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Escapologist

iworry

Registered User
Nov 4, 2013
23
So.. Another night and another indebted thanks to neighbours who came out with torches looking for mum who had got out the house again.

Mum and dad live together and mum is in what I would call the late stages of dementia and after many escapes including in the middle of the night dad had promised me he had locked all the doors and hidden the keys but apparently she climbed out the window. She is 77 and I find this hard to believe.

She does not believe it is her home and is looking for her mum.

In an off guarded moment I heard one of the neighbours - who has captured mum previously - saying to my dad WHY DON'T YOU GET HELP

as their son I heard this and was embarrassed. We are seen as not taking care of mum but unless dad let's go I can't make him do anything.

Any suggestions how to make that next big change? I really feared tonight mum was going to run out of lives and be knocked down in the road. I sometimes think dad wants this as it solves a problem.

Suggestions please. I can only think of forcing mum into a home.....
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,067
Kent
This was my big worry. My husband also went walkabout looking for his real home. I had a sensor on the front and back doors and a disc under my pillow which vibrated when the door was opened. Even in the deepest sleep, I was woken.

I expect these sensors could also be attached to windows.

Your dad needs to understand how he would feel if your mother was hurt in an accident or caused an innocent party. To be hurt in an accident. It is irresponsible for him to bury his head in the sand hoping fate will take over.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,948
London
It's difficult to ask for help if your dad thinks he can manage on his own, but no one can. Caring isn't possible without input from others. Your Mum is not his or your neighbours' responsibility, she is the state's. If you haven't yet, urgently ask for a needs and carers assessment. Telecare can provide countless useful gadgets like tracker devices or gadgets designed to keep someone from leaving the house and alerting others to it. Your dad will also need respite to prevent carers breakdown. A care home is only the last step.
 
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Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,235
So..

In an off guarded moment I heard one of the neighbours - who has captured mum previously - saying to my dad WHY DON'T YOU GET HELP

as their son I heard this and was embarrassed. We are seen as not taking care of mum but unless dad let's go I can't make him do anything.

Any suggestions how to make that next big change? I really feared tonight mum was going to run out of lives and be knocked down in the road. I sometimes think dad wants this as it solves a problem.

Suggestions please. I can only think of forcing mum into a home.....
That's his wake up call!!
She now needs more care than he can give.
Get carers assessment, mum is a "vulnerable adult"
Tough I know, but it has to be done. (I've been there.)

Bod
 

iworry

Registered User
Nov 4, 2013
23
Thanks for the feedback.
I will read this directly back to dad and push for the assessment
 

iworry

Registered User
Nov 4, 2013
23
Hi - An update.

I convinced Dad the social care assessment is the next step. We had spoken before about this which he had flatly refused.

However - the recent Mum escapes has obviously triggered something again with Dad - much like finally getting him to apply for attendance (and getting it this year) and getting a cleaner in - this is another step.

So whilst the iron was hot I call social services and conferenced dad onto the call and we had the interview and now we are waiting for a date when they will come out.

So ..all in all .. it's proven to be another trigger to get dad to think differently about mum.

So bloody frustrating we have to wait for these critical situations before the light bulb comes on - but - even without reading all the other posts - I'm sure this is just par for the course....
 

theunknown

Registered User
Apr 17, 2015
416
I can't imagine what it would be like to be the one who had to tell my mum that she needed to go into a home and I would be the one arranging it. The decision for me was taken out of my hands by the NHS and social services. Otherwise I'm sure I'd have been the same: putting things off for as long as possible in the hope that 'fate' would be the decider. In my own defence, I had no idea that things were going drastically wrong, but that meant that there's no PoA in place. This makes the situation a hell of a lot more complicated than it could have been.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,617
USA
iworry:

I will save you the trouble of reading through a bunch of other posts and tell you that you are correct: it IS par for the course, and often you have to wait for a crisis or emergency or other "wake-up call" to get things accomplished. At least, that was my personal experience, and it seems to be often true from what I've read on here.

Having said that, I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your parents. I can only imagine how upsetting and worrisome it must be. I hope the assessment happens as soon as possible and that you get some help, some information, some support, something.
 

Risa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
482
Essex
Hi iworry

My local PCSO was at the Memory Cafe this week and I had a long chat with her as I was concerned about Mum wandering off and trying to get 'home'. She has given me some tags that can be fitted onto my Mum's bags/key rings that contain an emergency contact number. She also gave me a list of the many local shops that are dementia aware and would know to look for this yellow tag if someone appeared confused or distressed. She is going to visit my parents just to introduce herself and get to know my Mum as if she went missing, the PCSO would be one of the first to be contacted to search for her.

If your parents have a local PCSO contact them and ask if they have anything similar set up in their area and it will make them aware that your Mum is vulnerable. Would your Mum wear an identity tag in the form of a bracelet or necklace as if she went AWOL this would help identify her.

I must admit I am very impressed with the service the PCSO provides in my area for dementia. She is currently in talks with the local bus and railway station to get staff dementia aware and understand that some passengers may be 'escaping' and it is fine to call the 101 number if they are concerned.

Maybe this will reassure you a bit that if your Mum does 'escape' there are more people now who are dementia aware and are very kind. For example when my Mum got herself in a pickle after she had done a runner and ended up in a Tesco, Customer Service used her loyalty card to contact Dad to let him know she was safe. The PSCO was telling me that a customer recently turn up naked at a local shop after walking there in a confused state and the staff treated the lady with great care and consideration for her dignity.