Fair expenses?

Cinder

Registered User
Dec 14, 2014
66
Hi-
I'm a lurker here and occasional poster.
My MIL lives with us full time.
She has done for 18 months.
My two children started to share a room so she could move in.
We are currently charging her £300 a month for her room. (We charge for her share of bills/food etc separately). Recently my husbands family have been kicking up a stink about this & saying it is too much and that we should be charging no rent at all.
We had always thought we were being very fair as we have a hefty mortgage (and she is living in the house too) and rooms in our area are on average £500 pcm.
Does anyone have an opinion either way?
If we are being unreasonable I would prefer to know...



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Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,664
Merseyside
Personally I think you should only take money for bills & food.
Your mortgage would be the same even if she wasn't with you.
 

Cinder

Registered User
Dec 14, 2014
66
Hi- thanks for your reply. I appreciate you taking the time to help me out.
Might I ask you to clarify why?
I'm just really struggling to see their argument as we effectively went from a three-bed house to a two bed one when she took the kids room.
We always thought it was fair for her to contribute given the circumstances...


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Miss Merlot

Registered User
Oct 15, 2012
3,260
If an adult child moved back in, you'd have them contribute to the household.

We charge our lodger twice that, and he doesn't need the countless things doing for him that someone with dementia does...
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,012
Scotland
I think she should pay her share just as she would if she was in her own home. The lady is being looked after and sharing your home if she were in a care home the costs would be 10 times what you are charging. You have young children to raise and should not at the same time have to subsidise an old lady so her family can be left more money.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,664
Merseyside
Hi- thanks for your reply. I appreciate you taking the time to help me out.
Might I ask you to clarify why?
I'm just really struggling to see their argument as we effectively went from a three-bed house to a two bed one when she took the kids room.
We always thought it was fair for her to contribute given the circumstances...


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I just couldn't charge a close family member to live with me beyond a bill & food contribution.
 

Cinder

Registered User
Dec 14, 2014
66
Thank you all for your replies- it's really helpful to see the different viewpoints.
Please keep 'em coming!
It's really helping get my thoughts straight.
And please don't anyone be concerned about causing offence. The honesty is so helpful- it gives me insight on other perspectives.



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Miss Merlot

Registered User
Oct 15, 2012
3,260
Very few of us live somewhere for free once we've become an adult.

Cinder, you don't say where MIL was living before, but either she'd have paid rent or a mortgage - and a lot more than £300 a month.

I wouldn't charge a family member for a few months stay but this is a permanent arrangement and one she and the family has already had to make sacrifices to accommodate...

NO amount of money would ever induce me to have MIL live with me, so Cinder you are doing more than I ever could!

Factor in comparative costs of care home / private let + carer visits to replace what the family are likely doing already and £300 is a bargain!
 

Cinder

Registered User
Dec 14, 2014
66
Miss Merlot, thank you.
She had her own home which she has now sold, she was at the stage where she could no longer live alone and she didn't want to go into a care home or have strangers in.
She agreed with all the costs before moving in and has always offered us more- which we have never taken her up on. It's just the other family members. Who refused to take her in despite having a bigger house and grown children.
I just can't understand why they think it's unfair....


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Karjo

Registered User
Jan 11, 2012
481
Agree with Miss Merlot. The other family are probably getting a bargain here and don't realise it. Their mother is being looked after, it would probably cost a lot more to put her in a home or pay for private carers. Maybe they are looking to the future when you cannot cope and feel her assets will have disappeared to pay for care, though at £300 a month she is probably saving more than spending!
i would ask however do you have power of attorney? Things can get complicated if you have and are benefiting by it by receiving rent. i quite agree you should charge but it's not up to me and when others in the family start looking at your arrangements then you may need to ask them what they want that would be in her best interests. is she happy with you, that should answer the question. if i were her and my family were prepared to put up with me I would quite happily pay my way and more.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,839
London
I see nothing wrong with that. OH and I are sharing all rent and living costs. If it was my Mum instead coming to live with me, I would expect to share the rent as well. After all, you have given up a room for her. If she is getting Attendance Allowance, this can be put towards the rent, plus she should be disregarded for council tax though with that many people living in a house it propably will not make a difference to the bill.
 

Miss Merlot

Registered User
Oct 15, 2012
3,260
Cause they want to get their mitts on it eventually, without having done anything to deserve it! Unlike you.
 

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
Radcliffe on Trent
Very few of us live somewhere for free once we've become an adult.

Cinder, you don't say where MIL was living before, but either she'd have paid rent or a mortgage - and a lot more than £300 a month.

I wouldn't charge a family member for a few months stay but this is a permanent arrangement and one she and the family has already had to make sacrifices to accommodate...

NO amount of money would ever induce me to have MIL live with me, so Cinder you are doing more than I ever could!

Factor in comparative costs of care home / private let + carer visits to replace what the family are likely doing already and £300 is a bargain!
You put it very well Miss Merlot. Especially agree with the point that MIL would be paying some housing costs wherever she lived. Your children have given up having their own rooms and you have all accepted the responsibilities of caring for MIL and sharing your home with her. You should not be expected to subsidise her financially as well.

If her family are unhappy, perhaps you should suggest she goes to live with them.!!

You are being more than fair. Do not be bullied by these folk.
 

CynthsDaugh

Registered User
May 5, 2015
140
Salford, Lancashire
if MIL agreed before she moved in then other family members should respect that. I just couldn't charge Mum personally. She owned her flat outright so no mortgage or rent to pay so I would be adding to her expenses if I did. Contribution to bills does help me a bit financially.
 

Cinder

Registered User
Dec 14, 2014
66
Thank you all again. We don't have power of attorney as she is still considered to have capability. We have made the application tho for when she does need it.


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chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
London
Hi Cinder, may i first say having a mum or mum in law living with you whilst you are in the prime of your life, with dementia,and with a young family, you have my admiration:)..so £75 a week:cool: which is full time caring,laundry,cleaning and whatever else..should MiL be living on her own, and help is "provided" by SS,the bill would be far more then this small sum ...and I am speaking from experience with my own MiL...as more care was provided i.e. 4x15 minute visits per day..then additional help..the bill increased and increased, we were also "on call" by the 3 alarm systems put into place, MiL lived in a small council flat and she was on limited means, she is now in full time care...maybe your husband's family would like to look after MiL just for a week and they may be able to see that it is not the caring side you are asking a contribution for,it is an additional person in your home who is an elderly sick lady who's "personal needs" will give you a lot of additional costs:eek:
Take care
Chris x
 

Quizbunny

Registered User
Nov 20, 2011
107
Personally I don't see anything wrong in taking rent from your MIL. Presumably if you were unable/unwilling to have her live with you she would be in a CH and that would cost hugely more. Should you find in the future that you are no longer able to cope and a move to care is necessary most if not all of her money will be used. Your family should be grateful that you are doing what you are doing, and are safeguarding their possible inheritance.