I to care for my mum who has ad for six years ,she still lives with dad,who's 85 ,and since he had urosepsis in January ,I do everything for him now to.Ive been off work since January,am receiving councilling,have very little support and feel numb inside what does normal feel like !! Xx
Looking after two parents is really hard. Not just because of the increase time and workload, but also because it splits you emotionally even more than you were already. So more difficult decisions about who needs your time the most, who is in more immediate difficulty or distress, and who needs more quality ‘cheering up’ time.
Urosepsis is a very nasty experience for anyone, let alone if they’re 85 years of age. If there were cognitive symptoms at the time, such as confusion and memory problems or delirium, it may take a while for him to fully recover, and it’s still only been four months. Hopefully he will recover as much as possible, which would be great for everyone involved. But sometimes this isn’t possible, particularly if the person was relatively frail at the time of getting ill, and this will mean a greater workload for you, at least for the foreseeable future.
You haven’t mentioned having any peer support of your own. Perhaps a partner, sibling or good friend? If you do have such people around you, make sure you talk to them, use them, share the load. There is often a temptation to take everything on yourself. For example, “only you know how to care for your mother when she is having a bad day”, or “if I go out, I’ll only find everything a complete mess when I get back, so it’s not worth bothering”. This may be true right now, but given time anyone can learn how to look after a person with dementia (or your father) and sharing the care workload will enable you to widen the informal unpaid carer ‘team’ that takes care of your parents and allow you to start having more of a life again. Apologies of course if this isn’t applicable to your situation and you’re effectively on your own (although hopefully with some kind of care package from adult social care, along with a dementia support worker when you need advice, and other professionals?).
If you are very much on your own – that is, you’re the only unpaid, informal carer for both your parents – then you need to be even more careful about ‘looking after yourself’. I know this expression is infuriating for sole carers, but this doesn’t make it untrue! You are at a much higher risk of burnout and depression than a carer who shares the workload with other family members and friends. There are often opportunities for respite care, paid for by social services, where professional carers can be arranged for anything from a few hours to a few days, or the person being cared for can spend some time away from home. And these can be invaluable opportunities for a family carer to ‘decompress’ and rediscover that there is a world out there that doesn’t revolve entirely around dementia care. So get in touch with your dementia support worker to investigate these kinds of opportunities, where available.
I think it’s brilliant that you’re talking to a professional counsellor. This provides you with a safe place to offload your worries, grievances, and frustrations, as well as hopefully getting some good advice about how best to look after your mental wellbeing in your specific circumstances. One of the most challenging aspects of being a carer for a person with dementia is having to ‘suck things up’, repress your feelings, and remain calm and patient as much as humanly possible. But this can take a real toll – which you describe as ‘feeling numb’. It’s a really common feeling for carers, although it’s also a warning sign that your mental wellbeing is taking a hit.
Get as much support as you can from anyone and everyone – your counsellor, your GP, Alzheimer’s Society, local carer support groups, social services, family and friends. Delegate, offload, share your burden – both for your own sake and also to allow you to look after your parents as well as possible for as long as possible. Use respite care, maximise your social care provision, and make use of charities where available. In your own case, you could try talking to MIND about how you’re feeling. They’re a great organisation and very used to dealing with depression in long-term carers. Also, the Carer’s Trust and Carers UK:
https://www.mind.org.uk/
https://carers.org/
https://www.carersuk.org/
Best of luck!