EXPERIENCED CARER "I didnt realise how difficult caring for mum would be"

[steele]

Hello everyone!
Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing this for. And then I give myself a few minutes and say to myself but its my mummy. I am 55yrs old looking after my mum. It will be almost 2 yrs now since I took mum out of the care home and gave up my job as a Senior carer in a dementia home to look after mum.

Sometimes she is funny and a pleasure to look after. Though sometimes she is very hard work and emotionally draining. I am David one day Gerald the next and so on, she also confuses me with my brother who lives 400 miles away.

My wife is also a full time carer in a care home and we have a 4 yr old daughter.

As well as looking after mum I do all the house work and the cooking as well as the laundry.

Mum can get vary agitated at times and will scream for help even when there is someone with her,
I used to try to talk to her to calm her down, then if that didnt work I would tell her to shut up and all that did was to make me feel guilty.

We argue almost every night as she never wants to go to bed till 11pm, Sometimes I am so tired by the time she wants to go to bed. Once she is in bed I have a little time to myself as my wife and daughter will already be in bed by then.

Money is very tight as we only have my wifes wage and mums pension coming in.

Mum refuses to go to day centres or attend activities though she does like me to take her out in her wheelchair around the shops.

I have been looking to get back into work, just part time for my own sanity as I feel like I am going crackers. I have applied to a local superstore for the night shift so it doesnt interfere with my mums care.

I have thought about putting mum in a care home again, though these occasions only last until I remember why I took my Mother out of the care home she was in in the first place.

Lack of person centred care.

 

[cragmaid]

Hi, if you don't get it already, please apply for high level Attendance Allowance. Mum will qualify, I'm sure . Also, because she lives with you, you could apply for a discounted Council Tax.It isn't a fortune, but every little helps.

 

[nitram]

"...you could apply for a discounted Council Tax.It isn't a fortune, but every little helps..."

A disregard for the OP's mother would reduce the occupancy from 3 to 2, the disregard only helps when it reduces the occupancy to one when the sole occupancy discount of 25% would apply.

 

[garnuft]

I can't see how you getting a night job can help things.
Your wife must be exhausted too, she works and it isn't even her mother.

If you are so stretched, I can only imagine how stretched your wife must feel.

I think you should really sit and think about what your priorities should be and in my mind, that should be your daughter and your wife.

Your mum should not be dominating everyone's life in this way and as a mother myself, I can't imagine she would want it to be this way.

Believe me I understand, I cared for my adored mother but if things are SO bad...you really need to get your logical hat on.
Best wishes.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[cragmaid]

Sorry, my mistake regarding the Discount. I wonder if your Mum would qualify for Pension Credit, which, unlike AA, is means tested. I'm trying...really!!

 

[sleepless]

If you intend to continue being your mum's sole daytime carer, I really don't see how doing a night shift job could be in the best interest of either your Mum or yourself.
You will be even more tired and find it more difficult to do all that you are doing.
You may need to have a serious think about the future for everyone's sake, which may mean carers coming in to take over some of your role, or residential care.
It is hard when you have young family, because unlike working in a care home, your life and that of your wife and daughter are also bound up in the 24 / 7 caring you are doing in your own home.

 

[tatty]

Hi on the council tax front if your mum is using another room as her bedroom (my MIL is in our front room) then you can get a discount worth about£300 a year , mind you they come out to inspect in case ' you are making a fraudent claim'

 

[learningcurve]

"...you could apply for a discounted Council Tax.It isn't a fortune, but every little helps..."

A disregard for the OP's mother would reduce the occupancy from 3 to 2, the disregard only helps when it reduces the occupancy to one when the sole occupancy discount of 25% would apply.

Not sure if this varies depending on the Council, but we received a discount for Mum when she lived with us and the disregard took the occupancy from 3 to 2 so it's worth looking into.

 

[RedLou]

May I gently ask you:

What does your wife think about all this? What about your young daughter - this is bound to be affecting her life and what you can do together as a family.