Facing the end


Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
Well .....today I thought I had to ask the question which has been burning in my heart for a while.....
I visited mum this afternoon and saw the sister and asked the question "Is mum dying.....?".....then burst into tears.......
The doctor in charge of mum and the sister whisked me away and told me it is extremely unlikely that she will leave the hospital......they were going to talk to me in the next few days....
They cannot get on top of the clostridium difficile bug
She has a chest infection
She hasn't eaten for a while but is now not drinking
When her eyes are open they are rolling and glazed
She doesn't know me
She wails like a tortured soul
My God....is the dementia not punishment enough?
Why must she go through this ?


Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
I feel so sad to read your post. So sorry I cannot help but hope that you get comfort from knowing people are listening and feeling for you. It is a terrible time but try to keep your chin up. Very best wishes Beckyjan


Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
Wendy love, there is no answer to the 'Why?' The dementia is not punishment - sometimes life is just a bitch. Hopefully the wailing does not signify mum is in pain - physical or mental. All you can do is go on, being there for her - tell her you love her - do and say all that you need to - go with your heart.
We will be here for you.
Much love, Helen


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Dear Wendy

This is an impossible situation for you do be in, and there are no answers, easy or hard. Are they attempting to treat the infections? And if they are, and this is a difficult subject to raise, do you feel comfortable with them doing so? It soemtimes seems that aggressive treatment in this area simply results in a holding situation which is not a good place for either the sufferer or their loved ones. Forgive me for mentioning it if your inclination is otherwise, but I think medical staff can be less than clear on these things, and if you want the issue discussed, you'll have to be the one to raise it.

Thinking of you



Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
Hi Helen
i don't think she's in physical pain as every time I stroke her hand it quietens,,,,,but I'm sure she is trying to talk......so emotional pain ...yes ..I believe so....
Love Wendy xx


Registered User
May 19, 2006
So sorry, Wendy. Don't have any words, but know how you must be feeling. Be there, hold her hand, talk to her, tell her you love her...she knows you're there.
Thinking of you.
Love Tina x


Registered User
Mar 13, 2006
hi mel

sending you my love and a big hug,
thinking of you,
donna xx


Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
Hi Jennifer
they've been treating the clostridium difficile for 3 weeks now......the chest infection I'm not sure:confused:
We did discuss no rescussitation........i totally don't want that.....had to make the same decision with dad.........who died 2 years ago next week in hospital.
The use of antibiotics had not crossed my mind.....thanks for mentioning that. They are getting the palliative care team in to make mum as comfortable as possible......
Love Wendy xx


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Wendy

So sorry you are in this situation. All you can do is what you are already doing --sit with your Mum, stroke her hand, tell her how much you love her.

When you think the time is right, tell her it's all right to let go, you'll be OK. Depending on your beliefs and your Mum's you could tell her that your Dad needs her now.

It's an awful time, just waiting, knowing there's so little you can do.

Keep posting, we're all here when you want to talk.

Love and hugs,


Registered User
May 20, 2006
North East
Hi Wendy

I too was really saddened to read your post - I'm not surprised you burst into tears - it's just too soon after your Dad. I know our Dad's died about the same time - I don't know how I'd react if it was my Mum who was really poorly.

Don't know what else to say, but take care.

Thinking of you and your Mum

Libs x

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
Hi Wendy,
It brought tears to my eyes reading how your mother is wailing. But it may not signifiy anything. Perhaps she's just lonely, if you stroking her hand quietens her.

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time.



Registered User
Mar 16, 2005
Thinking of you Wendy, the pain of it all is still raw for me, and I feel for you.

Love from Hazel.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
I`m so sorry Wendy. Your post is full of pain. If it`s any consolation, I suspect your pain is worse than your mothers.
With love, Sylvia xx


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
Oh Mel so sorry to hear what is happening to your mother , what a shock .
Lots of love from Me and a big (((hug))) .


Registered User
Dec 27, 2004
chin up

hi wendy , sorry things are not going well ,you wonder just how much you can take watching a loved one suffer so .the fact you can calm her is good . you know the outcome once they stop eating and have they not put her on a drip , ?but if they are talking palliative care that will be stopped and most medicants , you must be heartbroken , but sometimes its better than seeing further deterioration and not being there 24/7 try coming on messenger later take your mind off things for an hour .love angela.xxx


Registered User
Apr 10, 2006
Hiya Honey

A friend in need puts things into perspective!.....................you know i'm here for you 24/7.

I know your staying at the hospital tonight, i hope its not too painful for you.......... hang on in there...........i'll be thinking of you.

Love Alex x

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
NW England
mel said:
......they were going to talk to me in the next few days....
If anger helps you to get thru this time, hold on to that ..... damned cowards for not approaching you to discuss their concerns first ..... :mad:

God willing, your mum's dementia is now saving her from realising just what SHE is going thru ..... doesn't help you .... I know ....

But if virtual love and hugs can do anything for you and your mum just now, you know you have them in abundance ....

Much, much love, thoughts, prayers, anything........ Karen, x


Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
Dear Mel,
All thoughts with you as you face the end. I think you might find comfort in talking to your Mum about her leaving. I like to think it helped Dad.
I'm so sorry you won't be able to share your talk with your Mum, but maybe you can tell her what she needs to hear anyway.
Sending you warmest caring thoughts and supportive {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}. Nell


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Dear Mel, stay strong, mum needs you more than ever now.

Others have said it all, just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you. God bless,


Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
Newport, Gwent
Hiya Wendy me old mate,

Just wanted to say you are in my thoughts especially tonight honey, will say a prayer for mum to.

You know where I am, anytime you want to chat.

Massive hugs honey.

Lots of Love

Cate xxxxx