Blooddiamond
I think you have got a bit of stick from this site, which is most unusual.
I am sure everyone means well, they always do.
Just for me to say I can't advise. I have no brother or sister, no family at all to either help or hinder. It can be very loney in such a situation, but on the other hand there are no arguments.
Sit down with your brother, forget who does the most work, the most visiting, that doesn't necessarily indicate the most caring, cast off past arguments, and get down to what is best for your mum and dad. It seems like a care home is on the cards for your mum, so go together to look at some, at least 4. There is some good advice to you on this thread. The "nose test" is the first to apply. But don't be too prescriptive in what you are looking for, bear in mind what your MUM wants, not what YOU want. We all want a hotel with excellent food, en suite shower, lots of mental stimulation, trips out, etc. You won't get it all, and when, like me, you have chosen a home with lots of mental stimulation and you find your mother isn't remotely interested in taking advantage of it, you wonder why you bothered. She is more interested in the other people in the home, has "made friends" with a totally unsuitable woman, but she is happy about it. The woman had been in the hospital with her previously, so familiarity was important to mum.
At first, she complained about the food. Now she says the food is good. Then she complained about the staff, they weren't nice, now she has friends amongst the staff. She complained that no-one did her washing, now they are great at washing. It all takes a little time.
But don't take offence from some of the mails on this thread. We all know you are in a **** situation, we are lots of us in the same situation, and we just don't know what is the best way to turn. At the end of the day, you can only do your best. You can't do any better.
Hope it all turns out okay. Let us know.
Love
Margaret