Hi, just need a rant and any advice available please. Mums 87, diagnosed Alzheimer's last October. All sorts of ups and downs, memory, physical, confusion, sadness, lack of motivation etc, coping not bad so far. Main problem is family. 4 sisters - all older than me, 2 live hour or so away and have own health issues, but are as supportive as they are able, to myself and mum. Other sister lives same distance as me, is retired and does help mum in her own way. problem is she is a pessimistic control freak - since being a child she was called Moangy Mo! Recently been ' helping ' mum sort bills etc - all good, however mum doesnt do things how Mo, ( and husband) think they should be done - so they moan and tell her off _ have always done it to us all but now mum getting more vulnerable cant cope and often in tears. Recently mum lnet me money -they went mad and took her deboit card off her - too help her safeguard herself and be able to sort all bills etc , make life easier for her. Give mum£80 per week to pay for cleaner( Mo herslef!), shopping, days out etc - mum always been independant so still likes to do as much as poss. They say she doesnt need more as they will look after her! took mum for 2 new pairs glasses Wednesday - bargain at £50. Had text Mo earlier to ssay what doing and ask to leave mum more money - she ignored me, and only gave her ten extra - also for mothers union trip to Sandringham, and full week. Cost of glasses, trip to Sandringahm and little bit of shopping mum spent up, so rang Mo for more of her own money - got told off - 'what on earth have you spent £90 on?@!!!! mum rang me in tears - calmed her down and left it as in process of sorting Power of attorney - nephew to oversee finances with mo - he actually listens to mum. hour later mum rang - sounding worried - Mo there wanted a word - result told me off for letting mum spend £50, she wanted to know how much first, mum was so upset by her torrent she got confused and forgot everything - Mo said it proves she doesnt know what she doing !!!!!!! She ranted on how mum had more than enough for the week -I reminded Sandringham - not relevant. I ended up getting angry at her saying 'at least i didnt spend £74 just on lenses, as she had few wks earleir - if saving mum £ so important i did better job - she put phone down on me. breaking my heart she doesnt care about upsetting mum - even if go legal and blok her acces to financial affairs etc - she will still bully mum when she sees her - dont know how to stop that. Sorry to moan - getting to end of tether - just want to look after mum and make sure she has the best times poss while she still cogniscent to know - getting less and less. Any ideas? thanks, Judith. x
family abuse?
- Thread starter morgaine42
- Start date
Get social services involved and ask them for advice. As previous poster advised if you do not agree with her having poa then object to it stating reasons why.
thanks - its not an objection to that - it was actually my idea, because if she AND our nephew have joint POA then she HAS to share all the information/ decisions with him, whereas now she just says she is doing whats best for mum and wont even tell mum how much she has or update her mum on her own finances. poa will make it so everything be out in the open. my problem is that however we can protect mum legally, i dont know how to stop Mo from treating mum like a naughty little child, telling her off, throwing mums things away if she doesnt think she needs them, telling her what she should and shouldnt do - mum gets upset and angry but mostly 'doesnt want any arguing' so just goes along with what Mo says - how do I stop that?!
I think you perhaps need to have a quiet word with Mo and tell her that she needs to back off as the last thing your mum needs is stress and anxiety in her life. It is the worst thing for her dementia. If she is not listening then i'm sorry but I would warn her that you will get social services involved because what she is doing is illegal - under the Mental Capacity Act, your mum should be involved all the time to the extent that she is able to voice her opinion on that day. Her wishes must be taken into consideration. To take her Debit card is in fact theft! To then refuse to give her access to funds which she has no legal right to do - is again illegal!
I did have a thought - you could take your mum to the bank and tell them she has lost her card and can they send a new one - then the one Mo has will no longer be valid!
Anyway, that's what I would do - but you have to be prepared to follow through or your mum's life is going to become a misery!
Fiona
I did have a thought - you could take your mum to the bank and tell them she has lost her card and can they send a new one - then the one Mo has will no longer be valid!
Anyway, that's what I would do - but you have to be prepared to follow through or your mum's life is going to become a misery!
