Fall out of Care Home Window

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
40
0
Speak to your solicitor to obtain advice from them as to whether you should attend the meeting without legal representation.
Thanks @Louise7, I am waiting for a reply, I am just anxious as the meeting is at 10am this morning, I appreciate your response.
 

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
4,634
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If you don't hear back from your solicitor in time request a postponement and advise that you are awaiting legal advice.
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,648
0
Essex
I read your sad post @Anmarg and I agree with everyone else about your Dad staying in hospital. One thing occurred to me - he must be in terrible pain with all those injuries and that could be part of the cause of his agitation. I hope the hospital are giving him appropriate pain relief as it sounds as if he might be too ill to express this.

It certainly sounds like he needs to be in a nursing home that meets his needs. If in the hospital, the doctors and dementia specialists can get his medication sorted out, it may become easier to find him a placement. I hope he is getting CHC as it sounds like he is a very worthy candidate for it.

Thinking of you watching your Dad go through this and look after yourself too as it is so stressful.
 

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
40
0
Dear@DesperateofDevon and @nita,
Thank so much for your replies.
Dad still in hospital, his pain is being managed well, he is mobilising well and trying to 'escape' again, bless him.
I am still off work and visiting most days, only having a day to myself when I can't deal with it emotionally.
I know I have read about this word 'guilt' so many times on TP, I am feeling incredibly guilty as I dread visiting my dad as he constantly asks me to take him home, I can only manage an hour or two, then I usually have to leave him weepy and distressed then I feel guilty when I am not there.
I don't know what to do for the best, should I spend more time with him in hospital or could my visits be making him more unsettled??
He is deteriorating day by day.
I guess I will never get over the guilt of putting him in respite in the first place!
I have a meeting on Thursday with hospital discharge team, I still can't help thinking I should take him home, even though I know this is to ease my guilt.
Sorry for rambling, but can't stop crying all the time.
Thank you all for being there and wish i could offer more support to you all, maybe that will come.
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
434
0
@Anmarg my experience is that my mum needs to be nursed And that means a home. It doesn’t prevent the feelings of distress or guilt when I visit.

Basically we don’t want what is happening to be happening. If only we had a magic wand. You have to remind yourself that this disease is remorseless and causes unmanageable situations...not you, not the respite care...the disease is the problem. Your dad is in the right place and you can only do what you can to offer support. You must remember to look after yourself
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
261
0
I've been wondering how you were doing after your Dad's escape, I had lost track of your thread and tried to search but couldn't find you . I remember you saying your Dad had broken the restraints on the window, but I could not believe that could happen without anyone hearing it. That word 'guilt' is the bane of carer's existence. How can we feel guilty when we always have the best of intentions with the decisions we make? Even the decision to place your PWD in for respite, or long term care is always with the best of intentions, even if it is because you are worn out and need them to be somewhere safe while you recharge or recollect in order to continue on this journey with them. I too second guess every decision I have made along the way, did I move her too soon? Is her dementia worse because of my decisions? could I manage to look after her at home again? and so on and so on. I have tried to differentiate between feeling 'guilty' and just feeling badly about what has happened to my lovely Mum. It sounds like you need to try to do the same. As @SplashingAbout says this disease is remorseless, it slowly kills it's victims but also tries to kill their caregivers. My advice would be to visit with your Dad in the hospital as much as you want /can and spend the time being his daughter, not carer. I can tell you from 3 years (and counting) of having my Mum in a care home there is still lots of caring that you will need and want to do once they are in full time care so save your strength for the road ahead. And try to stop crying, I know, easier said than done but PWD pick up on what state you are in so the more distraught you are, the more upset they will become.

FYI I have become the Queen of fake smiles, cheery voices and endless positivity lol
 

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
40
0
@Anmarg my experience is that my mum needs to be nursed And that means a home. It doesn’t prevent the feelings of distress or guilt when I visit.

Basically we don’t want what is happening to be happening. If only we had a magic wand. You have to remind yourself that this disease is remorseless and causes unmanageable situations...not you, not the respite care...the disease is the problem. Your dad is in the right place and you can only do what you can to offer support. You must remember to look after yourself
Hello @Splashing About, thank you for your reply, you are absolutely right what you say and I agree it is a process of grief and acceptance. I am so grateful for your words of experience. I wish you all the best for you and your Mum.
 

