Fall out of Care Home Window

[Anmarg]

Hi @Anmarg haven't seen anything from you for a long while. I'm guessing COVID-19 is impacting your plans but I justed wanted to check in and see how you are keeping. I haven't been able to see my lovely Mum since March 13th so the worry is all consuming. I saw her on Skype 10 days ago but honestly, seeing her and not being able to comfort her was somehow worse than not seeing her. I am going to ask for another Skype just so I can get a visual and make sure she is looking like she is being cared for . All the best

Hi @millalm, thank you so much for your message, it means a lot.
I am sorry to hear you have not been able to see your lovely Mum, I have been struggling as I know yourself and everyone else is too. I can relate to it being all consuming! My Dad is still in hospital, he was declined a number of care homes before the lockdown. Things have been so intense emotionally that I have wanted to post but some how couldn't find the words?
Dad is deteriorating, he has lost 3 stones, not taking his meds, we have asked the ward to ring and have been able to encourage him at times, contacting him is hit and miss. The bedside phone charges are disgraceful, there is no facilities to be able to Skype or facetime, but not sure Dad would be responsive. I am reassured that he is not going to be moved and is well looked after. I had the DNR conversation with the Consultant last week, the very next day she rang me to tell me he had chest pains. I feel as if I am just waiting for something to happen, I am trying to remain positive, I went back to work 2 weeks ag as mental mental health nurse in the hospital, as I wanted to support, I have been asked to off psychological support for the front line staff and the families of patients that have been delivered bad news. Whilst I want to do my best, if I'm honest I'm not sure I am emotionally capable at present. I hope you are bearing up and I thank you again as I seem to have found quite a lot of words, I dont wont to let the feelings of helpessness and hopelessness take over, I am sure you can relate, I wish you strength and hope that this will be over soon and that your lovely mum and my lovely Dad can have our support again in the not too distant future and we have remain positive and hopeful that they are both being well cared for under these extreme circumstances. Take good care x

Hi @Anmarg haven't seen anything from you for a long while. I'm guessing COVID-19 is impacting your plans but I justed wanted to check in and see how you are keeping. I haven't been able to see my lovely Mum since March 13th so the worry is all consuming. I saw her on Skype 10 days ago but honestly, seeing her and not being able to comfort her was somehow worse than not seeing her. I am going to ask for another Skype just so I can get a visual and make sure she is looking like she is being cared for . All the best

 

[millalm]

Good to hear he is still in a place where you are happy that he is safe and cared for. That really is the best we can hope for right now. It is always easier to comfort and offer support to others than to stop and acknowledge that we are in need of comfort and support too. The DNR conversation is always painful but I am thinking even more so if you had to do it on the phone It's brave of you to return to work at this time. Perhaps recognizing the importance of the role you have to play in your workplace will help lift you up in your own spirits as well! I find I am at my best when offering care and nurturing to my Mum and the other residents, many of whom have no visitors at the best of times so I am feeling very lost without my daily 'fix'. I have no medical training but years of caring experience so I have volunteered to help in the home if they become overwhelmed with staff shortages and need to call on the public who are currently banned from all care homes. There have been some horrific stories out of Quebec, the province next to the one I live in, where care workers abandoned their posts in a long term care home when an outbreak started and left residents without care. On a bright note (not many of those lately) I was able to see my lovely Mum on Saturday on Skype although she was staring silently and looked a little dehydrated. Still, just as I was about to sign off after only a couple of minutes of no response, she suddenly started humming...quite insistently, Galway Bay which is the way she gets my attention if it wanders from her during my visits. I was so pleased I joined in, although I am not much of a singer and we finished a chorus together! Then she fell silent again, I signed off and burst into tears!!! Bittersweet tears. It's approaching silly o'clock here (Ontario,Canada) time for bed. So please Anmarg, take care. Thank you for your service and I hope we will all meet our loved ones again soon.

