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Every time I leave mum with my partner and Co carer she causes chaos!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Dave Palmer, Jan 3, 2016.

  1. Dave Palmer

    Dave Palmer Registered User

    Jul 18, 2008
    8
    London, ealing
    I'm sure I'm not alone but how do I get her to accept him or at least treat him like a human being? Last time I left her with him to work she phoned the police and cost me my clients and has probably trashed my business in the process!! Both my partner and I have given up pretty much everything to try to keep her at home, as she made me promise to do many years ago. A promise I am happy to keep as well I must add, although I think I have aged 15 years in a month!
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    OK - I'm going to be blunt: this was a promise that never should have been asked for and given. So if you are now rethinking it, give yourself a break and really consider it.

    Having said that, if you want to continue caring (and your partner is really up for it and in my mind that might be a big if) you are going to have to put systems into place that allow you to care but provide you and your partner with the necessary respite.

    Is your mother living with you or in her own home?
     
  3. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,995
    UK
    When dementia comes along then all promises have to have the over rider "for as long as I possibly can". Your promise was not to put her in a home but to look after her "for as long as I possibly can". If she is calling police then she is confused and scared and needs alternative care.
     
  4. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Sorry Dave I'm with the others. Hard as it may be, it sounds to me like your mum now needs more than you can offer. When my mum went into a home having always said she would rather be dead.She loved it just wish we had made the decision sooner as it seemed to take away all her stress a dgave her a new lease of life.
     
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,289
    SW London
    Would your pre-dementia mother really have wanted you and your partner to give up 'just about everything' to care for her? She could almost certainly not have known when she made you promise, what it would mean, or the impact it would have on your lives.
     
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,788
    Female
    South coast
    It sounds to me like your mums memory has reached the stage where she simply cannot remember your partner, which means that she will never accept him as to her he is a complete stranger.
    You are definitely going to have to make alternative arrangements now, Im afraid, and it really doesnt sound like she can cope at home anymore.
     
  7. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Dave - shuttling back and forth to my father (Vascular Dementia) who had retired to another country had a really deleterious effect on my business. I would counsel you to pay attention to your own life and your own business and not let the monster that is dementia take over everything, as it will if it gets half a chance. It's subtle about doing that - guilt is the usual way, or just screaming and shouting so it can't be ignored.
    Your partner sounds wonderful btw to even consider taking this on.
    Good luck!
     
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,089
    Yorkshire
    #8 Shedrech, Jan 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2016
    Hi Dave Palmer
    really thoughtful responses so far
    For me Jenniferpa has hit the problem on the head - we all make promises without understanding the implications - most we can keep anyway - but dementia is a whole other issue.
    And actually, I think that's how you feel too:
    'causes chaos' 'treat him like a human being' 'cost me my clients' 'trashed my business' 'made me promise' 'aged 15 years'
    your own description is pretty loaded, isn't it.
    There's no shame in realising the circumstances are just working against your 'promise' - and there's no doubt that you will always care about and supervise the care of your mum.

    Then there's your mum's point of view. Canary has an important point - to your mum, sadly, your partner is a stranger. Worse - to her - he's a strange man in her home, he won't leave and he's being far too familiar with her (again HER view, I am not suggesting any impropriety). He will not have the baring of a professional carer, as for him she's his MIL - and that is confusing your mum. If she is calling the police, she doesn't feel safe and we all know that just being told a situation is fine doesn't mean we will believe it is - feelings are stronger than reason when fear, and dementia, sets in.

    Maybe your mum would enjoy time at a day centre, so she is not at home every day - and any personal care and meal preparation might best be offered by having home carers visit. Contact your local SS/Adult Care to see if they can offer these. If she is self funding, she will pay, which offers the chance of you organising whatever care you think best.

    You obviously care very much for your mum, but you are not expected to ruin your business and relationship.

    best wishes
     
  9. Dave Palmer

    Dave Palmer Registered User

    Jul 18, 2008
    8
    London, ealing
    Wow!

