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Exasperated by husbands Escapology

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
Good afternoon all.....I know this is a well discussed topic but HELP please......
My husband was again brought home by Wiltshire 's finest yesterday after escaping the house again at approx 3 am and was missing for approx 4 hours before being located 6 miles from home , he told the officers he was going "home" by which he meant his childhood home not where we live.....after anot her stern talking too by police officers TO ME !! ON ACCOUNT THAT he'd gone missing again for the third time this week they left and made it quite obvious that they weren't happy with the care that my husband was receiving from me (although it's just me caring for him 24/7 with no help) as is common with lots of other spouses in our position....Was also told ANOTHER report would be going to social services.....My response was" carry on "as polite as I could muster as ss are not interested in helping us,memory service are passing us on to community psychiatric nurse, G.p. not interested as OH has early on set dementia consultant as OH is only 64 and of course consultant is on holiday for 3 was. ......
Spent ridiculous amount today on new barrelled locks and have taken away discreetly OH keys so now have officially become his jailer as well as his wife and carer !!!
The old saying of UP THE CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE springs to mind..... Advice please would be much appreciated as the last thing the memory service told me was.....once the wandering /escaping has began there's no turning back ......a lovely parting gift as we're passed on to the CPN......
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,573
0
I fear the wanderings, will lead to a Care Home placement.
Keep a note of all the Police Incident report numbers, these will be need to convince Social services of the problem.

Bod
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,833
0
South coast
The police always send a report to SS when they have had to go looking for, or bring back, a person with dementia - it is not a personal attack (however much it might feel like it)

Once someone starts wandering and trying to escape there is very little you can actually do as the compulsion is so strong that they need someone watching them every single minute of their waking life in order to prevent it. You cannot do that as you need to shop, cook, sleep and even have a wee! I honestly think that he needs a secure dementia home now, especially as he obviously does not recognise his home when he goes walkabout, or even possibly, not at all.

As the reports from the police stack up, SS will have increasing evidence that he is no longer safe at home - this is no reflection on you, it is simply that his needs now need a whole team of people, not just one frazzled spouse and it has gone beyond what you can deal with. I think that pretty soon, SS will feel that they have enough evidence to show that he needs a care home and they will start taking an interest again
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,448
0
Yorkshire
Hi @Dawnee
I'm glad your husband is back and safe

The comments made maybe weren't as tactful as they may have been but it is, sadly, useful that there's an official record so you have evidence of your husband's walking out

You might yourself contact your Local Authority Adult Services and tell them that you consider 3 occurrences, especially in the middle of the night, are a 'safeguarding issue' and that your husband is a 'vulnerable adult' whose behaviour is putting himself 'at risk of harm' .... the more you 'shout' the more likely they will take notice

Admiral Nurses may be able to help, they are there to support the carer
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,833
0
South coast
Im sorry if I wasnt very tactful. I tried to make it plain that I do not consider the OP at fault at all. She has obviously tried her utmost to keep him safe, but it has gone (IMO) past what one person can physically do.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
2,427
0
Newcastle
Hi @Dawnee all of this is so familiar and so difficult. My wife's father was very confused yet he 'escaped' from an assessment unit and walked 5 miles home twice in one day. My Mam was found on the main A189 road heading for the home she lived in 60 years before. Later, she climbed out of the window of her room at the care home. I lost my wife at least twice, with police involved.

A safe environment, such as a care home may be the next, essential step.
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
I fear the wanderings, will lead to a Care Home placement.
Keep a note of all the Police Incident report numbers, these will be need to convince Social services of the problem.

Bod
Hi @Bod
Thanks for your reply I appreciate it,am keeping a diary of daily life and yes including incident report numbers and although I will feel a failure I am aware that a care home placement is where we're heading as it's what's best for my OH and that's after what's it's all about right...
Kind regards Dawnee
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
The police always send a report to SS when they have had to go looking for, or bring back, a person with dementia - it is not a personal attack (however much it might feel like it)

Once someone starts wandering and trying to escape there is very little you can actually do as the compulsion is so strong that they need someone watching them every single minute of their waking life in order to prevent it. You cannot do that as you need to shop, cook, sleep and even have a wee! I honestly think that he needs a secure dementia home now, especially as he obviously does not recognise his home when he goes walkabout, or even possibly, not at all.

As the reports from the police stack up, SS will have increasing evidence that he is no longer safe at home - this is no reflection on you, it is simply that his needs now need a whole team of people, not just one frazzled spouse and it has gone beyond what you can deal with. I think that pretty soon, SS will feel that they have enough evidence to show that he needs a care home and they will start taking an interest again
Hi@canary
Thank you for your reply, straight talking as always but appreciate your honesty....it's really difficult not to take comments personally as I know like us all were doing our absolute best for our loved ones one hundred percent....thanks again canary
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
Hi @Dawnee
I'm glad your husband is back and safe

The comments made maybe weren't as tactful as they may have been but it is, sadly, useful that there's an official record so you have evidence of your husband's walking out

You might yourself contact your Local Authority Adult Services and tell them that you consider 3 occurrences, especially in the middle of the night, are a 'safeguarding issue' and that your husband is a 'vulnerable adult' whose behaviour is putting himself 'at risk of harm' .... the more you 'shout' the more likely they will take notice

Admiral Nurses may be able to help, they are there to support the carer
Hi@Shedrech
Thank you, he's never been that far or for that length of time and I was 😰,
I didn't take the comments offensively honest as the police were much more offensive...
Yes definately got that and am expecting/dreading call from ss on Monday but maybe they'll be more inclined to help now....
Will contact adult services on Monday and do as you suggest , thank you for your wisdom
Have actually had a very brief conversation with Admiral nurses but because my OH gets aggressive when I'm on the phone we had to cut it short but they were not happy with situation at all and said it was unsustainable as to stop husband walking out we have been road tripping instead but up to 10 times a day (100 miles) also
Thanks again
Kind regards Dawnee
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
Hi @Dawnee all of this is so familiar and so difficult. My wife's father was very confused yet he 'escaped' from an assessment unit and walked 5 miles home twice in one day. My Mam was found on the main A189 road heading for the home she lived in 60 years before. Later, she climbed out of the window of her room at the care home. I lost my wife at least twice, with police involved.

A safe environment, such as a care home may be the next, essential step.
Hello northumbrian_k
Oh dear am sorry to hear your story and yes lots of similarities too...and yes very difficult....
I know that sadly were headed down the care home road but it's so difficult to finally admit it ....My husband is so young as only 64 as I've said and only diagnosed in October last year and can't believe the quick progression of this terrible disease but sadly the nature of the beast that is Dementia of which were all too aware....
Thank you for sharing your story with me
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
425
0
OP, you really need some help, don't you? Although the Policeman sounds unhelpful, at least they will contact SS and hopefully shake them up and get them to do something. It's intolerable that you're coping with all this alone.

btw, I think @Shedrech comment about tactlessness was aimed at the police, not @canary . That's how I read it, anyway.