Fiona
thanks - its not an objection to that - it was actually my idea, because if she AND our nephew have joint POA then she HAS to share all the information/ decisions with him, whereas now she just says she is doing whats best for mum and wont even tell mum how much she has or update her mum on her own finances. poa will make it so everything be out in the open. my problem is that however we can protect mum legally, i dont know how to stop Mo from treating mum like a naughty little child, telling her off, throwing mums things away if she doesnt think she needs them, telling her what she should and shouldnt do - mum gets upset and angry but mostly 'doesnt want any arguing' so just goes along with what Mo says - how do I stop that?!
A poa can be drawn up so that the attorneys can act jointly or severally. If it is drawn up severally then she can act on her own.
Thanks Fiona, mum herself has said a couple of times about getting another card - then she stresses it will cause grief with my sister. My husband works as a carer in a residential home any keeps saying as you do about the legal aspects and how it is theft and illegal - I know that really, its just so hard to get head round that on top of whats happening to mum. Both myself and my daughter have tried talking to Mo - she just says she looking out for mum - as she doesn't know what she needs anymore!!! have avoided pushing so far as she then gets stressed at mum. I think I know deep down its coming to a head and going to have to just deal with it, whether it upsets/angers Mo or not! hanks for the advice guys - much appreciated. hardest thing ever watching someone so precious fade away - family fall outs last thing we need. much love, joy and peace to everyone out there affected by this cruel disease. xxx
thanks - its not an objection to that - it was actually my idea, because if she AND our nephew have joint POA then she HAS to share all the information/ decisions with him, whereas now she just says she is doing whats best for mum and wont even tell mum how much she has or update her mum on her own finances. poa will make it so everything be out in the open. my problem is that however we can protect mum legally, i dont know how to stop Mo from treating mum like a naughty little child, telling her off, throwing mums things away if she doesnt think she needs them, telling her what she should and shouldnt do - mum gets upset and angry but mostly 'doesnt want any arguing' so just goes along with what Mo says - how do I stop that?!
If you wish to stop that then object to her getting PoA, my concern though is that you have borrowed money from Mum while she has dementia, that may weaken any objections you may make. If the PoA is made jointly and severally your sister can use it without any reference to your nephew and visa versa. If it is not they both have to sign which can be logistically difficult. I think you need legal advice so a solicitor can go through the ramifications for you.
I agree with Noorza. It's often the "unexpected and unintended consequences" which put you on the back foot. From what you have said, you can be relatively sure that Mo will see to it that she can act independently. Good luck.X
It's not always so simple, I have a brother who has cleaned out mum's account over and over which has left her waiting to save for things like a new disability scooter. Sometimes people with dementia do need protecting from themselves, my brother then had some lovely weekends away while mum thought it was to pay his mortgage.
I do hear you but it's so hard to protect vulnerable adults from themselves.
Hi, I have a similar problem. I and my 2 siblings have poa jointly and severably and one has taken mums bank card, refuses for me to use it ever - even in an emergency to have her dog put to sleep. Can't take my mum shopping any more, I have ask for permission and some money. Mum very upset every week that I can't help her draw out her own money. My siblings think £30 in her purse is enough. I got SS to visit, social worker said wouldnt change family decision. Court of protection would not get involved in 'family dynamics'. I feel bad that my mum gets upset every week, but don't know what to do anymore.
Forgot to say get the PoA checked for the wording but you should be fine from what you've said.
Will the new bank card be sent to my mums address? If so, family will claim it during the week. I visit at weekends to take hot out and deliver clean laundry and collect dirty linen. Thank you for listening.
You can ask to pick the new card up from the bank. Check with them first though that they will do it.
Lima
I have POA for my dads accounts - everything comes to my address (although I have stopped paper statements as I do his banking online) and the card and chequebook are in my name.
It was relatively painless to do - I took the POA and my ID to his building society and bank and it was sorted out within an hour in both cases.
It was relatively painless to do - I took the POA and my ID to his building society and bank and it was sorted out within an hour in both cases.
