Hi everyone
Where do i start?.............must have wrote this 4 times and kept deleting it!
I'm not even sure i'm doing the right thing in posting this. I just seem to be so indecisive about everything at the moment!..........sorry!
One of the reasons i'm writing this is because i'll be missing for a while and didn't want to spark a Daisy-G search ..............i had thought about saying i'm off on holiday or business, then i thought.............can't lie to my friends.............so here goes:
I sort of knew something was wrong when Ray took ill, but i was so busy trying to cope with everything that was happening to him.........then losing him...........finally went to the hospital on 17th dec..........to be told that they had found a tumour the size of a football in my abdomen.......they won't know if its benign or not until they operate, but they said they have to treat it as if it is malignant until proven otherwise............this tumour is of course attatched to quite a few other organs............they said that due to the size of it and the circumstances, i needed an urgent op to remove it and so booked me in for 22nd Dec.........they went through everything and then informed me that i'd need to be in intensive care after the op.............at which point my mind went out the window............i couldn't face it...........not so soon after losing Ray..........not intensive care after spending 3 months there with Ray..... and then all the horrific memories still fresh in my mind...........so i refused the op.
I spent a week running away from the problem, then a week coming to terms with it.............its certainly been a tough xmas and new year..........and i could certainly do with Ray being here.
I just didn't know if i had.......the will?....to get through this without him.
To cut a long story short.........i've been transfered to the northern oncology centre at one of our larger hospitals.........its a team of consultant oncologists who will each deal with their speciality during the op.........after seeing the consultant last week (my son came with me).........the consultant discussed everything in detail..........the good thing is that they said they will leave my sense of humour in tact ..........which is good, cos thats about the only thing they are gonna leave me with .............they then issued me with a macmillan nurse, at which point my son got up and left the room.
Seeing my son so upset afterwards, made me realise that i have got the will to get through this............i know there will be lots here who have been through similar................but if i said i wasn't bricking it, i'd be lying through my teeth........but they said that they will give me an epidural for the post op pain...........wonder if that would help with the emotional pain
If i was being honest........at first i was scared i'd survive this..............then i was scared i wouldn't survive it...........now.............just scared!
So................the other reason for writing this............is just incase................i just wanted to say to everyone on TP ............thank you soooooo, soooooo much.........for everything that you have all done for me over the last nine months, i really don't think i'd have got this far without your help and support.............your kindness has always absolutely floored me.............its hard to believe how everyone here is so lovely...........its one of those things that you have to experience to believe it!.............and to my sista's?...........well...........not everyone's lucky enough to know a band of angels ..............save me a seat at the valentine bash Well..............there is an oncology department that needs to be livened up! .......imagine me on morphine!
What more can i say?........ other than thanks..............and roll on next week!
Love Alex
Where do i start?.............must have wrote this 4 times and kept deleting it!
I'm not even sure i'm doing the right thing in posting this. I just seem to be so indecisive about everything at the moment!..........sorry!
One of the reasons i'm writing this is because i'll be missing for a while and didn't want to spark a Daisy-G search ..............i had thought about saying i'm off on holiday or business, then i thought.............can't lie to my friends.............so here goes:
I sort of knew something was wrong when Ray took ill, but i was so busy trying to cope with everything that was happening to him.........then losing him...........finally went to the hospital on 17th dec..........to be told that they had found a tumour the size of a football in my abdomen.......they won't know if its benign or not until they operate, but they said they have to treat it as if it is malignant until proven otherwise............this tumour is of course attatched to quite a few other organs............they said that due to the size of it and the circumstances, i needed an urgent op to remove it and so booked me in for 22nd Dec.........they went through everything and then informed me that i'd need to be in intensive care after the op.............at which point my mind went out the window............i couldn't face it...........not so soon after losing Ray..........not intensive care after spending 3 months there with Ray..... and then all the horrific memories still fresh in my mind...........so i refused the op.
I spent a week running away from the problem, then a week coming to terms with it.............its certainly been a tough xmas and new year..........and i could certainly do with Ray being here.
I just didn't know if i had.......the will?....to get through this without him.
To cut a long story short.........i've been transfered to the northern oncology centre at one of our larger hospitals.........its a team of consultant oncologists who will each deal with their speciality during the op.........after seeing the consultant last week (my son came with me).........the consultant discussed everything in detail..........the good thing is that they said they will leave my sense of humour in tact ..........which is good, cos thats about the only thing they are gonna leave me with .............they then issued me with a macmillan nurse, at which point my son got up and left the room.
Seeing my son so upset afterwards, made me realise that i have got the will to get through this............i know there will be lots here who have been through similar................but if i said i wasn't bricking it, i'd be lying through my teeth........but they said that they will give me an epidural for the post op pain...........wonder if that would help with the emotional pain
If i was being honest........at first i was scared i'd survive this..............then i was scared i wouldn't survive it...........now.............just scared!
So................the other reason for writing this............is just incase................i just wanted to say to everyone on TP ............thank you soooooo, soooooo much.........for everything that you have all done for me over the last nine months, i really don't think i'd have got this far without your help and support.............your kindness has always absolutely floored me.............its hard to believe how everyone here is so lovely...........its one of those things that you have to experience to believe it!.............and to my sista's?...........well...........not everyone's lucky enough to know a band of angels ..............save me a seat at the valentine bash Well..............there is an oncology department that needs to be livened up! .......imagine me on morphine!
What more can i say?........ other than thanks..............and roll on next week!
Love Alex