 

[Anmarg]

Hello All,

I am putting this in the reply part of my original post because it is the only way I know how to post an update.
I have not put an update on for a while but I have been reading TP and dipping in and out.
I feel that right time is now for an update as I feel like I am at the end of my tether again, I do so well for a while, trying to take every day as it comes but feel like I am having a melt down at the moment!

So much has happened since I first posted and since my last post. Dad was in hospital until the middle of May after his fall out of the first care home window. He ended up in hospital for over four months, he stopped eating in hospital and I was told he was on the 'end of life trajectory' as he had lost almost five stone by that time.

To cut an absolutely heart wrenching story short Dad ended up being admitting to an EMI nursing home on the 19th May, I was so hopeful and waiting with baited breath, he did start eating again and put a couple of kilos on per week. He began to get stronger but this was a double edged sword because as he got stronger he became aggressive towards the staff.

I have mixed feeling about this as I know that this can be part of the symptoms of dementia, I am also not convinced the staff had the right training or the right approach, after five weeks I was sent a letter of notice that he had to find somewhere immediately, with no notice period. The very next day Dad ended up being sectioned on the 29th June and is now in a specialist psychiatric ward.

I feel Dad is in the right place under the circumstances as the incidents of aggression and his falling during these incidents had increased and I was just waiting for the phone to ring to tell me something really bad had happened whilst he was still in the care home.

I am finding it really hard to deal with what has happened over the last 5 months since Dad went in 'pleasantly confused' on the 23rd Dec for a two week respite period and falling out of the window on the 9th January to where we are on he is now.

I didn't think things could get any worse, how wrong I was! The journey that we have all been on over the last six months has been the worst of my life, along the way there has been so much poor care and injustices that I am finding hard to deal with. I feel like I am losing my fight. I have to add that there has been some good care too, mainly from the hospital discharge social worker which I have not got enough praise for.

I cannot believe all this has happened to my lovely, caring Dad and really don't know which way to turn. I am sat at the moment wondering but dreading making the decision to go and visit the psychiatric unit, I will have to see Dad in a small yard area with one bench in it. I am grateful that I have got the opportunity to do this but not sure if I can cope, this will be my first visit in the two weeks he has been there.
I feel guilty, avoidant, devastated and lots of other emotions! I feel I cannot talk to anyone about how I feel as I don't really know if I could verbalise how I feel, so I have typed it instead!

I am sorry for such a long post and rant, I am just going to post this now..PS I have not checked the grammar.
I wish you all well and sending 'virtual' hugs to you all. XX

 

[PalSal]

Advice from those who have walked this path is indispensable. Listen up to Marianq and Granny G. It is horrible what has happened, but it can and probably will get worse if nothing else even more demanding. Let the professionals care for him and go and assure him of your love- that is the best you can do give your love and some physical stroking and contact as much and often as you can.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Anmarg

I’m glad your dad has finally found a place where he can be safe and looked after properly and I hope your visit goes well if you decide to go. I don’t have any experience of secure units but other members have spoken of them and they don’t sound too scary. Hopefully your dad’s meds can be adjusted so he can be calm enough to return to an EMI home soon.

Feel free to rant as much as you need. It’s what we’re here for.

(((hugs))) back to you.

 

[Anmarg]

Advice from those who have walked this path is indispensable. Listen up to Marianq and Granny G. It is horrible but it can and probably will get if nothing else even more demanding. Let the professionals care for him and go and assure him of your love- that is the best you can do give you love and some physical stroking and contact as much and often as you can.

Hi @PalSal, thank you for you reply, it means so much and I have found everyone at TP indispensable, I have decided to go with my sister this afternoon, so feeling braver with her there, big hugs xx

 

[Anmarg]

Hi @Anmarg

I’m glad your dad has finally found a place where he can be safe and looked after properly and I hope your visit goes well if you decide to go. I don’t have any experience of secure units but other members have spoken of them and they don’t sound too scary. Hopefully your dad’s meds can be adjusted so he can be calm enough to return to an EMI home soon.

Feel free to rant as much as you need. It’s what we’re here for.

(((hugs))) back to you.