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
40
0
I've been wondering how you were doing after your Dad's escape, I had lost track of your thread and tried to search but couldn't find you . I remember you saying your Dad had broken the restraints on the window, but I could not believe that could happen without anyone hearing it. That word 'guilt' is the bane of carer's existence. How can we feel guilty when we always have the best of intentions with the decisions we make? Even the decision to place your PWD in for respite, or long term care is always with the best of intentions, even if it is because you are worn out and need them to be somewhere safe while you recharge or recollect in order to continue on this journey with them. I too second guess every decision I have made along the way, did I move her too soon? Is her dementia worse because of my decisions? could I manage to look after her at home again? and so on and so on. I have tried to differentiate between feeling 'guilty' and just feeling badly about what has happened to my lovely Mum. It sounds like you need to try to do the same. As @SplashingAbout says this disease is remorseless, it slowly kills it's victims but also tries to kill their caregivers. My advice would be to visit with your Dad in the hospital as much as you want /can and spend the time being his daughter, not carer. I can tell you from 3 years (and counting) of having my Mum in a care home there is still lots of caring that you will need and want to do once they are in full time care so save your strength for the road ahead. And try to stop crying, I know, easier said than done but PWD pick up on what state you are in so the more distraught you are, the more upset they will become.

FYI I have become the Queen of fake smiles, cheery voices and endless positivity lol
I've been wondering how you were doing after your Dad's escape, I had lost track of your thread and tried to search but couldn't find you . I remember you saying your Dad had broken the restraints on the window, but I could not believe that could happen without anyone hearing it. That word 'guilt' is the bane of carer's existence. How can we feel guilty when we always have the best of intentions with the decisions we make? Even the decision to place your PWD in for respite, or long term care is always with the best of intentions, even if it is because you are worn out and need them to be somewhere safe while you recharge or recollect in order to continue on this journey with them. I too second guess every decision I have made along the way, did I move her too soon? Is her dementia worse because of my decisions? could I manage to look after her at home again? and so on and so on. I have tried to differentiate between feeling 'guilty' and just feeling badly about what has happened to my lovely Mum. It sounds like you need to try to do the same. As @SplashingAbout says this disease is remorseless, it slowly kills it's victims but also tries to kill their caregivers. My advice would be to visit with your Dad in the hospital as much as you want /can and spend the time being his daughter, not carer. I can tell you from 3 years (and counting) of having my Mum in a care home there is still lots of caring that you will need and want to do once they are in full time care so save your strength for the road ahead. And try to stop crying, I know, easier said than done but PWD pick up on what state you are in so the more distraught you are, the more upset they will become.

FYI I have become the Queen of fake smiles, cheery voices and endless positivity lol
Hello @millalm, thank you for asking, we are going through a Safeguarding process at the moment, although the enquiry is wrapping up now as my Dad's risk has been minimised i.e. he is no longer in the care home and still in hospital awaiting long term placement, the window restraints have now been changed in the whole of the care home so the risk is deemed to be minimised for the rest of the residents. The enquiry has raised a lot of 'red flags' and we have a solicitor supporting us now, hopefully the many questions will be answered, although the care home have been covering their tracks and not telling the truth, difficult to prove of course, although the facts are appearing to speak for themselves.
I can relate to all that you have written and it makes sense. I am trying to work through my feelings and trying to put the 'G' word out of my thoughts, I agree it is feeling bad, sad and helpless, I realise none of us have any 'control'when it comes to this awful disease and I will heed your words when going to visit my Dad. I appreciate you sharing your experiences and advice.
I am still off work which is now over two months, I need to get myself well and back to work, at the moment this situation has been all consuming and not good for me, I am finding it hard to let go and find time to look after myself but I am taking one day at a time.
Thank you again and I wish you all the best with your Mum, look after yourself.
 

