Exhaustion of carer

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Aisling, Jan 17, 2016.

  1. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    I am totally exhausted. T needs me every second of every day. I can only take care of him and this takes up the whole day. I keep kitchen and bathroom clean and that is all I can do. Does anyone else have this problem. I don't have carers coming in as it is too expensive.

    I would love to hear from other carers please.

    Aisling ( Ireland)
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,713
    Female
    London
    What abou a day care centre? Surely they exist in Ireland too? I wouldn't be able to do it without ours.
     
  3. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Hi Beate.

    Thank you. Yes I am now getting 4 hours weekly in a day centre near home and it is affordable. It is a Godsend. Happened recently so am going to organise myself to clean house properly.

    I wonder where I put the Hoover??

    Thanks again,

    Aisling ( Ireland )
     
  4. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    I have to say that whilst I was caring and working housework didn't get done. Lunch club was also a bloomin lifesaver for me. Do you have carers assessment too so that you can get some sitting hours because actually for your own sanity you need a few hours a week to have a coffee with a friend or neighbour or a family member or to go out and have some space for yourself.

    I still care for someone but not as intensely as I was needed for my mum or my husband and I am recovering but learned not to push myself too hard - it was a lesson that saved my sanity and my health xx
     
  5. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Exhaustion of carer.

    Hi Fizzie,

    Thank you. Never heard of sitting hours. You are correct so I am going to go for coffee when T is in Day Centre.

    Aisling ( Ireland)
     
  6. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Hi Aisling, I can completely sympathise with your post, sometimes I read on TP how much other carers achieve and I think I must have been rubbish when looking after my Mum cos I didn't manage even half of that! Most of every day, and night, was taken up with caring and when you are that tired and busy it is so hard to think straight let alone do stuff so well done for arranging the 4 hours care you now have.

    Can your GP's surgery suggest anything, SS, your local AZ group or AgeAction, are there volunteer sitting services in your area? Look online as so much information can be found there, useful when you are too exhausted to contemplate making phone calls...:(

    Try and enlist the help of any professionals you have contact with and emphasise how tired you are and how little time you have to do anything other than care each day, that is not sustainable.

    Do try and speak to whoever you can think of to get more support - my motto is 'say Yes to everything' you can always cancel if it doesn't suit but support, as much as is possible to have, is vital to continuing to care.

    Good luck.
     
  7. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    If you phone SS and ask for a carers assessment, the recent care act gave carers many more rights, they should arrange to visit and talk through with you what you are doing and how much time they can give you as a break - we had 6 hours a week - they offered 3 and I said we needed 6 and amazingly we got it!!! we never managed to use it all as my mother was highly resistant lol but we did get some and it was free.
     
  8. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Hi and welcome to TP. Unfortunately, this is often the case with Alzheimer's, whether or not he has a UTI. But in order to get everything you should, be prepared to nag Social Services, and all other professionals, and keep phoning.

    I know this is a Big Ask, when you are dropping on your knees from exhaustion, but the only way I got myself listened to, was when I burst into tears on the phone, plaintively wailing "I can't cope! I can't carry on any longer!" :(

    This wasn't a put-on act, as every time I spoke about my difficulties with John, I had "cry" in my throat, but I tried to be stoic, and stifle it. Which was stupid and got me nowhere. Once I did my Oscar winning performance, I found that my audience reacted. ;)

    As fizzie said, don't accept the quota that you're first offered, keep crying, be like Oliver Twist and ask for more, and you'll get more help. Good Luck xxx
     
  9. Tracyfaria

    Tracyfaria Registered User

    Sep 4, 2014
    6
    Taplow
    exhausted carer

    I don't know where you get all the free help from my husband is up most nights n disturbs our 2 year old which is exhausting as well as challenging I've been told because we have property we have to pay £17 an hour which is extortionate as I cannot work do yo be his sole carer I don't have that much money to actually live on its all tied up if that makes sense
     
  10. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    839
    How on earth do you cope?Does your little one attend nursery?I don't understand how care is costed but that sounds unreasonable,your home isn't disposable income if you live in it.Hopefully someone with more knowledge will be able to advise.
     
  11. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Thank you

    Great to read all your replies. Thank you. We had a care assessment ages ago and I was told that I could not get anymore care hours! Other professionals tell me T needs to go into a nursing home which we can't afford.

    Talking Point is brilliant. I now feel I am not alone.

    Slainte! ( means cheers in Irish)

    Aisling
     
  12. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,442
    Yorkshire
    Do Alzheimer's society in your area have the befriending service. My husband has a 'friend' who spends 3 hours a fortnight with him.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  13. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    Aisling, would you not qualify under the Nursing Home Support Scheme (the "Fair Deal")? I know it leaves finances very tight - I was left with very little when my husband when to a nursing home, because being so much younger than he, I didn't want to take the loan against the value of our home. But I also found that I managed on what was left, when I was on my own. I couldn't believe how much less one healthy person needed!
     
  14. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    The fact that Care is often a Postcode Lottery, is my biggest gripe. :mad: Have you asked about Crossroads Care in your area? I had 12 hours every 4 weeks, partially funded by the Peoples' Lottery, and split mine into 3 hours a week. I only had to pay £22.50 every 4 weeks.

    All extra hours cost me abut £17 an hour - obviously we are all assumed to be millionaires! Have you had an assessment for your hubby, and one for you from Social Services? You must be on your knees sweetie, with a 2 year old to care for as well. :( Sending you a huge cyber bouquet, choccies, and a bottle of your favourite tipple. :)
     
  15. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Hi.

    Thank you. It is great to get replies. I don't feel so alone now. Fair deal sounds so complicated but I will look into it again.

    Aisling
     
  16. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Hi everyone.

    Aisling here. I had a dexa scan today. Went into hospital cafe for cup of tea and had a total meltdown. Tears everywhere. So embarrassing. Luckily I was in a corner facing a wall!

    I get no support from T's family. We live in rural area and it gets lonely sometimes.
    Two friends don't want to see me now as they find situation too upsetting and told me that they can only deal with people who are always positive. I can understand and have accepted that.

    Am ranting I bit, please forgive me.

    Slainte.

    Aisling (Ireland )
     
  17. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Bar stewards!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, when the chips are down, you find out who your friends really are. Several of mine just sort of sidled away, but to say this to your face!!!! Words fail me.

    I know we're all only cyber friends, but from my experience, the friends here on TP gave me tons more help than most in Real Life. And don't feel embarrassed about a good cry. As my Ol' Aunt used to say, God makes tears to wash away sorrow.

    Here for you sweetie xxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  18. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    I was too polite to say anything, Scarlett! :D You know me! :D:D
    But yes. I did think some things! "friends" indeed! A friend is someone who is there for you, regardless of your present circumstances. I'm sure their lives and circumstances are not always "positive", Aisling. Would they be so understanding if all their own friends deserted them when the chips were down, saying they could only be friends when things were "positive"?

    I know it's difficult for people to know what to say - there's nothing they can say. I know it's difficult for people to visit when often, the pwd can't make conversation the way they used to. No-one visited us either when William was at home. They said it was awkward, because you couldn't hold a conversation with William. Well, I knew that - I was there all the time!

    Lots of people to chat to on here, Aisling!:) Not quite the same, maybe, but at least no one on here will say they can't handle your situation!
     
  19. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    Very sorry to hear things are so lonely and difficult for you Aisling, you are a brave and caring lady you know and I'm glad you have found TP because there is so much love, support, good advice and friendship on here. Sending a big hug.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  20. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Thank you so much. Aisling
     

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