End of the Road

chrisc

Registered User
Dec 31, 2003
8
Crowborough
Hello all.

My Father passed away in January, he was 76. It's taken me a little while to come back to the site and share this news. I have not really been a very regular poster here but I have looked in from time to time. On occasion I have posted a few questions and answered one or two so I would like to say thanks to those that helped me and express my hope that anything I may have said here helped someone else.

Dad was admitted to Hospital in early November last year after suffering a stroke, he made quite a good physical recovery but the AD continued to confuse and bewilder him, we had him home for 3 or 4 days just before xmas but it was simply impossible for mum to cope, he went back to hospital again where he contracted the winter vomiting illness, this made it difficult for the hospital to discharge Dad to the specialist home where we had - by then - found him a place. I can only assume that Dad didn't fancy the idea of a home or that he had some other or better plan, as on January the 13th I had a phone call from the hospital, not the one I had been expecting to tell me he was clear of the virus and was being moved to his new home - but telling me he'd "taken a turn for the worse", he passed away that afternoon.

I, my Mother and my Sister were with him holding his hand and talking to him throughout that day. He was so peaceful that after so much confusion and agitation in the last few weeks it was something of a relief to see him finally resting.

I find myself on occasion quite dreadfully sad and on other occasions relieved that Dad was spared some of the true indignities that very advanced AD sufferers experience, although as all here may or at least should realise, these are not indignities for the sufferer but rather for the carer as the victim has little or no awareness of their predicament.

I would like to try to leave this posting on a positive note. On one of my last visits with Dad, I took my Wife with me, something that we hadn't done before for reasons of logistics (with young children) but this time we were able to go together.

Dad looked at my wife and said who's that? (he had known her well before the AD). I said "that's my wife Dad, she's come to see how you are" He smiled and replied, "she's a lovely girl, make sure you look after her"

That, and "see you soon" were the last things my Father ever said to me. Well I will look after her Dad and I will see you again, but not too soon I hope!!

Best wishes to you all.
 

Sheila

Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
2,259
West Sussex
Dear Chrisc, so sorry to hear of the sad loss of your dear Father. As you say, he had other plans. It was good he died so peacefully and as you say with dignity. What a lovely memory you have to treasure for you and your wife, thinking of you, love She. XX
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Dear Chrisc
so sorry to hear of your sad loss.
It must be very difficult to sort your feelings between pleased to see Dad so peaceful and not agitated anymore, and regrets about his passing.
He left you a beautiful memory to treasure.
Best wishes
Norman
 

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
Frinton-on-Sea
Dear Chrisc, sorry to read of your dad's passing. You must take comfort that his ending was not long and drawn out, and he still had his dignity. My thyoughts are with you, Connie
 

Mjaqmac

Registered User
Mar 13, 2004
939
Dear Chris

I lost my mum at the end of March, it was just as your dad went, very peacefully and dignified in hospital after they had a ward meeting 2 weeks before for us to take her home.

I know what you're going through, some days are ok and some are heartbreaking.

At least we were there when they needed us, we didn't let them down. Take comfort in that, I do.

Wishing you peace.
Magic
 

Doreen

Registered User
Dec 3, 2004
50
Oldham
Hi

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago, I am really struggling to come to terms with his sudden death, one thing that helps me is the fact that he is now at peace and out of this terrible illness, and I hope I did everything I could for him. He too did not want to go into a home, he died in hospital just after we had found a place for him. It makes you wonder doesn't it.

Doreen
 

Sheila

Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
2,259
West Sussex
Dear Doreen, yes it does. Before my Mum was ever ill, years and years ago, she would say she never wanted to be like she ended up, not able to care for herself etc. Although I miss her dreadfully, she died last July, I do think it would have been her wish not to prolong what to her would have been a living death if you know what I mean. Thinking of you in your loss, with love, She. XX
 

Mjaqmac

Registered User
Mar 13, 2004
939
I agree She

My mum was the very independent type, she would never use a bedpan even in hospital in her last days, she made sure they fetched the commode, it sounds daft but i was so proud of her for that. It was her final act of defiance of Alzheimer's and I loved her for it. It was the only was she had left of sticking two fingers up at the disease that tried to rob her of everything.

When it became too much and mum was sitting on 10 litres of oxygen and they couldn't even give her a walk everyday she gave up. She wanted to go, what was there to live for? She told me repeatedly in the last 2 weeks she wished she was dead. Mum always maintained life was precious and fought every illness, but there comes to a point when everyone's had enough, I think there may be a certain amount of choice when the time comes to dying, of course the BIg Man up there has the last say, but mum was ready to go, I sensed that, she took my hand and held it over her heart with her two hands and that was her last gesture of love to me, she left a few moments later. She was ready to go.
 

karen_white

Registered User
Apr 21, 2004
72
Berkshire
How very touching Magic. Made me cry. So lovely that your dear Mum was still have to show her love for you in her last moments.
Love Karen.x
 

Mjaqmac

Registered User
Mar 13, 2004
939
I miss her terribly Karen.

The lady up the road just got took away in an ambulance, it has left me in pieces thinking of the last time mum was taken away in one, she never came home again.

All sorts of things can set you off in grief even when you think you are coping.
 

susan

Registered User
Aug 18, 2003
125
east sussex
Dear Chris
A stranger to the site - but still keep tabs on all of you - my dad passed away late dec and today mum gave me a birthday card with just her name on it - even though she had written it for the last 5 years with dad's name - it hurts - we all have to face the kick and as magic said it catches you out when you least expect it!!
I miss him and miss seeing him although he hadn't known who i was for 4 years - thinking of you - take care and give yourself time Sue
 

Leah

Registered User
Oct 22, 2004
31
79
Northumberland
Susan,
I am sat here trying to write my youngest son's birthday card, the first with only my name going on. I decided to take a break and look at the site as I often do, and your post was just there !!.
How strange.