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
40
0
Hello All,

An update about my lovely Dad, he is still in hospital after his fall out of the window.
He has been left with life changing injuries, not to mention the escalation of his dementia which the consultant has confirmed not only due to the head and spine injuries but the shock of the fall to his system, he will never be the same and is much less mobile and frail. He is eating very little and has lost over two stone since being in hospital. He has declined so much, going from being fully mobile, eating really well before he went in to respite all them weeks ago on the 23rd December.
I wanted to post as I am finding things really hard, as hard as I try, I cannot seem to find any acceptance, I still feel incredibly guilty about putting him in respite in the first place.
It feel that his cognition and dementia symptoms have declined at a hundred miles an hour since. He is now on 1:1, sometimes 2:1 with security being called as he has been very agitated and aggressive and trying to escape from hospital.
When we go and visit he cries and pleads for us to take him home, this makes visits so stressful, I feel anxious before I go in and even worse when I leave him. I wish I could stay and comfort him longer but he becomes unsettled and just wants to go home. Lets face it, we know hospital is not the right setting for PWD. He has been in there since 9th January.

He has been assessed by two care homes who have declined him as on paper he looks very challenging to manage, I don't understand how this has happened to my lovely Dad, I can't help thinking that he is going to die in hospital.
I know I have asked this question before but something inside me is screaming 'take him home!' I am heartbroken and don't want this nightmare to get any worse.

I am still off work for another month and was going to ask the consultant if I could take him home for a couple of days, this may or may not give him peace and could even make things worse, am I just thinking about my self. I just don't want to regret not doing my best for him. Help please, I feel as if I am losing my mind. I know I sound dramatic but this is just how I feel.
I cannot stop thinking that the bad care at the respite care home has lead Dad and us to this point, sorry for the rant but no matter who I speak to and where I turn I still feel, helpless, guilty and desperate.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,356
0
Kent
This is so difficult for you @Anmarg. I know how I`d feel if the same had happened to my husband.

What`s done is done though and the best you can do is try to do what is now best for your dad.

I don`t think it would help if you took him home. I wouldn`t want to take the chance of making it worse.

I agree Hospital is not the best place for a person with dementia but I would try to talk to his doctors and ask them to help you find a way to improve things for your dad so you can get him into a good care home as soon as possible.
 

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
40
0
Hi @Grannie G.
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate your views and advice. It is so hard knowing what to do for the best, I have met with the consultant and hospital staff, he is on a shed load of Trazodone, which it has been agreed has 'not touched' him, which is worrying. He has even been restrained and given IM Lorazepam, it is just so cruel.

I will continue to 'fight' his corner, I am just so worried that he will be assessed as unmanageable by future care homes due to the circumstances and the fall. I will continue to ask the universe and TP and hopefully find some strength and resilience to remain strong for my Dad.

Thanks again
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,920
0
South coast
I am not surprised that you feel like that.
If it is any comfort, the home that your dad wants to go home to is almost certainly not the home you would be taking him back to. Many (most?) people with dementia reach a stage of wanting to go "home", but it is actually not a real place, more a state of mind which represents safety and security where they can leave the confusion of dementia behind. When mum got to this stage I asked her about "home" and she was clearly describing her childhood home that was bombed in the war. She was also expecting her parents and siblings (all long died) to be there "just waiting for her".

I am sure that if you took your dad home, he would try and escape from you too, looking for a place that doesnt exist, so please try and put guilt behind you - hard though that is.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,652
0
South East
I can feel your pain, sending a big virtual hug. There is no way of knowing that something similar could have happened if he was at home, so you need to kick the guilt in to touch .you have done your best for him , it’s dementia to blame not you ! he is that anxious that I think it almost impossible to keep him safe so there is in my opinion no way you could possibly take him home . I would just keep trying to find a suitable care home for him . You must look after your own mental and physical health too, you are just as important . Take care and be kind to yourself . X
 

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
40
0
I am not surprised that you feel like that.
If it is any comfort, the home that your dad wants to go home to is almost certainly not the home you would be taking him back to. Many (most?) people with dementia reach a stage of wanting to go "home", but it is actually not a real place, more a state of mind which represents safety and security where they can leave the confusion of dementia behind. When mum got to this stage I asked her about "home" and she was clearly describing her childhood home that was bombed in the war. She was also expecting her parents and siblings (all long died) to be there "just waiting for her".