    I'm gobsmacked at the replies!! Thank you all!! My partner and I moved in with her so have given up living in London. Tbh I would have moved down eventually but the extras are of course difficult. She was caught by our pill girls trying to raise a bruise and blame him today! I've spoken to her and the idea of a home terrifies her. I've suggested she look at some to see what she thinks but I get tears and begging me not to take her! I think deep down she wants it to work, but the demon as was so aptly put is the problem. For the time being I'm going to get our carers to stay with her if I need to go away anywhere but I'm also hoping she can stay here. I have no idea what stage or progression etc we're at and really the only choice I was given by SS was move home or we put her in one! We both want this to work as she deserves the best and after 6 weeks I feel to ship her out now would be failure! We had one of the best Christmases I can remember and am just flabbergasted by the after effects!
     
  10. Dave Palmer

    Dave Palmer Registered User

    Jul 18, 2008
    8
    London, ealing
    Gets weirder or does it?

    Now I'm back at home she's sweetness and light with him?!#$ ok, I'm gonna go quietly mad in the corner hahaha! She only wants me. Conceited?? Not sure but looks like I'll be trying to work from home then! We have 4 carers a day which gives us some respite and when I need to do something in London we'll get the girls over! She's self funding but it will I think keep the peace. My aim is that when she has no quality of life left, then a home is the only choice but I think the cancer or her heart will take her first. Pray for her it doesn't end up being the demon that kills!!!!
     
  11. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    532
    Scotland
    I am very alarmed to read:

    She was caught by our pill girls
    trying to raise a bruise and blame him today!

    At least if anything is said about this incident the "pill girls" will be able to confirm how she got the bruise(s) but there is always the possibility of your partner being blamed for something else for which there are no witnesses to support him.
     
  12. Dave Palmer

    Dave Palmer Registered User

    Jul 18, 2008
    8
    London, ealing
    Likewise! Although now they're arm in arm inspecting the bird feeders and he's her frame! It's actually really sweet!
     
  13. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    This is a long shot really but i'm just wondering if a trip back to the memory clinic to discuss the mood swings with the consultant might be a good idea. You may have to wait a while but it is worth being in touch with them anyway, sometimes a change in medication can make all the difference.

    On another note I don't know how long you have been with your Mum but the change is massive for all of you and you are clearly so kind hearted but change is disruptive. It is even more challenging for people with memory loss - for example it can take a couple of months for people to settle into a home or new environment when they have dementia and so it will take a long time for your mum to settle - but she will I'm sure.

    As everyone else says take care of yourself and the leaflet on compassionate communication is very useful - I found it very hard to master but I stuck it on my fridge to remind me every day and it really does work

    Do have a look at it
    http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf
     
  14. Dave Palmer

    Dave Palmer Registered User

    Jul 18, 2008
    8
    London, ealing
    Downloaded and read it. Awesome and almost 180° from where I was. Quite a revelation. Started immediately and of course it worked. Although she fits the advert category of, "This isn't just a woman with dementia, this is mum with dementia" - Unfortunately harsh but true. She's a Margo from the good life crossed with Hyacinth Bucket! But, I love her to bits!!
     
  15. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    haha just like my ma and when i used it, it worked a treat too.
    Good luck - this is a very sharp learning curve!!!! Keep posting, loads of support and answers to help x
     
  16. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Dave - the only caveat I found is that there are times when the person's delusions are harmful and one has to 'argue'. e.g. when my dad accused me of stealing from him there was no way I could go along with that!
     
  17. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    My Mum told the bank I was taking all her money lolol I even trained them not to argue with her - the bank statements told the truth. She used to sometimes say i'd attacked the children - just had to distract really, to have argued would have made it stick in her mind whereas she just dropped it
     
  18. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    She also used to go to the day centre and tell them that I never fed her (she came to my house every night after day centre to eat yet another meal - good appetite), then she told them that I wasn't feeding the children - who fortunately are some of the most robust healthy youngsters in the neighbourhood.

    Oh the stories she had to tell abounded and after a bit it washed right over my head!
     
  19. Spiro

    Spiro Registered User

    Mar 11, 2012
    522
    Have you considered live-in care? If she is self funding, that might that be an option.

    Otherwise now might a good time to start looking at homes. You need to consider all the options, while you are still able to. Finding the right home is a time consuming process.
     
  20. Dave Palmer

    Dave Palmer Registered User

    Jul 18, 2008
    8
    London, ealing
    Can only agree with that. We bring out statements to show exactly what's happening. Is hard to stop her keep drawing cash out so we keep her 2 handbags together and she happily adds up now before we take a trip to the bank!
     

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