@FionaP, your post brings back so many memories! You are witnessing, so trust your instincts that there is something wrong. Okay, it might not be dementia, but it does need investigation.
When Mum first started showing signs, the person who bore the brunt was Dad. At first, as I lived nearby but not in the same house, I honestly thought Mum was just getting down because she wasn't getting out and about as much due to her age and her eyesight and Dad was just getting more moidery and obsessive about things he'd read in the paper, so Mum was sulking!
Eventually, I realised there was far more to it and that it really wasn't Dad's fault: he was just at a loss to explain what has happening. That's the trouble - nobody talks about the early stages.
When Dad died, I started looking after Mum and she began to treat me exactly as she had treated Dad. However, at that point, my brother just popped in in the evening for a brew and to lock up for her and he genuinely noticed nothing wrong! He even 'helpfully' suggested Mum and I must just be winding one another up. Mum's GP did ask my opinion when he popped in to check how she was and he agreed with me that it did sound like dementia, but said it was her choice whether to seek a diagnosis. Fortunately, Mum has a good GP and eventually, after some horrific experiences with a very questionable care agency (see below) a plan was concocted whereby the GP called in, asked a few simple questions that caught Mum out and swiftly talked her into an appointment - at last! Hurray! The comment from the nurse at Memory Clinic was '"How the heck have you guys managed so long?"
The first care agency we got for mum claimed to have lots of experience with dementia but because Mum was able to do what I now know as 'showboating' they refused to believe my concerns. In fact, I was told by the boss that Mum did not have dementia; it was all in my head and it was obviously my approach to her care that was making her depressed, not least my 'paranoia' about her becoming dehydrated. I was told I was not the best person to care for her...........so why not buy in some more of her staff's time? (strange eh?) I was also told Mum had 'confided' things to her staff such as my selling Mum's clothes; re-arranging the kitchen and putting things where she couldn't find them; letting people use her living room as an office........all of which should have been HUGE red flags with flashing lights and the word 'Dementia' spelt out in fireworks above!!!
Relatives, who popped in pre-Covid, were often treated to displays of so near-normality that they too gave me lectures on how Mum was 'so pleased' to see them and how they really lifted her mood. They saw no signs of dementia because she recognised them and knew who they were talking about (okay, when they left, mum would turn on me, accuse me of letting strangers in, complain how much they 'yapped' about people she had never heard of and how I had joined in with the conversation and she had felt left out!)
What I am trying to say here is - trust your instinct and don't let other people talk you out of it! I was so full of self-doubt, frustration, anger, confusion and despair in the first 18 months of caring for mum that I did reach a point where I considered taking my own life as the only way out, but knew that wasn't an option - as who else would look after mum and my own family? Stay calm and state your case. Prepare to not be believed and have information to hand about the very early stages of dementia. So many little adjustments can make huge differences in the early stages! We found them out with trial and error, before we saw the official advice!
The ALzheimer's Association does some really great fact sheets. Sadly, some of my relatives refused to read them because they didn't want to know and still make a dog's breakfast when they ring or try to help, but that's life! You can only do your best
