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Experience v advice.

GillPJ

Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
80
Thanks everyone. I'm coping well on the whole providing I don't think too much, and there have been some lighthearted moments, such as trying to spell my late father's first names in French on the phone to the mayor's office. She asked me to send it by email in the end in desperation.
 

GillPJ

Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
80
Thank you Jennifer. I hope you manage to find a resolution to your own problems, which are far worse than mine. You take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and don't stop nagging everyone. Nagging is the only way, something I've learnt.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,672
South coast
I am sorry for your loss.
She is at peace now, so try and find some peace fir yourself.
The time between death and the funeral is strange - almost unreal. There is a lot to do, yet I found myself feeling detached.
Be kind to yourself
xx
 

GillPJ

Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
80
Back down to earth for those who want it, mum was breathing very rapidly this morning with the telltale gurgly breathing. OH and I managed to get her up the bed a bit so she could be more upright and less gurgly. Not long after that her breathing changed suddenly from rapid to one every 10 seconds. Was it something I did? I'll never know. All I knew was that I couldn't leave her gurgling. It's an area without definitive answers, after all, who's going to spend much time researching the soon to be deceased?
The thing that's really highlighted my experience of all of this is, does anyone really know what's best?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,672
South coast
Not long after that her breathing changed suddenly from rapid to one every 10 seconds.
That sounds like Cheyne Stokes breathing. It is one of the changes that happens before death and once that starts there is usually only a matter of hours before death. Im sure you didnt do anything except make her more comfortable.
xxx
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
537
Thanks everyone. I'm coping well on the whole providing I don't think too much, and there have been some lighthearted moments, such as trying to spell my late father's first names in French on the phone to the mayor's office. She asked me to send it by email in the end in desperation.
Back down to earth for those who want it, mum was breathing very rapidly this morning with the telltale gurgly breathing. OH and I managed to get her up the bed a bit so she could be more upright and less gurgly. Not long after that her breathing changed suddenly from rapid to one every 10 seconds. Was it something I did? I'll never know. All I knew was that I couldn't leave her gurgling. It's an area without definitive answers, after all, who's going to spend much time researching the soon to be deceased?
The thing that's really highlighted my experience of all of this is, does anyone really know what's best?
The key word is ' comfort and every single person will be different, but comfort remains paramount because that, combined with compassion is what one strives towards continuously in this whole dementia journey. You can do no more, as nature takes its course, as with each and every one of us.
And when that journey ends and the mind and heart range emotionally from a sense of relief, to re-living the care and the moments of despair and the precious moments of joy, with a hollow awareness that someone has now actually gone, you will understand the role you played and its true value in caring for another in the manner you did. Despite everything, the sheer challenge such a role sets before you with all the intensity psychologically which bears down upon you, it remains unquestionably a precious moment in one's life. That of giving, that of caring, that of knowing what is right without having to be told. Much as our own mothers did instinctively when we too as vulnerable infants at the very start of our lives, could not have otherwise survived.

With warmest wishes and gratitude for your sharing of your own very special journey.
 

GillPJ

Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
80
Thank you Hazara, you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. I sometimes wish I wasn't quite so practical and down to earth, and more emotional.
Just before my dad died, he asked me to look after mum, which I promised to. I hope I fulfilled that promise.