Thank you for your support it means a lot
There are some things which are factual, yet not really perceived as such at the time. The
'breaking point' when the move into Care becomes not only inevitable, but actually leaves you
little choice - unless one is willing to enter the domain of complete breakdown which embraces
all - both carer and the one who is being cared for. This is I know personally.
And then, the transition comes and that too is very hard. An alien environment into which the
one you love and know so intimately, enters without choice. The feelings of helplessness, guilt
and a kind of heartache which is new to the whole emotional arena. Then, once back home,
that 'emptiness' that terribly hollow feeling of an absence. The all so familiar reminders - the
empty room, or chair, that last newspaper which might have been read, or a card on a
sideboard celebrating a birthday and so on. And perhaps most of all, no longer the 'voice'
which called to you so often from the bedroom or the lounge.
But once in Care, things happen which are positive, even although for a time this seems
virtually impossible to contemplate. Firstly, the 'breaking point' which was imminent or looming up, no longer exists. The daily angst, the sheer toil of physical care, the constant 'ifs
and buts' which prevail throughout close and loving care, the worry, the restless nights, the
overall pattern of what it truly means to care for a loved one living with dementia - this not only
changes, but you soon discover that there is a personal transition which takes place. The initial visits to the Care Home are raw and often difficult for all the reasons cited - but it usually
takes months for a loved one to 'settle' into a Care Home and when there is proper person-
centred care in place, that can prove to be positive too. Then your outlook changes and
adapts to being a Carer, maybe not as before in the sense of being there and directly providing
the care, but STILL with all the fundamental meaning of that word intact. Your love for the one
now domiciled elsewhere, grows ever stronger. You are free of much angst (the daily routine of washing, meals, cleaning, medication, constant attention to everything appertaining to the
care and welfare of a loved one). All of that is now being handled by a Staff and if handled
correctly ,is to the benefit of your loved one. That is what CARE means and it should be seen as something imperative, above compromise or regulation or all the rest of it -- simply put, CARE equates to all that has gone before when you were the Carer. In the Home where
I work, I will gently suggest to new Carers that the person seated before them, living with a
dementia, "is your own mother ...". Then everything becomes clear in terms of 'Care'. You do not require book nor tutor to understand that. Just listen to your heart and the clarity of
your own mind.
So, yes, this transition is hard. Dementia is extremely hard and touches all who come within its proximity. Yet, the one who is living with it has no choice whatsoever. Nor do we as carers
when 'breaking point' becomes a fact of life.
Just allow yourself that interim time to enable this new world of 'removed' Care to merge into a
regime which becomes easier, more familiar, more 'natural'. And that so often used term
'best interests' is always fixated somewhere in the back of one's mind, as a guide rope. Above
all, YOU are still there where it matters -- in the heart.
With warmest wishes.
I am full of admiration for you! 