Hi @Bunpoots, your reply means so much, I have just had a 'virtual' ward round with the Doctor and I am reassured he is being well looked after, I am going in a couple of hours with my sister, its not the secure unit that scares me if I am honest, it's dealing with my emotions after the visit, I should be used to it by now! I will take every minute as it comes and hopefully show him how much he is loved. Thank you for the hug, I needed that! Sending the same to you xx

 

[millalm]

@Anmarg Just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. The highlight of my recent life was yesterday when I visited my Mum through the window and she looked right at me and began to hum "Galway Bay"! After weeks of no response from her on Skype, or at the window it gave me such a lift. On one hand it tells me that she is still somewhere in there, and then on the other hand I am worried that means she is aware of the lack of caring she has had from me over the last 5 months. My rational mind tells me I have always done the best I could for her ( and my Dad) but somehow there's always something for us to feel guilty about. It made me think about you feeling guilty about sending your 'pleasantly confused' Dad for respite so i thought I would check in with you. I hope you have been able to visit , although based on so many posts here it seems care homes everywhere are not being particularly helpful in making in- person visits happen.

All the best

 

[DesperateofDevon]

@Anmarg Just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. The highlight of my recent life was yesterday when I visited my Mum through the window and she looked right at me and began to hum "Galway Bay"! After weeks of no response from her on Skype, or at the window it gave me such a lift. On one hand it tells me that she is still somewhere in there, and then on the other hand I am worried that means she is aware of the lack of caring she has had from me over the last 5 months. My rational mind tells me I have always done the best I could for her ( and my Dad) but somehow there's always something for us to feel guilty about. It made me think about you feeling guilty about sending your 'pleasantly confused' Dad for respite so i thought I would check in with you. I hope you have been able to visit , although based on so many posts here it seems care homes everywhere are not being particularly helpful in making in- person visits happen.

All the best

Don't let the guilt monkey haunt your shoulders .... because you feel so much is because you care xxx
????

 

[Susan11]

We were just building up to being in a position to visit Mum in a CH 3 and a half hours drive away. But it's in Greater Manchester and is now back in lockdown. There is nothing I can do. Mum can't manage phone calls or Zooms. I ring regularly to talk to the carers and they send me photos or put photos of mum on their Facebook page. At least the residents are not confined to their rooms. All carers were tested a week ago but we haven't heard the results yet. I do hope Mum recognises me when we do get to see her. I'm so scared she might not know me.

 

[Izzy]

@Susan11 that must be so hard for you. Such an awful situation.

 

[Susan11]

@Susan11 that must be so hard for you. Such an awful situation.

Thank you Izzy . My Mum is 95 and I'm 71 and this is the longest time between visits ever.

 

[Izzy]

Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

 

[Susan11]

Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Thank you Izzy. My problems are tiny compared to some conversations taking place at present.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

We were just building up to being in a position to visit Mum in a CH 3 and a half hours drive away. But it's in Greater Manchester and is now back in lockdown. There is nothing I can do. Mum can't manage phone calls or Zooms. I ring regularly to talk to the carers and they send me photos or put photos of mum on their Facebook page. At least the residents are not confined to their rooms. All carers were tested a week ago but we haven't heard the results yet. I do hope Mum recognises me when we do get to see her. I'm so scared she might not know me.

I was thrilled after not being able to visit to find after such a long time Mum recognises me - only for a short time later for there to be no recognition .
Just smile a lot & laugh ... make happy memories no matter what
?

 

[MartinWL]

I just wonder here if any sort of legal action will benefit anyone. A care home isn't a prison, and if the PWD broke the window locks I would ask myself whether that was foreseeable. It must be very rare for a care home resident to be even capable of doing that. Unless there was reason to think he would break out using such force I would think twice.

 

[Susan11]

I was thrilled after not being able to visit to find after such a long time Mum recognises me - only for a short time later for there to be no recognition .
Just smile a lot & laugh ... make happy memories no matter what
?

That's such good advice. Thank you. I will remember to do that.