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Experience v advice.


Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
oh @GillPJ
such a tough time for you
your kindness, love and caring shine through your post
sending a blanket of sympathy as some comfort, I hope


Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
"How's my lovely" made her smile this evening.
I called the doctor this morning, they're going to put her on a rehydrating intramuscular drip tomorrow (she's not dehydrated yet, but will be soon). I managed to get her tablets into her this morning by crushing them in a couple of teaspoons of fruit puree, and she's had a few more mouthfuls of that plus some water during the day and evening. We've put her fentanyl patches back on as well, since it hurts when I move her.
It does feel like prolonging the inevitable, but what else can you do? The doctor asked if I wanted her to go to hospital, but there's nobody there to say "how's my lovely?" so, no.
Just a tip that may work for someone else, she'll take the fruit puree but often doesn't swallow it, but I find following it with a sip of water helps.
Your " how's my lovely" quote tells it rather beautifully if l might respectfully say so. I fear you are so right about the hospital environment being devoid of that interaction by sheer nature of its function and the volume of work which simply denies the continuity of sensitive care and awareness you demonstrate so vividly. I do not blame the hospitals of course, but dementia ( l am presuming this will relate to your own situation) in that environment can be exacerbated significantly.
I too applied 'palliative ' care even in hospital when my mother refused food and drink. It was not denial, which is often cited as such when one continues to nurture despite the end-of-life in progress. It was the provision of " comfort" and the overwhelming sense of love for a mother rendered totally vulnerable within an environment which could not offer such over and beyond clinical expertise and excellent nursing practice.
I used a small syringe to lubricate her terribly dry mouth and remained beside her for a month, day and night. We were once children and at our mother's side during those early days, fortunate enough to be loved and protected in the way we know very profoundly to be something good, something which sows a seed, a good seed within our hearts. When the seed blossoms it finds expression in all that you are doing and recounting so generously on here. I think we all embrace the fragrance of that blossoming. Thank you.


Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
Thank you all. It's certainly tougher than practical down-to-earth me was expecting. But at least she's sleeping and peaceful.


Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
Today, her blood pressure is dropping, I couldn't get a whole tablet into her crushed, maybe a part of one but she didn't swallow. This afternoon she's had three teaspoonfuls of water out of a syringe and swallowed them, unfortunately she now has a Kennedy Terminal ulcer (I looked it up because the nurse doesn't volunteer information, I had to ask if it was necrotic). She doesn't move at all, though her eyelids flicker occasionally, and she clamps her lips together when I wipe them or put vaseline on them. She doesn't respond when I hold her hand or talk to her.
Sorry if that's too much information, but it may help someone else. There's no way back now.


Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
South coast
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))) @GillPJ
You are into the last long vigil

She will still be able to hear, even though she cannot respond, so talk to her and play her favourite music.
You can put salve on her lips and moisturiser on her skin to keep her comfortable.
Watch out for agitation which can be a sign of breakthrough pain.

Make sure you eat and sleep

Holding your virtual hand 🤝


Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
Thank you canary, have a ((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) back. I just want her to slip peacefully away now I know it's not going to get any better.
She's not getting her incontinence pants changed as often as she perhaps should, though there's not a lot in them, I just hate to put her through the turning her over. Her blood sugar levels are OK though, so that's one less thing to worry about, though I suspect it's her body compensating by itself which perhaps isn't so good. Still, a hypo on top of everything else is not desirable.


Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
That's not to say I'm not moving her at all, but generally just a slight prop on one side with a pillow, not a full 90 degrees. She's just so floppy that it takes a huge amount of effort to turn her even using a sheet.


Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
That's not to say I'm not moving her at all, but generally just a slight prop on one side with a pillow, not a full 90 degrees. She's just so floppy that it takes a huge amount of effort to turn her even using a sheet.
I remember this, it's so awful. There was nothing of dad but we couldn't lift him between the two of us. I hope you both get peace soon.

Sending you a huge hug and lots of strength.


Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
She died (comparatively) peacefully at 7.30 am with me holding her hand. I'm feeling relief now, as i'd already had my tearful moments, I expect it will hit me again at the cremation.
The doctor arrived to confirm and write a certificate, the nurse arrived at the same time and kindly told the doctor how well I'd looked after her, so that was nice. Just waiting for the funeral home to collect her now - I'm glad we got the quote last Friday.
Thanks all :)


Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
We all understand the feeling of relief that our loved one no longer has to struggle with the problems dementia has brought on them. Give yourself time to cry later today.
Best wishes,

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