Family conflict!

[Limana68]

HI there
I posted a while back re my Mum... she has now been in a nursing home since December after previously living with me and my family for nearly 5 yrs.
Mum has been diagnosed with frontal lobe syndrome, which the consultant told us in a meeting mast mth.Basically she has good days and bad days, can be very moody and aggressive, then be as nice as you like.
I have took over keeping an eye on her money, and have organised her pension to be paid into her bank, so its kept in one place( I am now her appointee)so have kept both her pension card and bank card until I know all in sorted out so I can then close her post office account.
I have 3 older brothers, two of which live nearby, one lives abroad but is there for me emotionally. The other two are in the same town as me, one is a selfish person, and the other is okay, but tends to see mum when he feels like it etc etc.
I have a hubby who is disabled, 2 young kids and also work full time, and have managed to juggle this for years ( until last Dec) but still manage to visit Mum twice a wk, used to be every other day until I knew I had to let go.
Anyway, my middle brother and I had a big fall out today when he has accused me of keeping Mums bank cards and then there wasnt enough left in the home to buy her some slippers. ( I usually am told by the manager when money is running low (I normally draw some out of her acct for her hair etc).
Now I havent yet thought about power of attorney, as I was quite happy to manage things myself, but now am thinking maybe I should? My brother has basically made me feel like a thief! I have spoken to Mum about POA previously but she dosnt really get it to be honest so am wondering what the best thing is to do. I take it Mum needs to know all about the POA and agree with it?

Thanks for any responses

Li xx
Anyone been in this position?

 

[sandra21155]

I have just posted about Power of attorney 5 minutes ago.
so I'm sorry I can't give you any advice . Beginning to feel lucky I don't have any brothers or sisters so have no one to disagree with me. We do the best we can at the time. Just try not to let him annoy you.

 

[bunnies]

Sounds like it's too late for POA, as your mother would have to understand what it means.

I would think it a bit much for a family member to criticise in this way, when it was clearly just an oversight and he wasn't doing anything to help. I suppose you could ask him if would like to manage the money side, but I'd be inclined to ignore him. (Even if you had POA, the same sort of accusations could fly..)

 

[Saffie]

Does your mother own her home? If not and there are no other savings apart fromher pension, an Appointeeship should be sufficient.

 

[blightygirl]

Am sorry you had a fall-out.. and I hope you can get things back on track.
I cant tell you what to do, but I know if it was me in this situation, I'd tell him that you've done nothing wrong, you're doing your very best to help your mum, and leave it at that. After all, you know yourself those things, so you can hold your head up high. I dont suppose much will change his mind if that's what he wants to believe. And why did he not offer to treat his mum to some slippers if it was such a big deal to him?!

Good luck with it all, and btw, sounds like you're doing an amazing job sorting everything out!

 

[SWMBO1950]

I second Blightygirl's comments

Am sorry you had a fall-out.. and I hope you can get things back on track.
I cant tell you what to do, but I know if it was me in this situation, I'd tell him that you've done nothing wrong, you're doing your very best to help your mum, and leave it at that. After all, you know yourself those things, so you can hold your head up high. I dont suppose much will change his mind if that's what he wants to believe. And why did he not offer to treat his mum to some slippers if it was such a big deal to him?!

Good luck with it all, and btw, sounds like you're doing an amazing job sorting everything out!

 

[Chemmy]

Thirded

 

[eastiesgir]

fourthed
I sort of know where you are coming from. I just told the person who questioned me that if he wanted to do the whole appointeeship etc he was welcome to.....welcome to the headache and stress (as much as we are happy to do the job it does come with pressure)as well. The person in question backed right down when he was offered the chance to do the job, and has never questioned me again!
Good luck

 

[Onlyme]

welcome to the headache and stress (as much as we are happy to do the job it does come with pressure)as well. The person in question backed right down when he was offered the chance to do the job, and has never questioned me again!

Oh the joys of having Invisibles in your life. You could almost say that they spend time trying to think up things to make our lives from difficult. Its face it they have plenty of time on their hands as they do nothing else.

 

[Limana68]

Thanks for your replies, my hubby and older brother also told me to just let things go,that they are a pair of wasters - but I do take things to heart, I cant help it, I have had visions of him and my other brother slagging me off now to each other. I have previously had to take time off work due to depression/stress due to all this with my Mum and I am trying to keep on top of it all.
I have left a mesg for the nurse who is my Mums keyworker to call me, just to tell her that if Mum needs anything to let me know and I will organize it and not to ask my brother. My brother seems to think( or wants to think) Mum still has all her faculties and just dosnt get it when I say that I have to keep an eye on things, he seems to think I am doing it to take control of her, which in part is true but only because I care.
Anyway I just have a really sicky feeling in my stomach today as I hate falling out with people-its a shame you can choose your family hey!

 

[Limana68]

Oh by the way he also speaks to me like I am still his baby sister-not a 44yr old woman!

I have started writing things down in a little book I bought and keeping receipts etc, its a shame it has come to this!

 

[Limana68]

Saffie no she dosnt own her own home, she lived with me for past 5 yrs, and now just gets a small pension but has full NHS funding.

 

[piedwarbler]

I write down everything I spend of Mum's in a book too, it just is a record of her incomings and outgoings, but I have PoA too. If you do want to try and do it, your brother would be informed and he could object, I think they have 4 weeks or something to raise queries, I and my sister act jointly and severally as PoAs, though this means in effect that I do the lot. X