We have my Mil living with us, 24/7. I've given up trying to work out what stage she is at, lol, but she has VaD and AZ, and though she can be very clear and make some wishes known, she suffers from delusions, paranoia and sundowning. Left alone, even for 5 minutes, and she becomes anxious and scared. She is not physically aggressive, but can be verbally, very unpleasant. She cannot manage with any safety virtually any tasks (too easily forgets what she is doing and how to do it) and now needs supervison to wash, brush teeth and dress. Mobility is poor, and getting worse. Prone to UTI's, and has several other health problems, including COPD, diabetes and angina. My husband works, so I'm pimary carer.
I absolutely could not do this solo, or without the 3 days a week that she attends day care. There can be issues that you don't even anticipate - for example, just dealing with paperwork and appointments is so hard, and is an aspect I didn't realise would be a big part of it all in advance. How do you think you will cope with declining mobility? Sleepless nights? Incontinence? Because all these seem to be common features. Even with the amount of support/respite I get with day care, I often feel isolated. When she is in day care, my free time is often taken up with catching up on jobs I can't do when she is around - for instance, mopping floors - not safe when she is about - or checking her room for washing and clearing out hundreds of the tissues and bits of loo paper she scatters and drops everywhere. Or making phone calls or things I can't do when she is wanting to ask the same questions 100 times in a row, or kicking off because some delusion or other has left her agitated. Husband quite often takes her out for a drive or takes over at home, to give me a break too - but he works long shifts, and sometimes I resent that even when he is home, its hard for us to have any time just for us - she is quite obsessed with him, often thinks he is HER husband, which is one of several delusions that are utterly exhausting and distressing to cope with. Emotional and physical weariness are the norm.
Thank goodness I have hubs to step in when I am ill - somehow, we juggle it. You need to work out how you will cope, what you can do if you should become poorly and have your Mum living with you. What about holidays for you? What if you need to attend appointments - despite day care and husband, I missed at least 2 physio appointments, in the last 6 months. You need to make sure that there is outside support in the form of respite and day care, so you do get regular breaks. plans can change in an instance - I try to make sure I have 'me' time in the form of 4 hours a week where I help out at a gallery - I love it - but I've had to cancel maybe half a dozen times when Mil has been ill.
And you also need to consider the financial aspect, how you would manage - I am self employed, but unable to work as much as I used to, and my income has dropped about 75% since she moved in - we are managing - but only just.
Please, please, think about how you will cope with every issue you think will occur with your Mum - and consider those faced by other carers too, that you can read about in the posts on TP, because you just can't predict what this illness will throw at you. And please, if youdecide to go ahead, get support/respite built in at the start. It is doable - I've read posts from some amazing solo carers on TP - but please don't underestimate how hard it will be x