I am sure that if you took your dad home, he would try and escape from you too, looking for a place that doesnt exist, so please try and put guilt behind you - hard though that is.
Hi @canary, I know you are right, it is just a very painful process at the moment, I asked him what he missed from home, he said the pigs and the cats, he was brought up on a farm. Its just so hard when we can't find him a suitable placement, I really appreciate your advice and experiences.
Thank you so much, it feels so much better when you know you can share in a safe place.
 

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
40
0
I can feel your pain, sending a big virtual hug. There is no way of knowing that something similar could have happened if he was at home, so you need to kick the guilt in to touch .you have done your best for him , it’s dementia to blame not you ! he is that anxious that I think it almost impossible to keep him safe so there is in my opinion no way you could possibly take him home . I would just keep trying to find a suitable care home for him . You must look after your own mental and physical health too, you are just as important . Take care and be kind to yourself . X
Thank you so much @Woohoo, I know deep down, I have been to see another two care homes today, neither were able to meet his needs, I will heed your words and hope that we find a suitable place soon. Thank you and take care
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,652
0
South East
I’m sure the right place is out there , I would take the time you need to find it .Yes you knew the answer deep down but you needed that validated as we all do sometimes . You have done everything you can and more. Good luck. X
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
261
0
@Anmarg thank you for the update, it's funny how some stories resonate with you as yours does with me. I'm sorry to hear your Dad is still in hospital, but it is the guilt that you feel for what has happened that worries me. What happened to your lovely Dad was an accident. caused by his own actions, caused by his dementia, not because you had arranged for him to go into respite for a week. it is just as likely that something tragic would have eventually happened to him when he was on his own as you mentioned he had been on a midnight walk about and I'm guessing that was not the only instance where his safety was compromised. You have to forget about whose 'fault' it was and try and think logically about what needs to be done now. If 2 Care homes have indicated that his needs are beyond their professional ability to manage with trained 24/7 carers you have to accept that 1. you can't possibly take him home and keep him safe and 2. you haven't found the right home yet. I agree with everyone here that you need to focus your energy on finding that place and in the meantime try to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't look back. Wishing you strength :)
 

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
40
0
@Anmarg thank you for the update, it's funny how some stories resonate with you as yours does with me. I'm sorry to hear your Dad is still in hospital, but it is the guilt that you feel for what has happened that worries me. What happened to your lovely Dad was an accident. caused by his own actions, caused by his dementia, not because you had arranged for him to go into respite for a week. it is just as likely that something tragic would have eventually happened to him when he was on his own as you mentioned he had been on a midnight walk about and I'm guessing that was not the only instance where his safety was compromised. You have to forget about whose 'fault' it was and try and think logically about what needs to be done now. If 2 Care homes have indicated that his needs are beyond their professional ability to manage with trained 24/7 carers you have to accept that 1. you can't possibly take him home and keep him safe and 2. you haven't found the right home yet. I agree with everyone here that you need to focus your energy on finding that place and in the meantime try to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't look back. Wishing you strength :)
Hi @millalm, thank you so much for your reply, you are absolutely right of course. I think I am processing the shock of the fall and the rapid decline, it helps so much for the support that you and everyone else on TP have offered. I have just been signed off from work for another four weeks and will put my energy into finding the right place for my lovely Dad. I am going to see another one today which has been recommended , so fingers crossed. I know guilt will eat me away and as said before, Dementia tries to kill the carers as well as the PWD.
I will work on building my strength, resilience and acceptance. Sending much gratitude and thanks @millalm.
Will keep you posted.
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
261
0
Hi @Anmarg haven't seen anything from you for a long while. I'm guessing COVID-19 is impacting your plans but I justed wanted to check in and see how you are keeping. I haven't been able to see my lovely Mum since March 13th so the worry is all consuming. I saw her on Skype 10 days ago but honestly, seeing her and not being able to comfort her was somehow worse than not seeing her. I am going to ask for another Skype just so I can get a visual and make sure she is looking like she is being cared for . All the best :)
 

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