and you, can contact their Local Authority Adult Services (details on theor website) and ask for an assessment of care needs for them both ... they are entitled to this ... hopefully a care package will then be suggested ... though it still depends on one or both accepting support ... neither have to have a dementia diagnosis, the assessment is based on the care they need for whatever reason

will your f-i-l take into account that getting support in place now will take some strain from him so he's able to care for his wife for longer at home ... if he is ill or hospitalised, he can't support his wife

if they have income and savings, you can organise home care visits yourself ... or maybe look into a cleaner and meals on wheels to begin to help them

this is about paying for care

and the support directory

do look into arranging LPAs too,for both of them, tell them you are doing them for yourselves so they don't feel 'picked out' .... they will ease things for your husband, in the future
Yes I agree and I should have said that your father-in-law needs to make an appointment for himself as he cannot be expected to cope with this.

Good luck

MaNaAk
 

Countryboy

Registered User
Mar 17, 2005
1,660
0
South West
Not sure what Help you expect to get , I have dementia and for what it’s worth the last time I actually saw anyone regarding my Dementia from the Memory Clinic was a home visit in May 2015 just over six years ago probably the last time I saw a Consultant or GP regarding my Dementia is probably 2014, Ok for me that’s not an issue I have my Donepezil every month I’m not sure what a GP or Consultant could actually do for me medically and I'm 78 and retired
Not on Benifits and I haven't got a carer other than I'm married and we take care of each other